Had a very hard time with energy levels today. Couldn’t get up out of bed. I couldn’t deal with the day. I know there’s the idea of counting 1-5 and getting out of bed. Just things couldn’t work. Only thing to get me out of bed was to get to the webinar on ASD.
Cleaned a bit in the apartment and grabbed a coffee.
I wanted to take in the webinar but my executive function wasn’t fully there. Did get some interesting facts out of it that 98% of clinicians don’t know how to assess Autism. That’s a profound number. It was interesting to hear the perspective from people from the UK, US and Canada. But also recognizing that assessments are very colonialist based.
Recognition to include autistic people in the process of creating these assessments is very important too. How do we know that DSM-6 will even include the autistic perspective on how to assess Autistics?
I agree that the yes/no questions are very tricky to answer and are frustrating. There’s a lot of variations.
Autistics will also be oftenly misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, BPD, narcissistic behaviour. Majority of Autistics will never be anxiety free.
Trying to have a convo with my mom about this was problematic. She’s got the mindset that I’m just trying to force a diagnosis on myself. I’m not, but I know my mind is set up differently. Things get hard. I burnout. I want to better understand myself but also see how we can make this world more easier for everyone. Have us better understood.
When 80% of Autistics are unemployed – how do we truly get us back into the workforce? We have many great qualities that can make work more efficient. We have interesting perspectives. We can recognize issues from afar based on our data point gathering.
Being at the gym was frustrating. I just want a good work out done. Seeing people hog machines was frustrating. Not really putting in the workout and then going in for a massage… as if they deserve that massage after scrolling their phone at the gym weight machines and not working out. What’s the point of going to the gym if you’re just going to sit there on a weight machine not using it? But hey, who am I to make rules? I’m just someone who cares about the efficiency of my workout and getting results for what I paid for.
I’m tired. Like I want to make a change in this world but it’s hard.
The WSIB process is stupidly complicated, there’s no transparency. All documents are not listed in the claim, you have no idea where it’s at if you’re appealing it. It’s not an easy website to navigate. Through that in with other provinces having different layouts and it’s just inconsistent across the board. Don’t hear from anyone for days…. no “pending review”… just “rejected claim”.
Even filing this claim was a nightmare. My executive function was fucked up – I honestly don’t care about the f bombs now. I’m fucking tired of everything right now. I’m tired of trying to get movement on EI or WSIB. Doctors aren’t very helpful.
You want to apply for the disability credit but that makes shit more complicated when your doctor is away on a leave… what if you don’t have a doctor? 2.5 million people in Ontario don’t have one. How do you successfully get approval on a disability credit? Pay out of pocket for a Nurse Practitioner? But you might not even get it.
I’m exhausted with everything… coffee? IDK. How much can I compensate with this? I need to get a specific coffee to get me going for the day… otherwise it’s not going to hit. Even if the temperature on that coffee is going to ruin the focus.
Having my partner and mom not understand is fucking me up even more. Because they do not understand that going to the doctor will further dysregulate me after the last appointment. I don’t want to be someone driving to the doctor’s office and becoming a fucking menace or hazard on the road. Like I don’t even know what to do any more. Even with the psychiatrist appointment – I don’t even know how that will go because I don’t feel seen. Getting my Vyvanse refill has been stupid because either I call them and have to tell them I need it now but I need to get a pharmacist on the phone to get it refilled in the next 1-4 hours or if I walk in, I have to wait 30 minutes to 1 hour. The steps are too many and you just end up being frozen in place. It’s stupid. I don’t intend to make it complicated but the pharmacy also makes it complicated if you forget to call in for refill or doctors limit the refill to 1 or 2 and now you’re scrambling to get an appointment…. but what happens if your doc is away?
Can there be some sort of process to help people with burnout? Docs listen more carefully when they hear autistic burnout? Some sort of accommodation in real life…outside of work? I understand we’ve got social workers and maybe that could be something that could work? (or maybe not, they might have other things to deal with). Even then… our province doesn’t give a crap about us… why would they even provide this sort of service? They just want to take away these services, right? Everything is way too fucking hard. I remember someone at CAMH laughing at me for expecting others to help with stuff. My executive function was not there. I was fucked. Or made a comment about me walking in the corridor and that I should be walking faster? Like what? Why? I didn’t understand and still don’t understand what that even meant. There were some moments in there that were just messed up.
