Having group therapy sessions has been super helpful. In some sense you feel normal when surrounded by people who understand what you are going through, and can relate to “coming out” as neurodivergent can be scary depending on the workplace. Some workplaces can have toxic masculinity personas that make stupid comments about marginalized people and you put on a mask to fit in. But deep down it sucks.
In a male dominated industry, being out as a gay female is hard. You’re not sure who will treat you differently because you’re female AND gay. They’ll make crude jokes about lesbians, have half naked women calendars on their walls, make comments about clients being attractive… it’s odd. It’s a weird cave man mentality. Dudes beating their chests. Some cross lines of kissing your neck or tell you to sit on their lap. Contractors asking you out. It can be uncomfortable and awkward.
Or having clients who make jokes about gay people and you then need to pick and choose who you can come out to or not. I remember a client making a comment about one of their colleagues being gay (they were an overly flamboyant person) and stating that they wouldn’t get into an elevator alone with them. Because you are their “type”? Straight people need to stop thinking that every LGBTQ+ person is attracted to everyone and anyone.
If you’re comfortable with your coworkers, go for it. But if you feel like putting this information out there in your workplace will cause your coworkers to alienate you and you won’t be safe, don’t. But I think there are still ways to educate them by dropping facts around neurodivergence and advocating for different people. Having constructive conversations can be very beneficial.
I remember having a convo with a colleague around kids being exposued to the existence of LGBTQ+ people. This colleague thought that she shouldn’t allow her son be exposed to the existence of LGBTQ+ people. I explained that kids are inherently accepting of everyone when they’re young. They learn hatred as they grow up. If she’s not saying something terrible about LGBTQ+ people, his friends might and they’ll have that influence on him. Turns out she did have a family friend who was gay and understood that aspect of just normalizing LGBTQ+. It removes that stigma, that unknown of something different, that perpetuation of homophobia, transphobia, etc.
Same goes with normalizing neurodivergence. I think I’ve really opened up my eyes to what ASD is; I don’t think I’m any different from who I was last year. I know 3 languages; I love music, sports, art, photography; I deep dive into random topics; I finished university; I’ve held jobs for the majority of my career; I have amazing people in my life and I deeply care about them; I love animals; I like to tinker with things, etc. Neurodivergence, just like my sexual orientation, is just a fact, a sliver of my identity.
And people bullying others who are different – high needs autistic people, people with down syndrome, people with physical disabilities – really tells us what kind of people they are. Are these the people you strive to be? The example you want to give to your children and family? or do you want to do and be better?
I think back to this individual in group and it was interesting, he could relate because his sibling came out as trans. For someone who grew up on a farm, this was unheard of for him and here he was learning more about his sibling being trans. He loved and supported his sibling so he educated himself. And I think this is that approach we need in life. People meeting us halfway. If you truly care about your friends, colleagues, family members, you will try to understand and support them – whether it’s through self-education and having conversations while asking questions. Seeking to understand. It removes that fear of the unknown, that phobia, that judgement.
I do think if we are informed on other stigmatized topics (I think back to mental health and schizophrenia), we need to advocate for those individuals and make things right where the media and culture have “made many wrongs”.
Just when I thought the suicide ideation was gone, it hit today. I’m on a tread mill and these thoughts just don’t leave. It comes in waves. I just want to leave my phone at home and not be found. I’m just done with these games. Like I’m done. What do people want from me.
I’m exhausted. I’m confused about everything. I’m exhausted from being exhausted. I’d rather go out there and get some shots but there is no energy. I couldn’t even get around to making a coffee even though I really wanted one. Ended up just having a Red Bull but that didn’t even hit like a coffee does.
Never really thought about the different unspoken rules in different cultures. I do understand that there are differences in English and Polish culture during greetings – one you’re expected to say you’re good and the other says shit’s terrible.
Add the fact that a neurodivergent person has to further navigate through these cultures and unspoken rules. Do we just end up being sociologists? lol.
Trying to also analyze my mom and her friend talking – they’re pretty direct and I think it’s a great thing to be able to be direct and to the point rather than beat around the bush on the topic. I think there’s also the mixture of being Ukrainian which might beat around the bush and Polish culture that’s direct.
