AuDN4T

Literally everywhere I go. Everything is working against me. I just fucking can’t. This is fucked up. Like I just want to die. Like I can’t any more. So fuck all of this.

So Kara Ford is making $211k up from $157k as Director of Strategy and Stakeholder Engagement at a fairly small healthcare facility. She previously made $128k-132k as a manager in public affairs. All four government postings, paid by taxpayers. She has a two year diploma from Conestoga College in Broadcasting. Typically a role like Communications would require a Masters degree and a decades experience.

Looking at this role of Director of Strategy and Stakeholder Engagement… makes no sense… if you look up the definition of Board of Directors they’re the ones to work on strategy and manage stakeholders. So is she a secretary? Or is she the Board of Directors? Is the Board of Directors her?

Looking at her Chief of HR… she makes $5k less… as a director, you think she reports to her because the HR Director has Strategy in her title. So it all makes no sense. Further looking at the pay raises a lot of these top 6-10 people in this publicly funded org had… they have been significant. 30%. I don’t know many organizations that give 30% pay raises.

Doug Ford couldn’t make less as his daughter so he gave himself a pay raise of 30% as well.

Something stinks at Runnymede Healthcare Centre. Connie Dejak doesn’t seem to have any sort of healthcare background. Does not have a degree in healthcare whatsoever. How is she truly connected with her staff? Makes about $600k for a small facility. How does that make sense? Looks like she also got a medal from Doug Ford. Is this a scratch my back, and I scratch your back type of situation?

They mention rehabilitation for first responders… how effective is this? Is this a on paper idea or political story they’re throwing out there. How is this building any different from West Park or other rehab hospitals?

I also find it funny that in university, you’re told if you want to make more money, you have to go into the corporate world… but this is almost on par with what you see in the corporate world. The HSE Specialist at Runnymede Healthcare Centre made more than me… and I worked in the private sector as a Safety Manager. Make that make sense.

Why is it that you also find this huge discrepancy on RN pay. Some make $200k while others make $120k or less? $200k at CAMH…

If my mom made ~$100k in 2018, that would equate to $126k in 2026. I understand there’s hazard pay but there’s also something that doesn’t make sense. Looks like many of these nurses are male. So equal pay isn’t true, is it? Why do you have RN’s making more than Senior Scientists?

Some people have recent schooling in nursing… so again, how does it make sense?

The wild thing is that the professors that are supposed to teach our next generation of healthcare technicians in the medical field make $100k-$130k. How do they afford living in Canada?! In the 2nd most expensive province in the country?! How do you keep talented people who can truly teach our kids?

Why do we have CEOs with no waking experience in the healthcare field but rather have studied policy and never stepped foot as a doctor? You’ve got these people with leadership roles, but what do they truly know about boots on the ground? Feels like a huge disconnect.

Why do we even have these policy programs? Had a friend go through a program in Ottawa. Is it just a set up to get someone in public office or a lobbyist for the government or a statistician?

Grosses me out when you have these lifelong CEOs and politicians without knowledge of reality. They just show up for the photo-ops but never had to work hard in a day in their life.

I’ve tried my best to avoid shouting during conflicts. It’s something I’ve seen as a child with my parents.

I’ve tried my best to work on myself to not be that person. Not shout when things get intense or emotional. Speaking with AL, it sounds like I haven’t raised my voice with her. I think I may have raised my voice with my mom but it’s a boundary that I haven’t made yet? I don’t know how I’ve created a line in the sand or rule of not yelling with AL but somehow it still comes out with my mom.

But the issue now is I sometimes shut down and cry with AL.

With the 2nd relationship, I don’t think I yelled. But she tried to get a raise out of me. When she didn’t get it out of me, she would make a comment about expecting me to do something harmful to her. I don’t get it? Like that’s the one thing I tried to get away from because it’s something I grew up with. Makes me wonder how many female relationships have physical conflict or abuse? AL’s past relationship resulted in her being punched. That’s scary and sad. Like it makes me sad she had to endure that.

