The Atlantic had an article about gaps in relationships… or rather differences. Reading the comments section, many focused on age being a gap – for some reason this was the only difference they only saw.
You can find gaps or differences in relationships on many different levels. This can include:
education level
race
style/individualism
music preferences
hobbies
political beliefs
ethnicity
nationality
job positioning (white collar vs blue collar)
employment status
financial
intelligence
health – active lifestyle, alcohol, drug use
religion
Seeing how Canada can be very diverse – I’ve seen couples who have differing job positioning (white collar vs blue collar) and they make it work, financial status – you see who get into relationships with older people who pay for their companionship (sugar mamas and sugar daddies) – this can be oftenly seen in the gay community at bars. You can find interracial relationships (and I kind of smile when I see this, because it feels like we’ve come such a long way for this to be embraced… though I know there are still people who disapprove of this).
I’ve seen high school couples with varying music preferences and styles which was pretty interesting to see from a sociological perspective.
Even with religion you see this across the world with varying couples of religions and they somehow make it work. I think back to my mom and she talked about having SO’s who were primarily of the same religion just a different denomination (Orthodox Christian vs Ukrainian Catholic) and ending those relationships because of a minor difference. Having an SO who was Jewish was kind of a no-no as well. But it’s not something I even wanted to make aware to anyone because why give that heartache to that SO at the time.
My dad would talk about how he would disown me if I brought home a Black bf… this is a very common belief in many EE families and Greek (from conversations I’ve had with a manager). It’s odd because he did say he found Black Women attractive, so why the double standard? Making those sort of comments just perpetuates racism. I think I’m lucky that I didn’t share that same opinion as my parents. Is lucky the word I’m looking to use here? I’m not sure. Like I hope I don’t hold biases towards BIPOC people. I don’t think we should be treating people different from us any different (directly) nor should we systemically (including through healthcare) treat them less than or differently.
Parent’s beliefs are so BS. Even with stringency around ethnicity – seeing kids getting scrutinized for not dating or marrying a partner that is of the same ethnicity as them is so archaic. The heart break of disowning your child because they’re dating someone who is not of your ethnicity is so garbage. They were treated like they were gay… and for what? Turning their siblings against them? Why?
Even with my parents – being of differing ethnicities is chaotic because of historical conflicts. There’s also irony because my Polish father also had a Ukrainian grandmother but sided with the more dominant ethnic background – Polish. While my Ukrainian mom’s family was deported at gun point by the Soviet Polish army and experienced xenophobia. It’s paradoxical. My mom always said it’s difficult being in a relationship where there are differences because they will come up during arguments. If you truly love that person, those differences shouldn’t be an issue. For me, I’ve never used my partner’s ancestry or any sort of difference against her during an argument. That shouldn’t be weaponized. You accept them fully as they are.
Did I use an age difference against a past partner? I did at the end of the relationship realizing that maybe age was an obstacle. It could have also been their rigidness. This person did also get frustrated with my opinions around my experience and thought I tried to use it against her? I don’t think it was ego but rather experience from life and knowledge? I can’t remember the exact examples now. I don’t think what I said was anything non-factual.
One thing I think I sometimes struggle with is being factual when my partner is looking to me to be supportive. This might have been something that came up in that 2nd relationship and my relationship with AL.
I know friends who have struggled with intelligence level differences. Though you can also connect on other levels when intelligence levels vary.
From a financial difference standpoint – I think you need to be very strong in that decision and agreement of making it work. Remove any sort of egos. I feel like creating pre-nups removes that trust. I know some might feel they need to protect themselves but if you’re truly in love with a person who you know you can make this work… a pre-nup would be kind of a slap in the face. But that’s just my opinion. Money wasn’t an issue with AL and I. I trusted her. I still trust her. I hope she trusts me. Her making less than me was never an issue for me. I always saw it as a partnership. I always tried to coach her that we’re in different stages of our careers but it doesn’t matter. If need be, I’ll take on more of the costs if need be to make it more equitable. There was a point where she was paying less for rent than I was… and I was ok with that because I wanted her here by my side. I also wanted to make sure she had enough money she could save up. Seeing her grow in her roles over the last 6 years has been amazing to see. I know she’s a very talented, intelligent person who can excel at anything she does. What bothers me is that organizations will limit her because of her unfinished degree. A degree doesn’t truly state if a person is capable of excelling in their career.
Without her, I don’t think I’d be where I am. Being that support person who had my back during interviews and cheered me on. My financial and professional success is also intertwined with her support. She gets that credit in being there along the way.
I’ve had friends marry differing family financial backgrounds and this didn’t seem to be an issue. Does this impact their relationship? I don’t think so? Maybe their other differences in opinions on parenting?
With respect to food and health lifestyles – this might get tricky – unless both people know how to cook for each other. I’m sure there are partners out there that are vegetarian or vegan while others are not and still make it work. There are couples with differing body sizes and activity level that make it work as well.
I’m sure there are more differences you can touch on but I’ll just leave it at that here.
Growing up, I was the only kid amongst my family. My mom was the first to arrive in Canada between her siblings (after her uncle and his family). She had a bit of a support system with her two brothers and her cousins (my aunts and uncles as we would put it in Ukrainian culture).
My first cousins in Canada didn’t show up ’till much later (when I was 9). I did have second cousins which we did hang out with, but it was more my first cousins that I typically spent more time with or rather with their parents.
My mom was always close with her brothers. One uncle was my fave uncle, the other would parent me. Kind of a bad cop/good cop situation. The good cop uncle was like a friend. When they got married to their respective wives, dynamics did shift. I think my aunts in some form did parent me as well but also schooled me on mistakes I made. One was more strict while the other was more chill. It’s funny. Kind of like a yin yang situation with personalities. I don’t dislike any of them. They’re really amazing people and have taught me a lot. Though sometimes I do have some PTSD with the name Natalka! lol.
On Sundays, when my mom was working, they would take me to church and I’d spend time with them. I remember always grabbing some napoleon ice cream at my godfather’s house or having chocolate chip cookies from president’s choice – “The Decadent”. Those cookies always hit a certain way.
You can say that it takes a village to raise a kid and this was kind of that village with aunts and uncles and cousins – especially when you didn’t have siblings.