Though I think back to a Polish classmate at Iona telling me her dad was opening up a firm. Funny that I remember it was Grade 9 Geography class. (She had recently immigrated from Poland). And I asked “oh what kind of firm?” She just said a firm. LOL, bruh, I’m curious what kinda business he was opening up… but never found out. Not being weird about it just curious like how do people get into entrepreneurship or determine what business they want to get into. I’m not a business person, the logistics of it all is too much. Anyway – was she masking? or was I being too direct and curious and that was too weird for her?
I did find business university courses too dry. Doing a minor in HR was dry as heck. OHS was a good balance that attracted my curiosity with applied science. Not sure what it would be like now. If business courses would gain my attention or not.
Side thought – why are companies so archaic?
Huge on paper or excel
No or missing process
Manual processes
Expect workers to do more but don’t want to invest in resources that don’t work or expect them to not do the admin work but the processes don’t work
You give them input but they say we don’t have the money or they implement something without your input and it doesn’t even work; garbage input; garbage output
SharePoints that make no sense; either don’t have the necessary information or you can’t find their SharePoint
or obsessed with PowerBI; PowerBI can do so much, but basing all of your content into it, it gets messy
I think about a worker comp company implemented and it was supposed to be a very innovative company supporting US and Canada but based in the US. What wasn’t disclosed was they didn’t even have personnel in Canada and outsourced this service to a third party. Their software? Not intuitive. Didn’t give the data you wanted. And those who would have needed to use this weren’t even included as stakeholders.
I think back to the past with my relationship to alcohol. It was always a contentious topic within my family. My parents fought around it. My dad always had to have beer or vodka. There was always an argument when we travelled up north to camp. My dad would always have this demeanour that feels like he’s retained over the years now when sober and it triggers me. I hear other Polish men with this demeanour and it’s triggering. I don’t know why. I think it’s that childhood trauma.
Christmas and New Years always felt depressing despite being a happy time. There was always an argument or crying about this being the last holiday. He’d never make it the following year.
I thought everyone had the same childhood and never understood why my father screams in the kitchen alone. Time went by and I asked my friends how their world was. In their eyes I had to cry, had to explain it being a sad world. But with everything he could laugh, he could love and drink to the bottom of the barrel, eagerly taste the kisses of pot and later sing obscene songs at night and today they wipe his bedsores with disinfectant. Mom, my world doesn't laugh for a very long time, mom. My world sniffles, it's shameful to live amongst them.
There’s probably a better translation out there but it gives you the gist of the struggles this artist goes through. This song speaks volumes to me.
Having to get between my parents when they fought. It was chaotic. Being in the car when my dad drove drunk. Having to call him out when he was drinking and driving. Having him bring drinking buddies home and having to navigate through that. One of his friends nearly setting our garbage on fire because she left a cigarette butt in our garbage can. Parenting your parents.
He went through cycles of work and not working because his drinking got bad. He had a bit of a bout of working in construction but he refused to eat and would have seizures. My mom is hypothesizing it’s related to him having low blood sugar, not eating and drinking a coffee. The second he was working at heights, he fell and that spooked his employer and he went on disability.
At one point he had gotten paranoid about my mom having an affair with a colleague at work. In reality, he was a person who was a facility manager. He had too much time on his hands, coupled with alcoholism, I think this gave him further paranoia. He’d call my mom’s workplace and yell. This could have put her job at risk. There was a point where my mom was on autopilot. Kind of like surviving. And I understand that feeling during my last relationship – being on autopilot, walking on eggshells.
The police had been call over to our place a couple of times. This was a mixture of our neighbour (who likely was schizophrenic) and my dad’s drinking. The experience with Peel Police was a mixture of positive and negative. Some went on power trips, others were in a sense understanding. He had gone to jail a couple of times. He lived in a homeless shelter at one point as well (one vivid memory was him worried about his shoes being stolen).