I remember having boundaries in the 2nd relationship like locking up my gym stuff in a locker or generally securing something because of my past childhood experience of things being stolen from our apartment. My ex questioned why secure something, that I should have faith or trust in people that they are not going to steal my stuff. When I disagreed, I was made to be a shitty person. It did feel like my boundaries were pushed often. If I didn’t want to do something, I was a problem. If I did do something or agreed with her, I wasn’t authentic in that thought or decision. I couldn’t figure it out. It was confusing. And I remained in that relationship longer than I should have. I thought it would work? But maybe I was just dumb at that time? Is it the AuDHD dumbness; brain maturity was delayed?

I just don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore. So working on being that communicator even when people won’t like what they hear and try to talk through the topic. If they still don’t see it, I guess it’ll be up to them if they want to or not.

It’s hard jumping and saying yes to things when I’m not listened to or seen… or just being able to be me.

It’s also stupidly hard being in my brain. Creating structures around things. Showering a specific time, getting home at a certain time to make sure I’m not sitting in traffic, making dinner a specific time, going to the gym a certain time. If it’s not done, things get harder to process the day. But also fear that my partner will be mad that we’re not in that structure. I think I need to talk about flexibility with AL if the day doesn’t go as planned.

It feels like I’m also stuck with my mom’s structure. If I explain I need to do something, she gets frustrated that I’m not accommodating her.

In a work setting – thinking about having convos with coworkers stepping on toes was hard. Because they say they are a big boy, but when they do over step and you try to explain it, they still get defensive. Or they don’t listen. When there’s a typo in a document that is supposed to be official and you’re not listened to, how do you end up getting it fixed? aaaaaaaaand that’s a tangent lol.

It’s funny because I had focus earlier but focus is totally gone. I need coffee or something. IDK. I’m just exhausted from everything. I know I have been saying this for so long. It’s like I’m got writer’s block but in life in everything I do. Can’t get up in the morning. Can’t have a schedule. Can’t do appointments at the doc’s. Can’t be ok. Bleh. And apparently EC is in my car? I HAVE NO IDEA what anything even means.

My current concern is my cat. She’s not feeling well today and I’m worried about her. I don’t like seeing her struggle.

April 2 was Autism Awareness Day or Autism Acceptance Day. I never really thought I was Autistic. Sure, I joked with friends about being OCD about things or having ADHD squirrel moments.

It was only recently that I started to really look deeper into the topic. But I never thought Autism looked like me or my friends. It was always that stereotypical white boy presentation of Autism. A child having a meltdown by the noise levels of the space, stimming and non-verbal. This was the image I had of the family relative I knew. That was the representation of Autism I grew up with. (Except, I’ve recently understood that sensory overstimulation does affect me, I do stim and can become non-verbal when I am in an Autistic burnout).

Decades later we’re introduced to shows like “Love on the Spectrum”… and you see a slightly less high needs Autistic type of individual being represented. Only recently we’ve had shows like CBC’s The Assembly showing different types of autistic and neurodivergent people and I start understand that non-verbal people are not “lost in their world”… as my mom would say. They just don’t have a means of communicating in a neurotypical world. But when they’re provided with the right tools, they can communicate in this world.

Going through burnout, I understood that I do experience sensory overload. Being in a loud space like the SkyDome, I’ve fawned and cried because everything was intense. I’ve cried at the gym and wanted to die because my sensory overload was too much.

Suicide ideation is huge amongst Autistics. We’re more likely to die of suicide than non-autistics. I’ve looked at a study that looked at statistical data around TTC suicides and they’ve listed mental health issues like depression and anxiety, schizophrenia, substance abuse, bipolar – these made up 68% of the deaths. However, the big number that isn’t talked about is 35.4% and it’s listed as “other” under mental health conditions. What’s interesting is that 85% never left a suicide note; 93.7% didn’t have any sort of offenses; 94.7% did not have any sort of police or legal stressors; 95% did not have any sort of recent medical/health stressors; 92.4% did not have any sort of interpersonal conflict stressors; 96.7% did not have an intimate relationship breakup; 91% did not have an employment/financial stressor; 96% did not have a bereavement in the past year and the mean age is 32-41.