Having my cousins show up after 97, was an awesome time. I did bond with my first cousin when she was a baby. With my second cousin – same, but maybe not as much as my first cousin. I think this is kind of like that situation where parents have kids and all that focus is on the first kid with photos – you have a full ass album of the first kid and then half an album of the second kid, lol. IDK. It could be that there was an age gap. With the third and forth cousins, the relationship was less stronger. At one point I kinda just wanted to got to family functions less because they became intense and a lot of work with my social battery.
Thinking about how my mom and her sibling’s relationships started to change… I can understand that she has a sense of duty for her siblings but voicing her opinion can put a toll on her siblings and their spouses. Repeating it won’t change the situation but it might at the same time push the person away further. Saying person A is making this person B not pick up the phone or person A is controlling person B… they are their own person. They have their own thoughts and decisions. How they have set up their life – that is their business. It shouldn’t be something you should control. Yes, your sibling has underlying health conditions but he is his own person and can make his decisions. We don’t know what the circumstances are behind closed doors. We don’t know why someone is not working or why they are a stay at home parent. We only see the surface of this relationship.
Why they might not pick up the phone… does not mean that one person is controlling the situation. I get exhausted with constant phone rings. There was a moment where a teacher said – you know you don’t actually have to pick up the phone, right? It’s a Pavlovian dog situation where you’ve been trained to instantly pick up the phone. We might be doing something, we might be tired and just can’t talk on the phone. Being forced to speak on the phone with a family relative when you’re not feeling it is exhausting.
What my father did as an alcoholic and bitched about family members – was super shitty. Saying garbage about aunts and this garbage making its way across the Atlantic and back… Just shows how toxic this can be within a family and make them feel uncomfortable with talking to you.
I think there’s also a lot of misunderstandings on communication styles – some prefer calls and frequently. Others not so much. This would be a good convo to have if you’re not a person who likes to spend hours on the phone. I’m at a point where I can’t stand being on the phone.
Other misunderstandings within the family sucks… where an aunt just stopped communicating with some family members. You have cousins who had no idea the other existed until they sat at the same table at a wedding. It kind of sucks being in this schism family of sorts. Some talk, some don’t and it doesn’t make sense.
Family getting heavily involved and invested in aunts and uncles lives is not cool. Why someone broke up with their partner and trying to salvage it or change it can make things more difficult for that person. They have their reasons for that break down in the relationship; they don’t owe you why or needing to save it. Having family also forcing ideas on where to live or what they should be doing for a living – that isn’t something you should impose your thoughts on. They made a plan, a decision with their partner. Constantly knocking them for it or pressuring them to change it is so exhausting for everyone. They are their own person with their own life. Constantly imposing your opinions on them will only push them away. You can ask questions to better understand the situation – sure. Seek to understand. If it’s a parent-child situation – see if there could be some sort of compromise in that relationship.
As an adult, whenever I started to see my mom push her thoughts on a family relative, I had to kind of pull her back and ask, is this something they’re ok with? They might have a different parenting style.
If family relatives thought another person was gay because of a break up, makes me wonder what other family members have said about me in gossiping circles lol. Meh.
There was a moment where I decided to switch vehicles (hindsight it was probably for the best to not go through with it but the issues with the current vehicle were frustrating). Going through this process and mentioning it to my mom and uncle resulted in a bit of a blow out. My uncle called me and kept talking and lecturing me – a 31 year old. What did I do? I put my phone down and walked away as he talked to himself. I was frustrated with this whole situation. I couldn’t make my own decisions, I had to be parented at 31. This put a strain on the relationship. Going to the dealership to get an oil change was not a good idea, doing this was a bad idea. Doing that was a bad idea. Ok, so what am I supposed to do? Do this and that, jump when you say jump? I’ve had good experiences at the first dealership. The second dealership? Not great. But that was a lesson.
Being lectured to go to family functions was also kinda shitty. I wasn’t understood when I said I was tired or not feeling great. Getting the whole – you have nothing to be tired with. But also not understanding the constant control aspect of what you should and shouldn’t do.
Yes, what grandma said was listened to and was golden. But you were children and grandma was mom. You’re all adults now, us kids are adults as well and are our own people with differing functioning ways. These differences need to be understood rather than imposing our own ideas on others and expecting people to do what you say or how a household should operate.
We’re all a family – yes – to some extent tight-nit but also have so many differences. Some of us like cycling, some us like tinkering and playing with cars, some of us like medicine, some of us are huge on rock climbing or water sports, some of us like engineering, some of us like music, some of us like soccer, some us like volleyball, some of us like tennis, some of us like running, some of us like farming, some of us like gardening, some of us like art, some of us like photography, some of us like Ukrainian dancing, some of us like hiking, some of us like cooking/baking, some of us like working with our hands, etc. And we might feed off of each other on those hobbies or reach out to one another for advice. But telling each other what to do or not to do just makes things so tiring. Why can’t we just celebrate each other and the strengths we have, not judge people’s decisions.
And stop with the gossiping – have a conversation. Ask questions… in a respectful manner.
Reflecting on life in Ontario – it involved a lot of time up north of Toronto. It’s funny because you say north, but in reality it’s not THAT north. You might be around Barrie which is still below the 49 parallel or Parry Sound and that’s still south of Sudbury. Even getting to Sudbury you haven’t really made it to Northern Ontario. There are parts of Canadian provinces that are much more north. Even Edmonton is much north than these places. But there’s still some different environment when you’re north of Barrie.
That’s the funny thing about Ontario – it’s huge. It takes days to drive through. You have signs reminding you you’re still in Ontario. Whereas driving through AB, SK, MB, you can drive through within a day or less.
Even the most southern point of Ontario is the same height (or parallel) as California.
You’ve got such a diverse ecosystem and climate within one province. Weather systems change in Woodstock. Snow and Lake Effect patterns vary so much from region to region.
I was brought up going to the cottage (not ours unfortunately; but one we rented out). The cottage had a really amazing beach. You grow up on this water, chilling and roasting on a beach lol. Did I once say I’m married to Cawaja Beach? Yeah. lol.
Camping within Ontario was the less expensive way of having a vacation. The provincial park system is well organized with great facilities – washrooms and electrical campsite options. And the car camping sites always felt like you got enough privacy like you’re out there on your own. There’s also the option of camping on Crown Land which is available to people who are able to rough it out in the bush without an actual washroom (not my cup of tea). The cool thing is the provincial parks also have options for yurts and cabins if you’re not up for sleeping in a tent.