The one traumatic moment was when I had come back from a university summer course and my mom called me from work begging me to call the cops because he was in the bathroom threatening to kill himself with this gun he had. So I stood outside of the condo building and spoke with 911. They basically told me the swat team will be there with an ambulance. The ambulance was there just a precaution. Next thing I know he’s coming out handcuffed and drunkenly begging me to tell the cops something. I’m taken to the cop station in the back of a cop cruiser… odd feeling with no seat belts and plastic seats. Felt super unsafe. Not sure why I was treated like a criminal in this situation. At the station, they interviewed me. It was surreal, dream-like. I can’t even remember how I got back home… I think my mom picked me up?
There were many family events where there were arguments around alcohol. Someone got a bottle of alcohol as a gift and his immediate reaction was, why aren’t you sharing it?
He did AA. But it was always a cycle. He’d stay sober for a while but the friends came back with alcohol or expected him to have alcohol. When the alcohol wasn’t there, they were no where to be seen. When he was struggling with his stroke or he was homeless – they didn’t show. Many of these people – I can’t stand.
There was a period where he would “cook” or rather distil his own moonshine in the kitchen. It was a weird chemistry project with tubes and glass pipes. I’m not too familiar with the process but it sounds like it could have resulted in an explosion.
Where does this leave me with my relationship to alcohol?
I’ve tried very hard to manage my drinking. I never wanted to turn out like my father. I know the damage it creates to people and themselves.
I remember Mrs. Dunn (Science teacher at Iona) talk about a student going to university with strict parents and just flunking university because she felt like she needed to indulge in the freedom. This to me was a great example of trying to manage my predispositions to alcohol. Not only was my father an alcohol but so had my grandparents, great grandparents. The hereditary factor throws you through a loop.
Yes, in high school we had parties – but I felt like they were safe environments. A case of Smirnoff Ice was bought and I’d limit myself to 4 bottles. Random memory – a bottle once fell out of my hands, flipped and I still managed to catch it (not bad reflexes for someone with 2 drinks). It was a good way to unmask with these people. They were fun and just …my people. Were there times where I went overboard? Yes, I threw up in one of their mom’s garden beds. But that was the extent of it at these friend parties. They also throw super fun themed parties – St. Patty’s/Bday, Halloween, going away parties, Friends Giving, Dirty Santa, baby showers, etc. Lotta silly shenanigans with these people.
University was a different breed of drinking – I still got together with friends from Iona but also had hangouts with friends from uni – mix of the gay uni club, church street “clubbing” (which included a mix of friends from uni and high school) and travels to uni towns. At one time I got upset at my BFF for leaving me… there was an argument of sorts on the GO Train lol.
Drinking at the Ukrainian festival had its stories as well… we did sneak in to the beer tent as high school kids “looking for our dad there” and ended up getting drinks from friends who were older. There was also Ukrainian New Years parties – Malanka – where you’d have friends older than you get you drinks (it was open bar). But for the most part, you stick to your limit.
University – had only one moment where I hugged the porcelain goddess and told my mom I had food poisoning from Korean Grill House, lol. In reality I mixed a large bottle of Corona and tequila. I still can’t drink tequila to this day.
Cuba weddings – that is another story – people got a bit too wasted. Again, tested my limits there and apologized for throwing up while sharing a room with my BFF. He laughed at me for apologizing, lol. Lot of drama during those trips, but they were fun. Swingers (friends of one of the families there they randomly ran into) hitting on the bride’s BFF. People calling the bride a bridezilla and the bride shot back with something more extreme. The bride and groom getting food poisoning on their wedding day. People falling into a rose bush. People’s hotel doors wide open and them laying on the bed naked…… pretty concerning. Not sure why some didn’t have a “come to Jesus” moment with that person in that moment. Maybe some of us were immature? We were probably 23 at the time?
I haven’t tried to cope with alcohol during work. On the rare occasion it has been during special events. I did once have a bit of wine after a long project work week and while on a call with my SO, I fell asleep – it was kind of embarrassing but also funny at the same time. Recently it has been a little more so with work and how things have transpired. I have noticed that some beer doesn’t make me feel great. I think the iffy ones are PBR and Guinness (when 2+ drinks are had) – one feels like it’s rough on my throat (which I think can be concerning from a carcinogen standpoint) and the other makes me feel like it gives me dry eyes – a possible allergy.