I typically didn’t have issues paying for bills, but I’m struggling here. I know there are some that I need to pay and I can’t get myself to do them. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I can pay rent, but when it comes to smaller things like toll highways… it’s too much of an effort.
And it’s like I don’t even wanna leave the house because things are just too much. Am I going to do something that will overwhelm me during this time? I remember having this feeling in Lviv when I got there on my own. I remember this feeling also when I moved out and was dealing with my mom being upset about moving out. I had such a hard time leaving the apartment. I can’t even explain it. My brain is just stuck and hunkering down at home – prefers the safety of indoors. Despite wanting to explore Lviv.
Making a post about the weekend FB – it felt good to have friends reach out about how they were feeling about it and their experiences. Knowing we’re not alone in this. Just sucks that we struggled on our own.
As I write this, there’s a thunderstorm brewing and the cat is oddly looking out the window. Never seen her do that. Would have expected her to hide from the noise. Wondering why she’s hanging out with me here in the living room. I mean I still need to feed her, but there are still moments where she hangs out here with me. Protector of m4rkn4t? She was glued to me last night, I moved and she moved with me. Found a way to anchor herself to me. She came over in the morning to cuddle. She also cuddled with me on the couch. I think that’s her fave cuddle spot. I know AL says she thinks she’s her fave, but IDK. I think it depends on the season. Who’s home more often?
I did miss hanging out with my friends this past weekend, but just with everything going on. I don’t think I could have trekked over to Chatham. In a weird way, the protests were therapeutic… trying to get justice when everything is difficult. I do miss my friends dearly. They’re such amazing people who are hella funny, smart and you can be yourself with them.
I know I haven’t really talked about the lay off with friends. Everything has been just a lot. Burnout was hard. Still is. Talking about it with my Coffee Roaster Friend was good. She’s super easy to talk to and you get a good insight from her on her experiences. I feel lucky I’ve been able to befriend her… she’s really taught me a bit about coffee but also we’ve had great convos about sports (like the Olympics) and the world in general. Her creating a welcoming – human space at a cafe makes the experience more home-y in a place like Toronto.
The added stress of car issues is like what else? What else is going to go wrong? I need to spend $1k~ on ball joints or shocks or control arm? Just feels like Murphy’s Law is hitting right now and I wish it didn’t.
Having a convo with my partner about me being like my father… it sucked. Why would she use this very fact to hurt me? I understand she has data points on past relationships and her sister’s relationships, but I have never asked her for money. I have never said I don’t want to return to work. I do want to return to work. But I also don’t want to get to the same point I was at earlier. I don’t want to end up at CAMH or stuck under my covers trying to recover. I have trust issues after what transpired.
Even with compensation, I’d expect specific accommodations including compensation for coffee… because I need that to focus… it can sound dumb but that is the reality of it. I’d say pre-reads for meetings or questions sent over beforehand so that I could mull over em before giving a more thoughtful response. Otherwise you’ll get something that just makes no sense or misconstrued or misinterpreted. Garbage in, garbage out data. Like using ServiceNow for safety stats LOL. Not quite the example to use but it makes sense in my head. It’s silly that we based our opinion on people based on their immediate response rather than letting them have a think over the question or topic. Not everything needs to involve speed in providing an answer to a question… and that’s fine.
We decided to see a movie at the Woodbine Mall – the state of that mall really makes me wonder what is going on. I will have to further look into that but there are a lot of roof leaks.
I popped into the washroom after having dinner at the food court and there was a mom supporting her young child. She was doing a good job, like I found her coaching her young son while washing his hands very caring and loving. She seems like a mom who is doing her best to keep her son regulated. He did seem like he had a sensory issue with water. I can relate to that in a different manner when I’m beginning to have sensory overstimulation around noise and light. It might not be as extreme, but I can understand it.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for the mom being in this situation. What impact it has on her – financially, support-wise, psychologically. I don’t know if violence is an issue – but some high needs autistic children and people may have moments where they can self-harm and others. That is just the reality of it.