Growing up – we just car camped. Sat around a camp fire, roasted sausages, hung out by the lake at the provincial park. Usually it was around the Parry Sound vicinity – Oastler Park, Killbear, Six Mile Lake. I remember hearing them exploding the Canadian Shield to twin the highway. Sometimes you heard the train passing by. These were the parks we kinda stayed in while I was a kid.
Later on in high school we explored a bit more and saw Awenda, Sauble Falls, Pinery, Earl Rowe. Some just didn’t hit as much. Some camping places were privately owned which were ok.
The thing is we never really did actual hiking or rarely. I think the only time I remember hiking was at Killbear and Awenda. But there’s so much to see in these parks than just stay in your camping spot.
The summer before university, we ended up going to Killarney and that place really hit for me. Walking through a hiking trail with my cousin, uncle and dog really sparked the explore bug in me. Being in the environment, you really fall in love with it, wonder about its history and feel so small in the La Cloche Mountains.
I remember a day where my mom and I wanted to go camping but wanted to try another provincial park. Looking through the provincial park brochure, you see these insanely beautiful places – many booked up like Bon Echo; some very far like Sleeping Giant.
We thought about Restoule, but ended up on Grundy Lake. It was quite a beautiful surprise. This was probably the first time my mom and I went on a true hike at a provincial park. We went back to Killarney in the fall and I took her on some more moderate, harder hiking trails like climbing “The Crack”… which was maybe not a great idea but she did great and we both made it back alive.
Heading to Alberta for a wedding, I thought – Hey! Let’s turn this into a camping trip around Alberta – hit some campgrounds around the province. I planned a circle drive around Alberta; booked campgrounds ahead of time and realized we might need to camp inside of a car like a minivan. This was the end of August where temperatures in the GTA were 28C while Alberta were around 10C or colder. It was a nice way to cool off.
We started in Edmonton; rented a minivan, drove down to Dinosaur Provincial Park. I’ve always wanted to see the badlands. We hiked in the badlands and learnt very quickly that the ground is slicker than ice and looks like popcorn. We were surprised to see cactii and Texas Gates. It was kinda cold there at night but it was a beautiful scenery to wake up to. The fact that you can find dinosaur fossils here is wild.
We ended up then driving through Calgary towards Banff and Jasper. We stayed at Johnston Canyon and Wapiti and drove up and down the Trans Canada highway and Highway 93. I’m not sure what we expected from the drive and camping. My mom thought the roads would be narrow, winding and dangerous but this wasn’t the case. You’re in a valley with good/safe roads. Mornings were cold with lows of 2C. We didn’t really prepare well for this camping trip. We were these naive Ontarians used to warm camping. Sleeping in the back of a minivan was not bad – our friends lent a mattress to use. We climbed Tunnel Mountain (a favourite to this day) and hiked Johnston Canyon. We had a day where we explored a bunch of the teal lakes – Bow Lake, Peyto Lake, Moraine Lake, Lake Louise. We went to the toe of a Glacier and it felt like it just rained there.
We stopped by the coffee roaster I had purchased from in the past online – I brought coffee equipment with me (but don’t recommend the collapsible pour over cup, that had a funky smell to it).
Some hiking trails were unfortunately closed off for the season. There were fire bans in some parts of the national parks which sucked but is understandable. Seeing what a wildfire can do is eyeopening – I think back to the Excelsior Wildfire and how it had spread underneath the soil. You really don’t understand the true capability of a wildfire when you can’t see it below the surface. I think there might be a metaphor here for seeing below the surface of an issue. Things may look fine on the surface but beneath the surface a lot more can be going on.
Seeing the fire hazy skies was a different view I’ve had in comparison to Toronto where it’s typically smog. Seeing these hazy yellow skies come to Toronto years later was concerning when other parts of the country had more wildfires – Quebec and Nova Scotia.
Driving within Alberta felt more calming compared to Ontario. Part of it is the population difference but also the less aggressive driving. Did you see tourist drive stupidly? Yes. Saw a car scrape the bottom of their undercarriage against a curb.
Animal interaction is significantly different between Ontario and Alberta. I don’t think I’ve seen people approach wildlife while camping – but I haven’t seen everything so I’m sure there are situations where people do put themselves at risk. Despite the educational pamphlets in Banff/Jasper about elk… you still see many tourists approach wild animals which was angering. We’ve encroached into their space, we need to respect these animals – let them be wild and maintain that distance from them. Putting yourself, your children is not the wisest thing to do.
Have I made the mistake of leaving food at a campsite in Ontario? Yes. And a hungry raccoon did have a feast with my cereal. I did learn from this moment. You’re told to leave your food in vehicles or string them up high on a tree. Depending where you are, you may need a hard-sided sleeping quarters like an RV because a tent may still put you at risk with a bear.
While hiking in Ontario, I’ve learnt you need to be continuously making noise to not surprise a bear…as this can result in a difficult interaction. I’ve had friends bring bells with them. I’ve typically spoke loudly or brought a bluetooth speaker to make bears aware that we are nearby. Within Banff/Jasper, you will encounter a grizzly bear which is a different story and you will require bear spray. Attacks are rare but they still do occur. Some parks have been known to shut down to allow for bears to …just exist… in that space.
It’s funny though – as a kid – I was still scared that the bears would get to me in the middle of the night in a tent, so I’d sleep between my parents so that they wouldn’t get me…. kid Natalie logic.
Camping with my dog was such a fun time. Having him cuddle up in the middle of the night in the sleeping bag… it was his only time he was allowed to sleep on a bed. He was such a happy little dude.
Having a canoe while camping is a must in Ontario – rentals are a good option.
There are still many provincial parks and national parks I’d like to explore. Will have to plan that for another time.
I’ve reflected on how much my parents influenced my driving with theirs and how they speak behind the wheel. My dad would drive impaired when he’d have a couple of beers. I’ve noticed it while on the highway the car would swerve a certain way. Got kind of uncomfortable. He would also have a drinking space in Etobicoke where his friends used to have a business and I’d sometimes cycle on a bike nearby. He was the primary driver until he went down to Florida for work. That’s when my mom ended up being the driver.