Why are Autistics more likely to die of suicide? There can be various reasons including that the world is simply not built for us. We feel injustice very strongly. We also mask to fit in and when we hit autistic burnout, it really takes a toll on your.

Learning more about myself, I’ve noted that I been subconsciously accommodating myself – wearing headphones on train rides to university. As a 13 year old, wearing headphones in the car while my mom listened to news talk radio. Something about news talk radio can be triggering from a sensory standpoint. Losing friends in elementary school and not understanding how that happened. Being bullied in elementary sucked. Generally being that weird different kid… and not growing up as an adult. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t relate to people who were parents as a 20-30 year old. And there are studies that indicate that neurodivergent people have a brain that matures later. This isn’t to say that I’m entirely immature. I’m knowledgeable about a lot of various things and dabble in topics that are special interests – and there are many. I also have random facts in my head because stuff just interests me to no end.

I also noted that my brain processing speed was kind of off as a child; words and thoughts didn’t always match in speed. I’d catch myself to determine if my facial reactions were right. Also, not understanding why I had an easy way of talking to some people but not everyone. Not understanding why people would fluff up emails with nothingness but words while I just wanted to just get to the point in the email. I never understood having to read paragraphs before getting to the point of the person’s ask, need, etc. But I’ve also found myself over-explaining things because work is complex as a subject matter expert and you don’t want people to misunderstand your message because you’re frequently misunderstood.

I’ve found that photography has let me ground in very intense environments. I’ve also noted that I suck in huge social settings. I need alcohol to get through those events. One on one settings are much easier… otherwise I do get quiet.

Throw in ADHD and it covers up that Autism. But subconsciously I knew I was paradoxical in a weird way. Liking quiet spaces but also liking being around people. Liking arts, music and sports. Hyperfocussing on random things and going into rabbit holes on Wikipedia about random topics. Just being curious about random things in this world… like how things work.

I now understand why it took so much energy after the fact of being in a social setting. Or why it is hard to get out of the house some days. Or why I need to be in a dark, quiet space (sometimes with sunglasses) and simply do nothing. Sometimes sleep is the only way to recover. Sometimes coffee is needed to get a kick out of the house. I also understand why I “die” in conversations via text. This isn’t to say I’m mad at you or I’m ghosting you. I’m just struggling a bit here with thoughts and trying to communicate and everything is too much. I do still care about the people in my life very deeply.

Emotions – I’ve noted that my emotions can be delayed… or why putting words together was delayed. I’ve found myself in a room full of tearful people and I’ve struggled with showing emotions because I’m overwhelmed in that environment. I found myself sending a text after hanging out with a friend because using verbal words in that moment were hard to find. But it also explained why I got creative with words to describe something in a silly manner.

Over the years, I’ve been quiet verbally – part of it is the thought processing. Other times it was rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It just has also turned into masking myself as well. That also had led to misinterpretations about me in the workplace which was not cool. Other times it’s my own fear of having an autistic meltdown and being seen as unprofessional. Either fawn or fight (while throwing some f-bombs). lol.

The social cues are hard to follow at times and self-monitoring in a conversation and trying to figure out when to leave the convo. I just thought I was an awkward person. The wild thing is that you start reading people, their facial expressions and trying to read social cues… and this is how you just end up figuring out visual feedback but it’s exhausting. Rather having someone beat around the bush, why can’t they just say something in a respectful manner. It’s hard because I try to give feedback and the other person gets defensive. But I’ve tried my best to base things on facts.

The dumb thing is the world doesn’t understand that Autistics can look like anybody yet we don’t do anything to make this world more accessible for everyone. We make everyone try to fit a mould. It’s exhausting trying to advocate for yourself. It’s exhausting when psychiatrists don’t know how to diagnose females, trans and BIPOC during Autism Assessments. I’ve been labelled OCD personality and BPD because I’m rigid and this is triggering since you just want to be seen.

Many might ask – why do you even want a diagnosis anyway. Why? So that you know what works for you in this world not built for you and how you can make life easier for you.