I really don’t know the difficulties BIPOC mom’s of high needs autistic kids go through. I can only imagine even from a gender and BIPOC pay gap. Is she working? or does she have to take care of her son because schools are not funded to support autistic kids? Does she have access to mental health care? Does work cover therapy? Does she have assistance so she could have some down time? Does she have support from family? Some family members shun other family members because 1) they don’t understand 2) don’t know how to deal with the situation, or 3) are ashamed. There could be other reasons. But not all families are supportive unfortunately. I do hope she has a good support system.
I wish I did have a convo with her but I was worried I’d overwhelm her as she’s trying to take care of her son. It felt a bit intense and I wasn’t exactly sure how to navigate it without making it harder for the three of us.
It makes me angry at what this government is doing. It’s all self interest based but when it comes to taking care of its own people, they keep stripping funding for all of us.
Legislation and processes don’t support neurodivergent people. Supporting someone during harassment in the workplace, education of police force, trying to apply for EI or WSIB (especially when you are burnout), the process is broken. It’s too complicated.
Dental care? The federal dental care won’t kick in until your next tax season because it’s based on your past years income. If you made over $90k as a family the previous year, you won’t qualify. So if you need to see a dentist, you’re going to have to pay out of pocket.
This is messed up post – but my thoughts are just bouncing here and there.
I do wish that mom knows that strangers do care and wish we could do something.
This is a frustrating state of mind. When you have a hard time prioritizing things, your thoughts. Words just don’t come out as you want. Even in written language, you can’t figure out your thoughts or words.
Even trying to read articles or posts makes it difficult. My attention span is not there. And I want to give that attention to people who are reaching out. But it’s just not there. It’s difficult.
The sleep changes suck. I don’t really want to be up until 2am or 3am.
Even trying to complete forms for WSIB or state facts or documentation is difficult. When your executive function is not operating properly, you can’t communicate things as they need you to. You have a hard time reading through Policies in their org. But that is how the system is set up – the employee is supposed to provide the facts.
I literally feel like a wasted person and no one really understands. I’m sure there are some that may but having those close to me trying to understand is an impossible feat to explain. …maybe it is just that idea of running off to not be seen again or…
Long gone are the days of appliances and equipment lasting years. You have fridges that once lasted very long and needed parts replaced. Now the part replacement is the cost of purchasing a new fridge. Creating a lot of waste and unnecessary energy waste. How can we logically justify all that energy wasted to create a new fridge and time spent working to earn that money to purchase that new fridge when the price of producing that fridge part technically should cost less to produce and wastes less energy?
Even with cameras – I’ve purchased Leica cameras because of the manual option with shutter dials and aperture. My Leica M8 is a 20 year old camera but works fine. It has a nice image film-like rendering. I bought it second hand due to the pricing of these cameras. Spending $5k or $11k is not feasible for me. For a camera that is 20 years, you now have a hard time finding a battery that works for it or has the same battery life the original batteries had. Finding an OEM battery is difficult; you’re not sure if it will good enough or if it will damage the camera further. It’s such a double edge sword.
After a while Leica moved onto the path of switching from camera having the ability to accept OEM batteries to cameras that were limited to Leica only produced batteries. These batteries have a chip in them preventing them from being produced by others. When these batteries are no longer produced, what is the camera owner to do once their batteries have died completely? Is it fair for a manufacturer to force batteries or equipment or parts to be proprietary and prevent the consumer from using their product? Why are we producing more waste in this world?
Even with vehicles – why are car manufacturers now dictating that your vehicle car basics are subscription based? If you spend $40k on a vehicle with a radio, android auto, heated seats – how is it ok to shut off those features after 2 years? You paid for those services in your car. If you didn’t want those, you could have gone for a trim level below. In a world where you think you’re supposed to progress as humans, you expect safety features to be standard. Like seat belts, and turning signals, heated mirrors, etc. Are we going to remove those safety features and expect consumers to pay for them as well? We can look at the case of Boeing – how many of their planes suddenly plummeted downward resulting in crashes, killing many people? What countries were impacted by this? What countries were not impacted? Why were some safety features available but not others? Because it came down to cost? Is this the direction we’re headed?