My mom drove primarily on roads – highways scared the crap out of her. She only started driving on highways when she had to pick me up from camp in London. Her driving wasn’t terrible. It did feel a bit jerky and maybe more jerky over the years. She did get frustrated with drivers on the road and make comments – like how is this person driving, or why aren’t they using their blinkers or how an older couple would go for a drive down Bloor Street West on a date and drove super slow. She really didn’t get into at faults accidents – they were mostly someone hitting her. I think she only recently got more spatially impacted in very narrow areas.
Reason I bring up my parents – I think there’s some psychology around how you also internalize comments they make. Like – oh this driver is trying to “show you” …that you’re a female and that’s why they’re being an asshole on the road towards you. I think some of these comments do stick around sometimes.
As Pedestrians
I don’t think I thought too much about drivers as a kid. Though, I’ve apparently made comments about drivers in Olsztyn, Poland almost driving us off the crosswalk… but I was 6. Barely remember this. I think I became more rigid as a pedestrian when I was a pedestrian in university and walking from Union Station to RyeHigh. Downtown motorists nearly running you over as you walk through an intersection and you scold them with a death stare LOL. Or when they’re turning right and cut you off as a pedestrian. Kind of annoying. You learn to adjust your crossing through crosswalk when the countdown is at 6… or 10, depending on how big the intersection is. If it’s less than 6 or 10 seconds… the risk of crossing and making it across in a timely manner is reduced. Looking at some of the crosswalks – they all have varying timers on them. They’re not consistent in the city. (RANDOM THOUGHT – I remember waking up in the middle of the night in my High Park apartment with those big ass floor to ceiling windows and seeing a crosswalk in the distance… always counted how long that light was green for LOL… am I autistic or what?).
Ukraine was a terrifying place to walk as a pedestrian. I’ve joked with my friend that you need confidence to cross as a pedestrian otherwise drivers won’t let you cross. I’ve had some BMW driver in Kyiv not let me cross (despite having a crosswalk light; I can’t remember the exact intersection now). Lviv – also not comfortable but the streets are a bit more narrower. Feels like you’ve got different variables between the two cities. Ukraine also has a high pedestrian fatality – like it’s HUGE. Remember seeing a stat sometime around 2014-2015. I’d have to dig a little more on the stats and how they’ve changed over the last 10 years. I can attest to the driving. Having a Lviv “Uber” trying to get us to the airport and driving 100km/h in a 50km/h, passing through a zebra crossing was terrifying. Cramming 7 people into a car with 5 seats was not the brightest idea. You can see the aggressive driving in other parts like the Carpathians where people think they can speed through not realizing the pot holes will ruin their car.
Walking in Ireland – I felt pretty safe as a pedestrian. I don’t think there was anything outstanding in comparison to Toronto, Vancouver or Calgary.
Portugal was a bit terrifying with the narrow roads and tiled roads/sidewalks – those got slick when it rained – I think it depended where. The older parts of the city were scary and you could see that pedestrians were surprised that I gave them the right of way to cross. It’s very car first.
New York felt like Toronto. Pedestrians would cross at red lights if no vehicles were present. Nothing too outstanding in my opinion. It was very walkable. You could take the subway anywhere and walk. Using Google Maps was so easy to navigate through the city to the point where I was giving other tourists directions.
Plano – the odd set up of sidewalks made this awkward to cross. Some sidewalks just ended. I didn’t have the chance to walk too much in Plano but the small area I did, it didn’t quite make sense to me. The heat made it harder to walk around and you ended up sweating buckets LOL.
Tulsa – It’s walkable but you don’t see people walking. If you need to get to far distances, you need a car. Getting from the hotel to the office, needed a car. Walking there made no sense; it would’ve taken 30-45mins to get there. There wouldn’t have been much to see in the area.
Mississauga – it’s got sidewalks but is it a pleasant walk? Not overly. Depending on the neighbourhood. Did I walk to school? No. It was too suburbish and boring. You could have a stroll through Clarkson, Port Credit, Streetsville, but they’re kind of like BIAs like Bloor West Village or the Danforth where there are shops you can see. Mississauga’s Downtown isn’t really a downtown in a traditional sense. It’s a bunch of condos, city hall and a mall. Others would argue that’s not downtown but rather Applewood would be downtown. I don’t think so. I’d equate where city hall is present is where “downtown” is. It’s a very car centric city and with the new transit system being rolled out – it wouldn’t make it any more walkable like NYC.
Montreal felt like there were moments where it was faster to walk rather than take the subway. I’ve always tried to find a parking garage, hunker down there and walk to places. It didn’t feel unsafe as a pedestrian in Old Montreal, Little Burgundy, dt Montreal. Laval is not a walkable city – you need a car in this city. I didn’t take the subway much in these two cities since I primarily stayed in Old Montreal and the vicinity. Just took it once for the heck of it.
As a Cyclist
As a kid, I was a chill cyclist. Something switched when I was a teenager. I don’t know if it was trauma or what. Cycling was my outlet to get out this anger. I cycled in very industrial areas of Clarkson, pedalled super aggressively at times and got angry at truck drivers for cutting me off. I was lucky I had respectful drivers in Oakville respecting distance between them and I. I typically felt safe in Oakville on the road with exception to two situations where a Mercedes tried parallel parking into me in dt Oakville (front first) and teenagers yelling something at me while I cycled and nearly got me to crash from being startled. It was funny because I was cycling on this heavy mountain bike. So much energy output to get speed. I had made this goal of doing 20km – Oakville harbour and back in about an hour. Other times I’d push myself further – created these mini goals. Cycling to Port Credit was a shorter distance but also enjoyable. Had some instances where drivers here did not respect the distance between them and I and this resulted in conflict. Having the hills between these neighbourhoods was an interesting added factor where you gotta work harder. I did manage to cycle all the way to Cherry Beach and back… first time I didn’t plan well and was starving haha. So about 72km round trip. Did this a couple of times. It was a nice goal that I achieved. I ended up getting a road bike and kind of messed it off right off the batt when I installed the front wheel wrong (you can pop it off for storage). The wheel didn’t get on properly and resulted in it grinding against the carbon fibre… which made me a tad nervous about using in the future in case it failed. It’s a nice Felt lightweight bike. I did crash it cycling on the Martin Goodman Trail when I didn’t check my blindspots trying to get off the trail and crashed into another cyclist. Switching environments where I was a single cyclist in Oakville and not worrying about others passing you while listening to music to a multiuse trail and you need to look out for everyone around you, have your head on a swivel. In recent years, it has felt comfortable cycling in Toronto. I don’t think I felt like I was at risk of someone hitting me. I know my mom had two scenarios where someone turning right didn’t check their blindspot and she ended up on the car’s front hood. There are some blindspots in the bike lanes that are terrifying. I will say when I was dysregulated cycling through Queen Street West – I did not care about my safety at that moment and that was a different story; there were moments where I could have died. Using other recreational trails in Toronto are fun though I remember seeing an incident where cyclists collided and they needed to bring in an ambulance down to the Humber Trail…. that was a bit scary because you do have blindspots and if people do rip through there, the injuries can be serious. Relief from hot days and fuel is super critical, otherwise accidents can happen on bikes. Depending where you’re located you need to plan how to get back home if you can’t cycle back or to the nearest hospital. We ended up taking the GO Train and I did some cycling to get my car to pick up my partner from the train station. Had this happened on our way to Niagara, we would need to do some quick thinking on how to get help. Bike maintenance – this is something others also need to consider and what to do in the event of a flat tire.