I’ll end this post with one last thought – meeting one Autistic person doesn’t mean you’ve met all Autistic People. We’re all different with different experiences, thoughts, beliefs, special interests, comorbidities, strengths, weaknesses, sensory issues, etc…. just like neurotypical being different in their way. At the end of the day, it’s not a disorder but a different brain wiring, processing of this world.

This weekend was pretty intense. Yes, I’m going to use the word intense.

Saturday was filled with a lot of events – 3 protests, street photography, short hangout with a friend and a catch up with a friend at her coffee shop.

All three protests were meaningful and represent what’s currently going on in this world – locally, continental neighbourhood and abroad.

With our province, it feels frustrating and tiring. I’ve posted about it on FB. There’s so many things wrong going on and no one is holding the Premier accountable. He just keeps plowing through with dumb ideas that will benefit people in high places. All the while the people that pay him and his staff and other MPPs salaries and tax money just burns into the abyss and nothing is left to take care of the people here or even people outside of the GTA. He’s acting like the Premier of Toronto and not the Premier of Ontario. It’s mind blowing.

Being there felt therapeutic. I just wish we could be there during a work day – when Queen’s Park is in session. Make them tremble in their boots from the noise. Why can’t we just do a day of action like women in Iceland did when they were fighting for their rights?

I did want to speak but I just couldn’t get thoughts put together. I think I have an idea of what I’d want to say during the next protest.

Taking photos around the city was also therapeutic and had some political undertones.

Speaking with my Coffee Roaster Friend was also therapeutic. She’s just got such amazing viewpoints in this world but also just cares about people. We need more people like her.

I feel like I’m posting here and there and messaging is so complex and inconsistent? But if you compile it together, it’ll make sense?

We just need to support each other and fight for what is right. For the interest of us – people. And fighting for the underdogs that need that support because they’ll bring so much to the table. If the mom and pop shops are gone… where does that leave us? If those with disabilities are left behind, what purpose are we giving to them in life? How can we accommodate them? Seeing some people at the protest not be able to be thoroughly accommodated sucked to see. There was someone in a mobility device and couldn’t join us for a march around Queens Park. The very building that passes laws on AODA is not accessible to everyone…. even during protests. The infrastructure around Queens Park isn’t even pedestrian friendly. An acquaintance made a comment that it’s as if our politicians don’t want us there based on how it’s set up. Who planned this space? LOL. Do we really care about accessibility? Do our politicians care? And I mean the ever encompassing accessibility of visible and not visible disabilities or differences? We all at one point could potentially might need to use a wheelchair… and will they feel comfortable with the current set up of environment? Michener Institute had a great simulation for able bodied people of what elderly people may experience.

I think back to a moment I had with an elderly person at Woodbine Beach – she tried to pass me her phone to take a photo of her and her friends while I was at a lifeguard station. I forgot that lifting your arms above your head height may be very limited. Clicks in my head about my mom holding her hands up at the fridge to reset the computer. I keep forgetting she’s no longer 50 or 60 but 70. Shouldn’t have laughed about that mistranslation between seconds and minutes. I feel shitty now.

I know we have more boomers hitting that retirement age and the push to understand them better. But I think we need to have all these different factors included when we’re designing our spaces – young, old, physical disabilities, hidden disabilities, sensory, etc. How are other countries navigating through this? Who’s excelling at this?

Had a very hard time with energy levels today. Couldn’t get up out of bed. I couldn’t deal with the day. I know there’s the idea of counting 1-5 and getting out of bed. Just things couldn’t work. Only thing to get me out of bed was to get to the webinar on ASD.

Cleaned a bit in the apartment and grabbed a coffee.

I wanted to take in the webinar but my executive function wasn’t fully there. Did get some interesting facts out of it that 98% of clinicians don’t know how to assess Autism. That’s a profound number. It was interesting to hear the perspective from people from the UK, US and Canada. But also recognizing that assessments are very colonialist based.

Recognition to include autistic people in the process of creating these assessments is very important too. How do we know that DSM-6 will even include the autistic perspective on how to assess Autistics?

I agree that the yes/no questions are very tricky to answer and are frustrating. There’s a lot of variations.