If companies care about safety, health and environmental sustainability – they would truly buy into these systems. Looking at Leica’s sustainability statement, with how they’ve proceeded with their M-series camera batteries, this does not ring true:
“Leica stands for visual enjoyment and lasting value. Our approach and unique technical expertise make our optical instruments ideal companions, offering the highest possible reliability and durability…”
Seeing those mounds of clothing in Ghana beaches because companies think it’s ok to “donate” this clothing somewhere when they’ve had enough of it is pretty shitty to do.
Organizations need to really commit to sustainability because this is getting way out of hand. How do we hold them accountable?
I’ve been trying to explain autistic burnout to my mom. I now avoid using the word autism. I’ve explained to her that things trigger me. The trigger at the gym. The voices, the sounds. This stemming from the doctor’s appointment.
I spoke about circling on the roundabout for 30 minutes. How police was called. I can’t exactly remember how the convo went around this but it was less traumatic than with my partner. She in some sense understood but also didn’t. She said she thought I was stronger than her psychologically but apparently not. She told me to not to do this in the future, that the police will have marked me in some sense. I hope not in a negative manner. I understand I as a “white” person was treated differently (and others who are marginalized) would have been treated much more negatively. (I don’t know why I have such a hard time identifying as a “white” person…*)
I do believe we need to educate our police force on autistic meltdowns. Though I now worry that individuals who are not ND could use this as an excuse to perform shitty things and use the autism card. I’ve seen this in the HSE world where someone has used the safety card. Then we get into the whole topic of status cards and disability statuses. It gets complex. Visible and invisible disabilities or differences or needs.
Being at my mom’s was difficult. She would talk and this would just trigger me more. I have to ask her to speak more softly, more quietly, more calmly. I’m not sure if this is something to do with getting more triggered? Looks like AI does state that it impacts you:
Loud speaking can be painful
Speed of the speech creates a backlog of info
Emotive speech can cause you to mirror that speech in your head as a hyper-empath… I feel that so much; I can feel it while driving and it’s frustrating
Rhythm, speed and intonation of speed – is a lot to process
Sounds like it does lead to a meltdown – a system reset – too much at once, and you can’t handle it all.
I’ve tried to steer the speed and emotive speech when I’m finding I’m getting overstimulated. I need to communicate this to her. I just didn’t understand it at the moment – completely. But subconsciously I’ve tried to to steer the speed of convos in the past. Noticed this is something EC would bring up from her experience. Trying to slow down the speed of speech.
* Thinking more about the topic of identity and not feeling a strong presence around identifying as “white”… I don’t like it. I don’t want to be categorizing people based on skin colour or their stereotypes. You also have the historical aspect of “WASPs” oppression BIPOC. But you also had WASPs oppressing other ethnicities like Italians, Greeks, Ukrainians, Romanians… people who were generally not English. You had Ukrainians trauma bonding with Indigenous People, creating special relationships. You had Taras Shevchenko bonding with Ira Aldridge over slavery and serfdom. Like I have a hard time identifying with “white”. Maybe growing up in Toronto, you’re used to diversity. Having family members surprised by differences in ethnicities might have made them stop and look on with curiousity? My mom has told a story about my grandma seeing a Black Person for the first time and being confused and curious. I don’t know if that’s really the wording to use here because I truly don’t know how to explain how she truly processed that experience coming from a country or a place in the world where diversity was based on just religion, ethnicity and hair and eye attributes… maybe some skin complexions varying slightly but not significantly as you would observe in a diverse city like Toronto. I think that might be another post to further talk about.
I also think about parents with adopted children or children with different skin colour or ethnicity. How do you make that child feel accepted or feel like they truly have experienced their culture. That’s one thing I struggle with. If you adopt a child of another ethnicity – how do you support them in bringing them up in a culture they are biologically tied to. I’ve read articles of people feeling upset that they weren’t raised in the culture that they were biologically tied to and were in some sense upset with their adoptive parents. Raising a kid can get so complex. Like how do you not pressure them into an extracurricular but also want them to experience a culture or tradition you think is important? And how do you ensure that kid is not upset with the decisions made? I got frustrated with Ukrainian dancing after a certain point because it felt like a clique. There’s so much to unpack on this topic – i.e., parents not looking like their biracial child and others making crazy assumptions.