As a Driver
My driving wasn’t always so pedantic and aggressive. I don’t know how it really started. I was chill at first. I’d let people do a lane change that took longer than usual. I’m not sure if it was because there were less drivers?
I went through driving school and had my uncle teach me how to parallel park. I had another separate driving lesson before my full drivers license because I delayed my graduated driver’s license.
Something clicked while waiting at lights at intersections. At some point I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the light to turn green and had to immediately go. I’m not sure why that was. If it was fear of someone honking at me?
Driving to Guelph and KW, it felt like I had kind of a freedom in a sense? I’m not sure why it was. Felt different. I’m not sure if I was less lax with my driving?
Getting my own car and driving at work. I can’t remember too much about how my driving changed around this time. I remember driving to Buffalo with family and my driving was pretty aggressive – my aunt was concerned about being too close to the car in front of me. I remember refusing to take 407 to avoid added costs on travel but eventually taking it because the 401 was so frustrating to take. The wild thing is that driving on the 407, you hit 120km/h and people are still going faster than 140km/h. (I was taught that if the speed is 100km/h, you don’t exceed 120km/h; if it’s less than 90km/h, you don’t go faster than 10km/h over… over the years that 120km/h has pushed towards 130km/h and 140km/h by others… I’ve tried not to exceed 120km/h).
I think there was also some influence from managers during drives with them making comments about other drivers.
I did learn that my car couldn’t handle snow whatsoever. It was light and all season tires did nothing. The Kia Soul needed winter tires no matter what. When it has winter tires… it does pretty well. When you have them on too long closer to May and the road does get warm, trying to brake with them is very hard. There was a moment on the 401 where cars came to a halt in the middle lane and I couldn’t make it in time with braking and had to change lanes to the left lane (luckily it was empty because it was closed off behind). Moral of the story – make sure you don’t keep your winter tires on longer than necessary – they won’t have the ability to stop in time.
There were moments on the 401 where if you kept moving (without the need to brake) you could get your fuel economy down to 6.5L/100km (which was impressive).
Driving on the 427 with the white concrete road in rainy conditions made it super hard to see the lanes. Luckily they have since changed this. Another issue that I wish they could correct is making sure that lanes are reflective. They’re very hard to see in the dark and rainy conditions.
There was an individual that started playing chicken with me on the road attempting to hit my vehicle – a white dodge minivan. Following this incident, I put up a dash cam.
I adjusted my driving since there was a moment where everything was tiring with the stop and go traffic. I kind of turned it into a game of try not to brake with the stop and go traffic. I had 8am projects downtown, so I’d maintain a distance from the car in front of me and gauge how much gas to add.
I think back to a time I drove back from Killarney with my best friend – we were tired and got to the outskirts of Barrie. Drivers would drive in the stop and go traffic and drive very close to the car in front of them. My tired brain couldn’t comprehend why and I remember commenting about this out loud and saying there’s no way I’m going to drive so close. But in that moment it felt like I had to mimic them or that it was the expected thing to do because everyone drove like this… but being that tired… made no sense because my reaction time was waaaaay off.
I remember there were moments where I’d get pissed off at drivers for driving stupidly – I had my uncle say to chill, there’s no point in getting pissed at others on the road.
I remember at one point I yelled at someone for not having their lights on in the dark. Like it was rigidity around that. How are people going to see you?
Driving in zombie mode and having that game of trying to not use my brakes was kind of what worked for me in that time.
When I switched cars to the Terrain – again not sure exactly what changed.
There were moments where I’d be rigid and compliant but when I see someone breaking the law or acting stupid, I’d get pissed off.
Seeing people speed on my street pissed me off a lot. Getting honked for braking because a child jumped onto the street was a massive piss off… how dare I brake for a child or go the speed limit of 30km/h. I should be speeding in a school neighbourhood. I drove through a street with a speed limit of 40km/h and a pedestrian proceeded to cross immediately. I barely was able to stop – I could have hit him. You have less reaction time the faster you go and the injury can be much more significant when going faster. The ironic thing is that I did drive faster on this street before I moved here, but this was when I was dysregulated.
Being in 2018 Alberta – I never felt so relaxed driving. I think it’s because everyone was so compliant with not speeding. It was the most relaxed driving I’ve ever had. I really enjoyed driving there. In recent years, it has felt a bit more aggressive unfortunately.
I get stupidly annoyed when people would use the right lane to pass on roads like Bloor Street when vehicles are not turning. They force themselves into your lane because of parked cars… and get mad at you for not allowing them to merge into you when really their lane is ending.
I’ll just end this here cause I can’t quite think further of how messed up driving has been for me. I’ll just end with – when things got shitty, I’d come home and say I’m done with driving today.
Whoever is reading this. Whatever this all is. This post shouldn’t really be read by anyone, right?!?!
Apparently everyone has some sort of outside joke and I’m in some weird ass place.
I get dysregulated and I become a shitty person that needs to be left. But if my partner gets dysregulated… it’s ok. A door can be punched. A phone can be thrown. The cat can be slapped. That’s fine, right?