Autistics will also be oftenly misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, BPD, narcissistic behaviour. Majority of Autistics will never be anxiety free.

Trying to have a convo with my mom about this was problematic. She’s got the mindset that I’m just trying to force a diagnosis on myself. I’m not, but I know my mind is set up differently. Things get hard. I burnout. I want to better understand myself but also see how we can make this world more easier for everyone. Have us better understood.

When 80% of Autistics are unemployed – how do we truly get us back into the workforce? We have many great qualities that can make work more efficient. We have interesting perspectives. We can recognize issues from afar based on our data point gathering.

Being at the gym was frustrating. I just want a good work out done. Seeing people hog machines was frustrating. Not really putting in the workout and then going in for a massage… as if they deserve that massage after scrolling their phone at the gym weight machines and not working out. What’s the point of going to the gym if you’re just going to sit there on a weight machine not using it? But hey, who am I to make rules? I’m just someone who cares about the efficiency of my workout and getting results for what I paid for.

I’m tired. Like I want to make a change in this world but it’s hard.

The WSIB process is stupidly complicated, there’s no transparency. All documents are not listed in the claim, you have no idea where it’s at if you’re appealing it. It’s not an easy website to navigate. Through that in with other provinces having different layouts and it’s just inconsistent across the board. Don’t hear from anyone for days…. no “pending review”… just “rejected claim”.

Even filing this claim was a nightmare. My executive function was fucked up – I honestly don’t care about the f bombs now. I’m fucking tired of everything right now. I’m tired of trying to get movement on EI or WSIB. Doctors aren’t very helpful.

You want to apply for the disability credit but that makes shit more complicated when your doctor is away on a leave… what if you don’t have a doctor? 2.5 million people in Ontario don’t have one. How do you successfully get approval on a disability credit? Pay out of pocket for a Nurse Practitioner? But you might not even get it.

I’m exhausted with everything… coffee? IDK. How much can I compensate with this? I need to get a specific coffee to get me going for the day… otherwise it’s not going to hit. Even if the temperature on that coffee is going to ruin the focus.

Having my partner and mom not understand is fucking me up even more. Because they do not understand that going to the doctor will further dysregulate me after the last appointment. I don’t want to be someone driving to the doctor’s office and becoming a fucking menace or hazard on the road. Like I don’t even know what to do any more. Even with the psychiatrist appointment – I don’t even know how that will go because I don’t feel seen. Getting my Vyvanse refill has been stupid because either I call them and have to tell them I need it now but I need to get a pharmacist on the phone to get it refilled in the next 1-4 hours or if I walk in, I have to wait 30 minutes to 1 hour. The steps are too many and you just end up being frozen in place. It’s stupid. I don’t intend to make it complicated but the pharmacy also makes it complicated if you forget to call in for refill or doctors limit the refill to 1 or 2 and now you’re scrambling to get an appointment…. but what happens if your doc is away?

Can there be some sort of process to help people with burnout? Docs listen more carefully when they hear autistic burnout? Some sort of accommodation in real life…outside of work? I understand we’ve got social workers and maybe that could be something that could work? (or maybe not, they might have other things to deal with). Even then… our province doesn’t give a crap about us… why would they even provide this sort of service? They just want to take away these services, right? Everything is way too fucking hard. I remember someone at CAMH laughing at me for expecting others to help with stuff. My executive function was not there. I was fucked. Or made a comment about me walking in the corridor and that I should be walking faster? Like what? Why? I didn’t understand and still don’t understand what that even meant. There were some moments in there that were just messed up.

I typically didn’t have issues paying for bills, but I’m struggling here. I know there are some that I need to pay and I can’t get myself to do them. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I can pay rent, but when it comes to smaller things like toll highways… it’s too much of an effort.

And it’s like I don’t even wanna leave the house because things are just too much. Am I going to do something that will overwhelm me during this time? I remember having this feeling in Lviv when I got there on my own. I remember this feeling also when I moved out and was dealing with my mom being upset about moving out. I had such a hard time leaving the apartment. I can’t even explain it. My brain is just stuck and hunkering down at home – prefers the safety of indoors. Despite wanting to explore Lviv.