Reflecting on Quebec’s law around banning religious head coverings feels very hurtful. Not that I am personally impacted, but I understand that Muslim women see this a part of their identity. Forcing them to remove their head coverings is …unjust.
I’ve had friends who didn’t wear head coverings – and this was a choice they made at that moment. But they also made the decision to wear hijabs later in life. Other friends didn’t understand this and scrutinized them for it. It was kind of upsetting when you see a friend not supporting their friend’s decisions or beliefs. If you don’t understand, ask why. But ultimately they don’t owe you an answer. But going the route of assumptions and forceful opinions on a person and their decision just creates further division in society… and intolerance of differences.
There are Sikhs who decide to cut their hair. There are Sikhs who don’t cut their hair. That’s their decision.
There may be things in Holy Books that are considered a sin or haram but for others it might not. Just like the numbers 13 and 4 are seen as unlucky or mean death. If people want to believe in these things, let them but also be understanding that things in other cultures are different and that’s fine. We learn so much from each other on cultural differences.
Even with Halloween – European cultures find it so obscure and a devil’s event. I’ve heard my mom countlessly talk about it being a devil’s holiday. It’s an old school way of looking at it. I’ve recently had someone of Islamic faith have the same opinion. That’s fine. Though, some kids might feel like they want to partake in the holiday because it’s just a time to have fun and dress up. It’s an art form of sorts.
There are so many different religious traditions that have beautiful meanings. Even the Prayer Flags. They promote so much positivity into this world. Even in the Ukrainian culture – pysankas – Ukrainian Easter eggs have pagan undertones… despite paganism being considered to be a no-no amongst Ukrainian Christians. But those pagan symbols are a beautiful pattern or image to look at. We adopt traditions from the past and from each other. It’s how we evolve as humans.
Even with languages they evolve – you see different dialects when people in different regions create new words or slang. I think back to the Ukrainian language – you have regional dialects. Dialects from the first wave of Ukrainians in Canada was very Western Ukraine based. Galician / Halychyna. This dialect remained for 100+ years and when those Ukrainians head back to the motherland, people perceive them as a grandpa speaking. That language was so preserved in a way with English-isms added. Meanwhile formal Ukrainian was created and seen as the standard. Despite dialects still existing in smaller towns. And dialects are seen as less than, which is unfortunate because there are some very interesting words in different dialects. You see this in other cultures. I’ve heard about someone of Italian descent taking Italian language classes and being made fun of for speaking a different dialect than their family.
Going to the doctors and struggling to get paper work put together for workers comp has been difficult. There were other things I wanted to go through but I felt rushed with a timer on board and asked to fill out documentation that I’m technically not allowed to complete. This felt going against what is required.
That resulted in a meltdown on the road and subsequent need to hide under the bed covers and sleep long hours. Not that I wanted to sleep long hours but it just all felt too much. The world feels too much.
Sleeping until 1pm is not how I expected to spend my Saturday. It felt wasted.
My partner doesn’t quite understand the relapse and thinks I’m in a more darker place… or depression.
Is it depression? Maybe. It’s a mixture of burnout and just not sure how to go about things right now. I want to work but I’m also fucked up. How do I know an org will not cause this sort of burnout again? How do I know I won’t be treated like crap again? How do I not get to where I am now again. How do I advocate for myself more and actually have people listening to me? I also hate that people assume crappy things about others. I think back to JR assuming that people with damaged cars = shitty drivers. Damaged vehicles don’t necessarily mean they caused that damage but rather others could have. Just like people and trauma. They’re not inherently messed up but have some sort of CPTSD going on or are rigid based on their brain wiring.
Going to the gym was difficult. Staying in bed to regulate helped. But assumptions about me not wanting to go sucked. It felt like an automatic shut down with sass. I’m not sure where that sass is coming from but it sucks. I’m trying to communicate that burnout but I’m not being heard.