It feels like a double standard and I can’t say anything. IDK – EC, you talk to her. Apparently. So go for it. Have that convo because I have no idea what the fuck this is all about and I’m just being gaslit everywhere.
Funny – I can’t even mention a story without being fucking scolded. So I’m supposed to hold things back then? I understand shits scary. But fucking come on. I can have dysregulations. She’s had dysregulations. Mental health isn’t linear where you’re constantly progressing. There are days where shit is terrible.
Like even in therapy it feels like something is off or weird. Even with friends it feels something is forced and not true or genuine. Like I fucking can’t. It feels like everyone is beating around a bush and I have no idea what the fuck it is.
Even with the landlord – dealing with BS.
Dealing with WSIB and Service Canada and TD. Moving money in the TD app and making a mistake and being charged 100$. COME ON?!!!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? What a fucking scam.
You’re telling me to be optimistic but WHY THE FUCK IS THE WORLD WORKING AGAINST ME?!
Thinking back to COVID – I think everyone had some whirl wind story around it – it felt like some weird ass foggy dream, no? I know some have said COVID had impacted a lot of people’s mental health.
I didn’t really think about it at the moment – but I can admit it did impact me.
Coming from a science background – having exposure to public health topics like biostats, epidemiology, infection control and communicable diseases – you had profs emphasize that every 100 years there was always one big flu that wipes out a huge portion of the population. Statistically, this is something that comes up, is based on how diseases mutate and jump from communicability between animals to humans and from humans to humans. T.Sly spoke often talked about the avian flu – the right still is there and can be more deadlier than COVID which worries me about how people will truly take its seriousness.
Profs also talked about how important it was to have proper communication about the facts around public health topics so that you don’t lose that trust from the public. What I don’t think we ever considered (or even predicted at the time) was disinformation from others and how social media could swing views so drastically. After all, when we entered university, Facebook was just starting off. People were just concerned about posting pictures from their university parties. It turned into some weird beast afterwards with algorithms and creating polarized views. You couldn’t even argue with dumb thoughts because half the time they were bots.
I’m not an epidemiologist but I understand how important public health is. They are not there to protect the government but rather protect the people – through potable water, food, STIs, exposures to communicable diseases (restaurants, healthcare, long-term care facilities, tattoo parlours, flu clinics, etc.), health in general (educating the public about various topics like dental, smoking; we had public health dentists visit our elementary school). When we remove resources from public health we are removing guardrails to protect the public. These are not people out there to control you but protect you with education and prevention… like the Ministry of Labour.
Seeing the disinformation online – on Facebook. It was bothersome. Having family members repost content that was very incorrect was so harmful and disturbing. People ended up being armchair epidemiologists and thought it was just a hoax or communism or whatever bots spewed out there. I had family members block me on Facebook because I spoke facts about other family members getting COVID and their grandfather passed away. It was fucked up. People ended up dying but people were so stubborn in believing this garbage. The ironic thing was this individual ended up on a ventilator and luckily they came out alive after 3 months. Having my MIL’s partner on a ventilator was also a messed up situation.
All the while, meeting every week with our HSE team at work to document and track COVID cases in the workplace and trying to mitigate along with various provinces and states COVID protocols (some were stringent while others not at all).
Some may argue that it targeted only the older population – but you saw cases of young individuals who did pass away. You had people losing their parents way too young.
It did trigger rigidness in me. I think this is where the ASD really showed it’s ugly head. I did wash my hands more frequently. I disinfected my phone and keys after coming back from walks or the store. I refused to touch the elevator buttons (and still do). I’d use my key to press the buttons. I remember walking to the park and losing my mind as cyclists would pass by on bikes worried this would result in some sort of exposure. Maintaining physical distance became like a ritual. When people approached too close you got super uncomfortable. When people coughed, you got nervous (and the funny thing is during SARS we joked that if you wanted the subway all to yourself, you just cough). Fun fact: the school of occupational and public health intrigued me because of the experience with SARS… but I didn’t want to do public health lol.
The ironic thing is when it all started I don’t think I took it initially seriously. I also questioned how effective masks were due to their filtration (surgical vs N95). I think when things get super serious and we know how critical this communicable disease is, anything will help… even surgical masks. I remember conducting a project at a psychiatric hospital and seeing employees getting training on hooded SCBAs and realizing this is serious… how will we actually be able to protect ourselves. This is where public health information (regional, country, global, etc.) is so critical in informing us. It determines on how we can protect people and how much strain we put on the healthcare system.
I can’t imagine what it would have been like a healthcare professional during that time. Seeing some share their experiences – being tired and having mask indentations on their faces, I can sympathize with them. My mom’s healthcare colleagues shared their difficulties navigating through this time. One individual ended up leaving because it was too difficult. I remember reading news stories about healthcare professionals commuting suicide (this was also the case of one of my mom’s colleagues/friends). I can’t imagine what they went through – if they had to isolate from their families to ensure they would not infect them or seeing patients dying in front of their eyes so frequently and you can’t do anything about it. Some could have been desensitized and made comments about people not making it. Do we know how their mental health is now? Have they processed all of this? Listening to some of the stories my mom has as a nurse – I think these moments stick with you a lifetime. I remember her telling me some while we were camping years ago and it sounded like she needed to get it out of her system. She’s admitted that she’s overprotective due to the things she’s seen in healthcare. She did have a fear of bringing home some sort of communicable disease… even with SARS.
My rigidity also extended to travelling abroad. People talked about wanting to go places and they did and I got angry with them, without actually telling them… like my best friend. I think I had to process it without saying something I’d regret later. I guess I am my mother’s daughter… in a different sense.
Getting the vaccine was a difficult thing to do – despite my mom being a nurse, she still has some reservations around vaccines (including the flu shot; historically it has always made her feel unwell). I’m not sure if she read disinformation on the vaccine. Reading abstracts on studies about some vaccines attributing to myocarditis and pericarditis)… I wasn’t sure what the risks were for females.
Re-entering large crowds got very odd when things levelled out. I never realized how much difficulty I had with that. I felt very uncomfortable. Going to the exhibition was… a lot. Trying to get onto a train when they weren’t arriving was a lot as well. I did get emotionally dysregulated; one might find IG stories in archives on this.