I think to my friends and it seems like many have had similar situations with their parents… all might not have the same stories but some have dealt with alcoholic parents. Some friends have navigated through alcoholism themselves; and I’m appreciative that they’ve shared those experiences. I know it’s a difficult thing to navigate and I do understand what they are going through. So I am proud how well they’ve managed it.
Having another friend go through drug addiction with an abusive partner is hard to hear about because you only want to hear great things for your friends. Having this friend come back to our group of friends was great. We also understood a little bit more on managing addictions – use of methadone and becoming an advocate for safe drug use sites. People who fall into addiction can be anyone. Your parents, friends, siblings, kids. They’re someone before the addiction. Trying to get away from that addiction requires a community and resources in mental healthcare. I do hope our friend group helped this friend feel “normal” again when things were chaotic. I know when I was struggling with my mental health, having that support network helped – having friends relate in their own ways. I think it’s that double empathy where it helps knowing others are going through it and relate. A neurotypical person might find it weird when another person shares a similar story, but they’re showing they understand, they can relate. You’re bonding on that topic.
It’s funny, I some times analyze my symptoms – so if I’ve been drinking – I can hear my ears ringing, tinnitus – more so if it’s a lot. This is an indication that the alcohol is having an impact on your hearing and could result in hearing loss. Yes – hearing loss doesn’t only occur from just noise. Other factors like alcohol, blood pressure and medications can cause hearing loss.
In the past, one thing that deterred me from drinking was the hangover. Not the super bad ones. The ones that you did a bit of drinking but it wasn’t overly the top. It some how still had an impact on your mood; causing depression. I’ve always thought maybe it was a vitamin B12 flushing out of my system and reducing your dopamine. I hated that feeling of low mood and made me feel like not drinking for a while. Same with coffee. It felt like I’d go over my threshold and I had nothing in the gas tank. I thought it was a B12 deficiency – I still think it likely was.
Why am I getting scientific? Just how my brain works when analyzing how I’m feeling. I’ve been trying to understand my body for years. Sometimes I get it, other times not so much. Felt like this post had a lot of bouncing from one topic to another. Meeeeeeh, whatevs.
Overall, I plan on managing my alcohol intake. I do understand it is a Type 1 carcinogen.
Trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. I think talking about health and safety on LinkedIn in an unmasked manner does get some convos going. Just struggling with trying to also get some photography in.
I’m glad the posts are getting needed conversations around neurodivergence and caring for workers.
But ultimately, I’m still having a hard time figuring out that balance. What’s just about right in maintaining a happy medium of work. If I get out of the house, how much will I be tired when I get home. If I work on written piece, how much will I be tired after completion. Again, still sitting in sunglasses at home because everything is too loud.
Thought I’d take a drive up north to Nottawasaga and walk through some Niagara Escarpment canyons. Didn’t pan out since the trails are heavily snowed in and the snowshoes I got were a fail. They didn’t even stay on my feet. Why does Canadian Tire even sell this stuff if it doesn’t work?
On the way back, I took a different route. By the time I got far, it was too late to turn around. It’s primarily a summer only route and is closed off from December to April and is used by snowmobilers.
The car did fine on majority of the road. There were some parts where it was tricky, like around the hairpin turns that felt like they were going to flip my car onto its side or that I’d drive off the road into a very steep ditch or going through a creek.
She made out fine. It was the end of the road that was the issue. At the junction, the road had a huge layer of snow, the right hand side had a crazy 30deg angle so I shifted to the left. Well shifting to the left just pulled me further into the left side into the snowbank which got me stuck.
All of a sudden three snowmobilers showed up. They tried to push me out of the area but just further pushed me 2 ft into the snowbank. They ended off peacing off.
Then an Amazon driver showed up and offered to help. After a couple of minutes of struggles, we decided to hook up a chain to his pickup truck and my vehicle. Ended up working though got worried about my control arm getting damaged. Need to figure out where the GMC Terrain’s attachment point is. I guess that’s something every Canadian should learn in the event they get stuck and need help from someone.
Super thankful for this individual helping out!
I’ll have to download the video for shits and giggles and post it as a learning opportunity, ha.