Being at the gym and trying to do my pre-workout treadmill sesh and having someone join next to me and proceed to speak loudly just really tilted me. More than tilted. I can’t explain it. It was too much. I was trying to focus on the workout and hearing someone talk.. it was like hearing news talk radio and getting triggered. I couldn’t manage in that situation and left. I rage quit. It was too much. Being on the weight machines was also not calming. It made me just more angry and caused me to cry. I was just ready to fucking leave this world. I can’t when things get this intense. It was too much.
My partner brushed up against me in a loving way and I still could not calm down. My facial expression hurt her, she felt like I had a dread in my look when I saw her… that she was causing that dread. She wasn’t. She isn’t. I just don’t know how to handle those emotions.
I didn’t have a satisfying workout unfortunately.
My mom ended up calling me back about an issue she was having. Did it calm me a bit? A bit. But I was still messed up.
Trying to have a convo about this with my partner at the gym, opened up some emotions. I understand she is struggling and feels like she’s carrying a weight things right now, financially. She’s worried that if she seeks therapy that will open up other issues and would result in her being off of work… and we can’t have her be off work. I don’t expect her to feel like the breadwinner. We have money saved. The process of getting the EI or WSIB is stupidly complex. They don’t just approve things. EI requires a doctors note but if you want to go the route of WSIB… there’s also another waiting game. Not being with an org since Dec 31… not that you burn through money, but things that attributed to this burnout and ADHD impulsivity really fucked me up. Your executive function doesn’t quite work like you want it to.
Even getting tasks done gets impossible. You want to prioritize but things just get too much. I don’t expect others to understand. If you’ve gone through this, you’ll understand. If you haven’t you won’t understand.
The convo with my partner felt more easing but I’ve asked her to seek that therapy. I think she needs to find those tools to manage her feelings and thoughts. The hurtful things said in the past suck… there are times where I think she’s ready to leave the relationship because of going 0-100 very quickly. Putting on a jacket and ready to go out the door. I don’t know what that means. But it’s also a flashback to my childhood with my parents.
We came to an understanding that things are difficult for the both of us.
Talking about my experience about my health – and not being seen – it sucked because she did admit that it was all in my head. Not sure if she sees this now? I think this is why I had a hard time believing she had health issues. Because I wasn’t seen, so I thought she was not being serious with her health issues. Weird psychological thing…I guess it’s a validation trauma – being gaslit or not believed, so it’s hard to validate her physical reality of issues with her stomach.
Growing up, I had different allergies or sensitivities to things – some to medication, some to food, other times it was chemicals like detergents. A prominent one was dairy. I couldn’t have certain yogurts, otherwise it would result in a stomach ache. We ended up doing an allergy sensitivity test. I’m not really sure how it worked. It was with some metal stick that they touch your skin (typically your hand) with. Years later it was through a blood test testing antibodies against different sensitivities. It was typical for milk to be an issue. Other times it was cane sugar. More recently I had an arm prick test done on my skin and it turned out I had a cat allergy. Though, I learned that your allergies do change every 10 years.
There was a period where I stopped having milk and switched over to goat milk. Over the years, I stopped having goat milk and switched over to almond milk (typically chocolate almond milk), to a mix of rice milk, soy milk and oat milk. If I could have regular milk, I’d go for it but I don’t trust my stomach.
The stomach issues just got worse after grade 6 or 7. I guess puberty?
There was a period where I wouldn’t eat breakfast because I was worried it would upset my stomach. This went on for a while. I truly don’t know how many years I didn’t eat breakfast. There were moments where I’d have dinner before an after school practice and have tea with sugar and for whatever reason this would somehow trigger an upset stomach. I’m not sure if it was the stress of getting to practice on time and sitting in traffic? This was the same case with being driven to high school – even though it was a 2-3 km distance to school, having breakfast somehow affected my stomach. The stress of getting there on time and not getting into trouble from the teachers for being late.
I’m not sure how this changed over the years but it somehow stabilized. I tried not to care about getting somewhere late. I think it really took a long time to not care or be worried. I felt like it was going to screw me up if I kept staying in that state of stomach irritability. I remember being at the ER with my best friend and his mom and overhearing a patient talk about getting stomach ulcers because of the stress of driving in the city. I do hope he’s ok… I can relate to sitting in GTA traffic and impacting your stomach. It’s hard. Toronto traffic is difficult to sit through.