Above all – I feel really sad about how we treated our healthcare workers and public health leadership.
What the “freedom convoyers” did to Ottawa… blasting truck airhorns for long periods of time and causing sleep deprivation. 90dB inside homes is unacceptable. For someone to be able to sleep they need about 30dB(A) or less. This is a basic necessity for people to get proper sleep. This continued for 3 weeks. I can’t imagine how they did get proper sleep. Did it cause psychosis? I’m surprised no one went out there and drove a car at the “freedom convoyers”. I feel like this would cause anyone that sleep deprived to lose their sanity. Wearing a mask was never about taking away rights. Getting a vaccine also is not taking away your rights. This is not the equivalence to communism. This is basic science. Facts. Communism, Stalinism is something different that I don’t hope anyone has to ever endure. No one is sending the KGB after you for speaking poorly about Trudeau. I’ve had family friends lose their grandfather because he talked Lenin for not having food. The KGB came in the middle of the night and took him away and he was never seen again. My cousin’s grandmother’s family was packed into a train and sent to a labour camp to Siberia. Her grandmother died along the way and they had to throw her off the train car… having a dead body in the train car for 2 weeks would have caused some sort of disease. That is communism. My great uncle was sent to a labour camp and was there for 25 years. He fought against Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia and Poland. He fought for a free Ukraine; for people to speak Ukrainian, for Ukrainians to exist despite hundreds of years of genocide and repression.
Imagine being a restaurant stating that you will not follow public health protocols because it is communism and damaging to your rights. If you are a patron of the restaurant, would you feel comfortable about eating there where they refuse to refrigerate food or notifying people about someone handling food with a cut has Hep B? As a restaurant owner – would you feel comfortable about making people sick? Where do your rights end with other people’s rights to health?
Was it a messed up time? Yes. Was the mess worth it? No. People who died could be alive today if we were more stringent.
Did it affect my partner and I? It did. It hit my partner more than myself. But it was still not a fun time.
The crappy thing is – I always said when this is all over and done with, our first vacation would be Iceland. Except it wasn’t. Still need to add that to our plans when things level out.
Moving between three organizations during this time was interesting as well. Having cautious projects in the first org, then the second org had a more structured process in mitigating risk and having full on shut downs (while some states ignored them) and moving into a third org when things easing off. I still ended up travelling to California with an N95 mask on a plane. It was tiring and did ended up causing an itchy throat because of whatever particulate was in the mask.
Did I get sick afterwards? Yes. And it kind of felt like COVID, but I’m not sure. Not sure how much it has levelled off now. But I think we need to process it and understand how it did impact us.
Unfortunately, there is proof that the Kremlin did have a hand in much of the disinformation around these topics and the freedom convoy… to some extent.
I just wish the science is understood and if questions come about… further discuss the possibilities around it. What do we know and what we don’t know and why we are make a decision based on the current information in place.
It’s kind of annoying that you bring up an issue and the landlord does not seem to care for the state of the building. I don’t think we’ve seen this individual at the building once; has this individual seen the things their employees have to endure when moving garbage? I’d like to see this individual step into the shoes of their employees. The previous individual would dress up in a Tyvek suit because of roaches in the garbage room (which is likely the source). Does their employer care?
Speaking with a tenant who has lived here for 30 years, she’s stated that it’s never been so bad until about the last 5 years… and the super didn’t really do anything about it. It made me wonder if they just didn’t have the resources to fix these issues and left the super hanging, resulting in them dodging tenants.
The past super also had the ability to do basic maintenance – which the previous super didn’t have the experience – i.e., having the hot water tank restarted when it crapped out. These things should be basic training for the super.
Getting an email about a contractor coming to the unit didn’t even give any information on how to prepare for the work being performed. It just asked for confirmation. I could have left the bathroom as is and wasted the contractors time clearing the space so that he could do the work. I had no idea if he’s doing work to the tub? or the sink vanity? or the ceiling? or putting in a towel rack holder. How do I accommodate myself if I don’t know what is going on? Having silence from the landlord is telling of where this individual stands on providing a reasonable liveable space in Toronto. Zero care.
Update on door handle? Silence. So in the event of a fire or we get locked out, we will have to call the fire department? We have to pay for this apparently too? There was no acknowledgement on these items or comment.
It’s exhausting when you have other things you need to deal with.
Reflecting on one of my orgs where I was one of three women in a male dominated workplace. You look at how leaders tease employees about things they do, why they might be single or living in their parents home, having expectations that they should have their own place all the while they had a step up with owning a home and purchasing another property for profit.
The weird dude mentality of getting this individual to date all the while swiping with him on tinder. It’s a bit weird when you see male leaders oogling women on tinder as married men. I mean, then there’s also the half naked women’s calendar.
Did I tease this individual for throwing out a sample? I don’t know if it was teasing but more so trying to understand in disbelief that a sample was thrown out. I think I understood the business that having samples is critical otherwise it results in lost billable hours. I think his leader should have educated him on the types of samples out there and that they weren’t always visible – like a tape sample in a clear ziplock baggy.
Also – having this leader push you to come out to your parents and tease you about not being able to do it or understand the situation. But also making sexual harassment jokes. It was messed up. But I guess this goes down to the “Neanderthal” mentality another leader tried to excuse his behaviour with.
Also insinuating that you like an intern in the workplace in a teasing way and expect a fight of sorts with this intern. You’re expecting Turkish oil wrestling? Like is this something you want? Treat women as meat? You expect us to show up but at the same time treat us as less than – as something to use in your effed up fantasies.
I look back on the different means of onboarding at 3 different companies.
Org 1
It was kind of all over the place; you were kind of taught how to do timesheets (excel format type of timesheets performed every 2 weeks) which included expenses. It was kind of frustrating. You typically would track as you went with projects but also you’d shift overtime to the next pay period and miss when you double charged your timesheet (I think it happened once or twice) because you forget to remember if you billed your hours or not. If you didn’t have projects that amounted to 80 hours… you were fucked. There were slow periods where I had may be 40 or 50 hours and our payroll person was concerned. Computers were not quite new. There’s a joke that the Principal would get them off the back of the truck. Trackpads on the laptop would or wouldn’t work. Having to log into a VPN to have access to Outlook was stupid because it wouldn’t always connect. Switching over to another laptop eventually made it work, but it was a dumb system. Going to different projects, you had a differing style of training; some managers or leaders would outright say “yeah… I should wear a respirator but I won’t”. BUT you learned a style of how to perform the tasks. In terms of H&S training. I think it lacked. There were moments of working alone and you’re not sure if you should be there or not. No violence and harassment in the workplace training. Contractor management wasn’t in place and considered an annoyance; though I understand the significance of it. Resources were provided to the team for reference and a system was in place for project control. You were somewhat taught how to manage this.