Making a post about the weekend FB – it felt good to have friends reach out about how they were feeling about it and their experiences. Knowing we’re not alone in this. Just sucks that we struggled on our own.

As I write this, there’s a thunderstorm brewing and the cat is oddly looking out the window. Never seen her do that. Would have expected her to hide from the noise. Wondering why she’s hanging out with me here in the living room. I mean I still need to feed her, but there are still moments where she hangs out here with me. Protector of m4rkn4t? She was glued to me last night, I moved and she moved with me. Found a way to anchor herself to me. She came over in the morning to cuddle. She also cuddled with me on the couch. I think that’s her fave cuddle spot. I know AL says she thinks she’s her fave, but IDK. I think it depends on the season. Who’s home more often?

I did miss hanging out with my friends this past weekend, but just with everything going on. I don’t think I could have trekked over to Chatham. In a weird way, the protests were therapeutic… trying to get justice when everything is difficult. I do miss my friends dearly. They’re such amazing people who are hella funny, smart and you can be yourself with them.

I know I haven’t really talked about the lay off with friends. Everything has been just a lot. Burnout was hard. Still is. Talking about it with my Coffee Roaster Friend was good. She’s super easy to talk to and you get a good insight from her on her experiences. I feel lucky I’ve been able to befriend her… she’s really taught me a bit about coffee but also we’ve had great convos about sports (like the Olympics) and the world in general. Her creating a welcoming – human space at a cafe makes the experience more home-y in a place like Toronto.

The added stress of car issues is like what else? What else is going to go wrong? I need to spend $1k~ on ball joints or shocks or control arm? Just feels like Murphy’s Law is hitting right now and I wish it didn’t.

Having a convo with my partner about me being like my father… it sucked. Why would she use this very fact to hurt me? I understand she has data points on past relationships and her sister’s relationships, but I have never asked her for money. I have never said I don’t want to return to work. I do want to return to work. But I also don’t want to get to the same point I was at earlier. I don’t want to end up at CAMH or stuck under my covers trying to recover. I have trust issues after what transpired.

Even with compensation, I’d expect specific accommodations including compensation for coffee… because I need that to focus… it can sound dumb but that is the reality of it. I’d say pre-reads for meetings or questions sent over beforehand so that I could mull over em before giving a more thoughtful response. Otherwise you’ll get something that just makes no sense or misconstrued or misinterpreted. Garbage in, garbage out data. Like using ServiceNow for safety stats LOL. Not quite the example to use but it makes sense in my head. It’s silly that we based our opinion on people based on their immediate response rather than letting them have a think over the question or topic. Not everything needs to involve speed in providing an answer to a question… and that’s fine.

We decided to see a movie at the Woodbine Mall – the state of that mall really makes me wonder what is going on. I will have to further look into that but there are a lot of roof leaks.

I popped into the washroom after having dinner at the food court and there was a mom supporting her young child. She was doing a good job, like I found her coaching her young son while washing his hands very caring and loving. She seems like a mom who is doing her best to keep her son regulated. He did seem like he had a sensory issue with water. I can relate to that in a different manner when I’m beginning to have sensory overstimulation around noise and light. It might not be as extreme, but I can understand it.

I can’t imagine how hard it is for the mom being in this situation. What impact it has on her – financially, support-wise, psychologically. I don’t know if violence is an issue – but some high needs autistic children and people may have moments where they can self-harm and others. That is just the reality of it.

I really don’t know the difficulties BIPOC mom’s of high needs autistic kids go through. I can only imagine even from a gender and BIPOC pay gap. Is she working? or does she have to take care of her son because schools are not funded to support autistic kids? Does she have access to mental health care? Does work cover therapy? Does she have assistance so she could have some down time? Does she have support from family? Some family members shun other family members because 1) they don’t understand 2) don’t know how to deal with the situation, or 3) are ashamed. There could be other reasons. But not all families are supportive unfortunately. I do hope she has a good support system.

I wish I did have a convo with her but I was worried I’d overwhelm her as she’s trying to take care of her son. It felt a bit intense and I wasn’t exactly sure how to navigate it without making it harder for the three of us.