Being on the road with a stomach that was no bueno. For the most part, I was able to control the issue. But there were times where it was difficult to manage. Trying to find a washroom in the city when you’re not at a project site is difficult. I think I was able to manage based on what I ate. But if I ate comfort food, there was that possibility of it messing me up. You learned to avoid certain things like Teriyaki Express or the Egg Sausage Sandwich from Starbucks. Not sure why those things triggered an upset stomach.
During a company training, they asked what kind of food restrictions we had. I indicated non-dairy. At a comment a colleague made about who ordered the non-dairy food… it kinda singles you out and makes you feel “othered” and not really wanting to be that person for ordering that food. In other instances, you have no idea what you’re getting if you get “other food”. Will it be as good? Seeing vegetarian food on flights looked pretty depressing. Like it didn’t look great and seeing the person trying to eat it… they struggled with the quality. Getting vegan food at sports venues is hit or miss. Sometimes it’s good, other times not so much. You have no idea how long it’s been sitting there. Is it still good? I like to go the vegan route just to switch things up. Red meat can be heavy on your stomach. Vegan alternatives can be easier to digest. I’ve had great vegan food within the city and you wouldn’t consider it to be not flavourful or difficult to consume due to texture. It depends on the restaurant. I’ve had terrible chicken Pad Thai in Florida – the chicken was dried out.
I remember having some tasty Chinese food in Lviv back in 2016, but hell that wrecked my stomach. I’m not sure if it was the oil or what but my stomach didn’t handle that well. That was the only place that impacted me negatively while travelling to Ukraine that year.
Other times it can be just food handling practices – has a sauce been stored outside of the required temperature? Two instances involving hoisin sauce. Once at YVR airport – an asian noodle restaurant that had reviews of food poisoning. I think I left a review but I must have deleted it thinking my employer would disapprove of negative feedback. What commenced 30 minutes before boarding was torture. The following hour or so was additional torture. Not being able to go to the washroom on a flight until you can unbuckle yourself from the seat was extremely difficult. Being able to do so was in some sense relieving but the entire flight was torture. I think I made countless trips to the lavatory. At one point I think I was about to throw up on the flight. Just when I thought this was going to end when I landed… this continued at home. Both ends. We’ll keep it at that.
I think I ended up taking the day off. My boss encouraged to hydrate and eat bananas and rice or carbs or something along those lines. I can’t remember now. But it was messed up. It irritated my innards where you’re now seeing blood and you start wondering, am I alright? There were other moments where my stomach was not ok. I had Vietnamese food from a local restaurant… again with hoisin sauce just sitting out in the open. My partner was ok (she has a stomach made of steel) while I BARELY made it home…. and it’s just a 15 minute drive.
Around this time, dealing with the stress at work from the local team and this food poisoning episode, my body was not dealing well. I lost count of how many times I went to the walk-in clinic. I didn’t have a family doctor around this time period. I remember seeing an article about younger people having more cases of colorectal cancer and this further made me question if this is the case. There was nausea and being unable to eat. Losing my appetite during lunch and dinner. I couldn’t figure it out. There was also the dry eyes that I couldn’t explain. My coffee tasting salty and I had no idea why.
After numerous walk-in clinic visits, I ended up having a colonscopy that came back fine.
I had numerous visits to the ER with a kidney stone in May 2023. Most excruciating pain ever.
Thinking about the past – I had maybe three instances likely related to stress resulting in ER visits – once when navigating through a turbulent relationship feeling pain in my abdomen. This resulted in ultrasounds and a pelvic exam. The pelvic exam did not feel like it was done in a respectful manner and was forceful. Almost like to punish me? The other two felt like they were impacting my chest (causing chest pain) and the other felt like high blood pressure (resulting in neck pain). With the neck pain, this was during COVID where people were coming in by ambulance and refusing to wear masks. Based on this observation, I ended up walking out of the ER. The pain still remained until the following morning. On a positive note, the staff did call back to check to see if I was ok and why I had left.
Even in university when I would consume coffee, I’d have tight chest feelings and would impact how I felt. Doctors at the ER wouldn’t have an answer on this.