Org 2
I had a more structured orientation with my leader. She told me to meet at the office on a specific day and at a specific time. She walked me through how to do travel and expenses and corrected me when I did it incorrectly (there was an issue with Concur for vehicle travel). The leader gave me kind of a “low down” of the org, who you could talk to, who you could not (because they didn’t care about HSE). Explained how HSE culture works here and how it should work. The leader did truly bring me under their wing and taught me the ins and outs of a larger org and how to navigate through it as a female. She showed me the HSE system in place and how to navigate through it. She introduced me to the team that I would be working with. She also did talk about how to make sure to plan with sites about site visits. She asked me to review the HSE elements in place and understand the org’s HSE process. It was very organized and followed by people; however, some locations struggled with knowing where to find the documentation. It may have been too complex at times. I think it’s more so documentation for the HSE Team to follow with all the complex laws in each province and state. There was other training/orientation around the organization and understanding the business and what is manufactured and sold that was performed by an HR Partner.
Org 3
It was all over the place with getting to the org. From getting documentation sent in and the 3rd party performing the background check (they would call my previous place of employment around 7am before anyone was in the office). I didn’t quite have contact with a leader in having an orientation performed – how things are done; how to expense things; what to do if purchases (CSA Standards) needed to be made for HSE programs. One kind of feels like they need to fend for themselves, so does it with their own money. The culture training was cool but at the same time it was kind of annoying that no one informed me that I had to do pre-reads before hand and I ended up looking like I didn’t really give AF about the orientation. Not a great impression to make on your first day. So you end up wasting your evening to consume all the fuse training (which is a lot and not a great format when you’re crunching on time). I won’t go on about the HR BP. That’s been already mentioned. It wasn’t fun when you feel disconnected by others about getting company clothing while you’re like what? You got clothing? I don’t have a shirt or jacket? I got a jacket from a closet that people didn’t want or didn’t fit someone. Is this how you feel part of an org? You also hear about how nice people are in the two other offices in the US while in Canada people don’t talk to each other or are very standoffish. You try to defend people your cubicle area because HR is trying to claim it as theirs and wonder why this person sits here. If directors in the office speak to new people, they don’t quite do it with you. They won’t introduce themselves but more so say “who are you?” Being introduced to the new GM, I could sense my Canada leader was hesitant to introduce me… was it cause of my grandpa hipster sweater? What’s the dress code anyways? I had my second leader tell me what you could and couldn’t wear. But they’re people, you don’t have to bow to them. She was straight up real and told you what was ok and not ok. It’s like she knew I was autistic and didn’t know the social cues. Meeting with my new leader was a bit of a times way after my orientation – I think a month after? The 1:1 was good. But I mean it didn’t really have a component of orientation or how this team should be structured, meetings (or what I can recall from the convo at the time). Meeting with the VP, was confused as to the meeting set up – was told about a specific time but wasn’t sure if anyone was in the room or not or if anyone was waiting or if the meeting from before was still in progress. So I ended up interrupting a meeting. It was awkward and felt like I was scolded lol. but the AuDHD kicked in. Fun times.
I’m a weird kid. I dress how I dress. I see myself as a child at times because I had to parentify. If there’s a theme in the office, I’ll take it to the next level. Beach day? I’m there with my life jacket, sunnies, paddle board paddle and beach chair. I want to bring the silliness because why not? Everything is serious sometimes, where’s the fun? The fun brings engagement. I was that hipster in consulting wearing all black, skinny jeans, a black hoodie and skater shoes. I mean I was also teased for looking like a hipster in the workplace. My outfit changed slightly in the next org and again in the third org.
Navigating through workplace dress codes can be hard. I know my colleague at the third org was a bit thrown off by what the dress code was. My other female colleague in the US was called out for her shoes despite the dress code said they can wear sneakers. But our male colleague would wear sweatshirts that were maybe unprofessional in a sense and wasn’t ever called out for it. So it’s kind of a double standard?
Organizations can be weird and hard to navigate as a neurodiverse person. I’m glad I did have a leader who helped with that in the 2nd org though. I think orientations need to be more clear and leaders need to be more clear on expectations how the org might work. If their TM experiences unsafe psychological environments to loop them in and see how to navigate it together.
I find it upsetting this is how we treat architecture. The only positive thing about Guild Park is that you have these pieces here and are to some extent preserved. But you still see them just sitting on pallets with sections of damage. Some areas feel like a degradation of the architectural pieces. This isn’t to put city workers in a bad light; they are there to do their job. Rather this is a criticism of how the government has decided to protect and maintain these pieces. They just end up being forgotten and end up looking like a graveyard of architectural pieces.
You look at Raymond Moriyama’s Ontario Science Centre and it likely will not get the same treatment. The province wants this land for development. How does one move an entire building? It wouldn’t be feasible. From a financial standpoint, how the Premier is planning to build a new building is a waste of money when there are other more pressing concerns in this province.
How the government treated Moriyama’s Temple Bell (funded by Japanese Canadians) and was to celebrate the centennial of Japanese Canadians in Canada on a land for Ontarians – Ontario Place – to only move it into a storage… and sell off the land to a developer (not from Canada), all the while selling a service to the upper class and taxpayers pay for it. The premier talks about Ontario not being for sale yet this is exactly what he is doing. Selling off land (precious land where we grow our food), educational institutions, healthcare institutions all the while promoting the arrests of drug users. We just had a TTC subway track level injury today. Was his plan to arrest that individual as well? Do we arrest workers on jobsites for injuries? They don’t require healthcare, right? Are we promoting systemic racism by making post-secondary school inaccessible due to costs and making OSAP unattainable? Why would a person representing a province do this? What message are we giving to all people in the province? BIPOC people shouldn’t receive post-secondary school education and should do precarious work? Who does the Premier serve then?
AuDN4T 