It makes me angry at what this government is doing. It’s all self interest based but when it comes to taking care of its own people, they keep stripping funding for all of us.

Legislation and processes don’t support neurodivergent people. Supporting someone during harassment in the workplace, education of police force, trying to apply for EI or WSIB (especially when you are burnout), the process is broken. It’s too complicated.

Dental care? The federal dental care won’t kick in until your next tax season because it’s based on your past years income. If you made over $90k as a family the previous year, you won’t qualify. So if you need to see a dentist, you’re going to have to pay out of pocket.

This is messed up post – but my thoughts are just bouncing here and there.

I do wish that mom knows that strangers do care and wish we could do something.

This is a frustrating state of mind. When you have a hard time prioritizing things, your thoughts. Words just don’t come out as you want. Even in written language, you can’t figure out your thoughts or words.

Even trying to read articles or posts makes it difficult. My attention span is not there. And I want to give that attention to people who are reaching out. But it’s just not there. It’s difficult.

The sleep changes suck. I don’t really want to be up until 2am or 3am.

Even trying to complete forms for WSIB or state facts or documentation is difficult. When your executive function is not operating properly, you can’t communicate things as they need you to. You have a hard time reading through Policies in their org. But that is how the system is set up – the employee is supposed to provide the facts.

I literally feel like a wasted person and no one really understands. I’m sure there are some that may but having those close to me trying to understand is an impossible feat to explain. …maybe it is just that idea of running off to not be seen again or…

Long gone are the days of appliances and equipment lasting years. You have fridges that once lasted very long and needed parts replaced. Now the part replacement is the cost of purchasing a new fridge. Creating a lot of waste and unnecessary energy waste. How can we logically justify all that energy wasted to create a new fridge and time spent working to earn that money to purchase that new fridge when the price of producing that fridge part technically should cost less to produce and wastes less energy?

Even with cameras – I’ve purchased Leica cameras because of the manual option with shutter dials and aperture. My Leica M8 is a 20 year old camera but works fine. It has a nice image film-like rendering. I bought it second hand due to the pricing of these cameras. Spending $5k or $11k is not feasible for me. For a camera that is 20 years, you now have a hard time finding a battery that works for it or has the same battery life the original batteries had. Finding an OEM battery is difficult; you’re not sure if it will good enough or if it will damage the camera further. It’s such a double edge sword.

After a while Leica moved onto the path of switching from camera having the ability to accept OEM batteries to cameras that were limited to Leica only produced batteries. These batteries have a chip in them preventing them from being produced by others. When these batteries are no longer produced, what is the camera owner to do once their batteries have died completely? Is it fair for a manufacturer to force batteries or equipment or parts to be proprietary and prevent the consumer from using their product? Why are we producing more waste in this world?

Even with vehicles – why are car manufacturers now dictating that your vehicle car basics are subscription based? If you spend $40k on a vehicle with a radio, android auto, heated seats – how is it ok to shut off those features after 2 years? You paid for those services in your car. If you didn’t want those, you could have gone for a trim level below. In a world where you think you’re supposed to progress as humans, you expect safety features to be standard. Like seat belts, and turning signals, heated mirrors, etc. Are we going to remove those safety features and expect consumers to pay for them as well? We can look at the case of Boeing – how many of their planes suddenly plummeted downward resulting in crashes, killing many people? What countries were impacted by this? What countries were not impacted? Why were some safety features available but not others? Because it came down to cost? Is this the direction we’re headed?

If companies care about safety, health and environmental sustainability – they would truly buy into these systems. Looking at Leica’s sustainability statement, with how they’ve proceeded with their M-series camera batteries, this does not ring true:

“Leica stands for visual enjoyment and lasting value. Our approach and unique technical expertise make our optical instruments ideal companions, offering the highest possible reliability and durability…”

Seeing those mounds of clothing in Ghana beaches because companies think it’s ok to “donate” this clothing somewhere when they’ve had enough of it is pretty shitty to do.

Organizations need to really commit to sustainability because this is getting way out of hand. How do we hold them accountable?