I think dealing with these health issues in 2023 was difficult. When it happened so often, I guess my partner just saw it as a redundancy and not something I was dealing with. Not seeing it as something I was struggling with; so I didn’t feel seen which sucked. Having them further unravel in 2024 was much harder.
Even now my stomach is struggling during certain moments. Some foods impact me differently. I can’t figure out what I can or cannot have. I have to be very selective on what I eat. Sometimes I feel like meat is too heavy for my stomach to digest. Sometimes I think beer is easier to help with digestion. I’m not sure if that’s a folks tale? Maybe. But I think the bitterness helps like Piołun herbata – Wormwood tea.
The energy levels is a different story. I remember this being an issue in high school and not understanding why. This came and went during 10 years at the first org; I think my sleeping patterns were terrible at this point. I didn’t get the right sleep during this time period. Same with the 2nd org but I think I got ok sleep levels during this time but was more of a night owl. The energy levels really struggled at the 3rd org.
There were moments where I think my vitamin B12 levels were low due to drinking a lot of coffee. So I would stop drinking coffee. But this also impacted my focus. But without knowing it chewing gum aggressively helped.
Even with anxiety I tried to supplement in 2022 with CBD gummies and this felt like it impacted my vitamin B12 levels. Why? The side of my mouth was cracking – a typical symptom I got when my levels were low. Did the CBD gummies help? To some extent. Until they didn’t because of the mouth cracking, so I had to stop.
It has been a vicious cycle trying to figure out how to manage my stress levels. Try to not care about things like traffic and getting on time… but that wasn’t enough of a strategy. When people know my Kryptonite, this sucks. I go into autistic meltdown. And this results in some form of burnout. Might need to hide under the covers and not eat food that is triggering to my stressed stomach. This is hard to figure out.
Trying to navigate all of this with family stuff also adds to the stress (being gay, not living up to family expectations, not taking care of them or not living with them, not attending family functions because you’re trying to conserve your energy levels, not trying to have family opinions impact you… it’s a lot). But within a workforce where you’re under a microscope and told one thing but see another thing, this definitely impacts you.
Ok, vse. Ne znayu shcho bilshe skazaty. Za bahato tysku y vsim.
Why is it that we talk about women coming so far in the workforce but yet we really haven’t. Are women truly treated the same as their male counterparts? When you see a female CFO with 8 years experience in a company have less perks than a male Finance Director – like a car and commuting to work by an Uber. How is this equitable?
Women in general are treated less than by males or are mansplained to.
Interestingly, or sadly, 42-44% of women experience harassment in the workplace in Canada and the US. Furthermore, 58% women with disabilities and 91% of women in trades report harassment in the workplace. We push women to go into construction but cannot treat them in a respectful manner. Organizations can’t even provide the basics like toilet paper and soap in washrooms. Friends refuse to use washroom facilities at construction sites. They go to the nearest coffee shop. We’re spoken to like children and questioned if we truly know what we are doing. I’ve even had my childhood friend, an architect, mention that there is discrimination in the architecture field. Women are more likely to be pigeon holed into office work rather than site supervision or project management, giving them less diversification of project exposure and are less likely to get their architecture licenses.
The gender pay gap also remains – Women make 85-88¢ for every $1, and this much significant for Women of Colour – 74-78¢ for every $1.
Women in C-Suite roles remain typically below 40%. Though I’ve seen as low as 30% in Canada and much less in the US.
Looks like there is a much higher rate of burnout amongst Senior Level women vs men – 60% vs 50%.
You try to state this and people (typically men) still try to refute this by saying it’s illegal and how can it be that women are treated less or paid less? We may have things written on paper, but is it actualized or is it still a theory and employers aren’t truly supporting women?
I remember seeing a pay stub of a male who did a role after a female was moved from that role. From my understanding, this individual did make more than the female. This male’s experience was not as the high standard the female had implemented. While their manager demoted the female and attempted to further reduce her pay. If this isn’t sexism, I’m not sure what is. I really didn’t want to speak to anyone about this because the information provided is confidential and puts me into a difficult place. However, these are simple facts of the reality of this department and organization. Men will attempt to suppress females who have the potential to do great things.
AuDN4T 