AuDN4T

I’m struggling a bit. Why did the org say I’m a key employee in the contract? That feels like a strong word or term to use?

Reflecting on org structures – you realize how inefficient they are when people game processes. Are they truly using them how they were built or just trying to add a notch on their belt? Are they truly good Kaizen leaders or people who managed to get enough Kaizen projects? I’m not sure but from experience it felt like people were just trying to get that notch on their belt.

It is a bit ironic that an org will try to implement lean, GEMBA, RCA, Kaizen but not really know how to implement or utilize them.

• GEMBA walks being used interchangeably as monthly inspections; GEMBA being completely misinterpreted;
• 5S is a quick online training but not actually followed;
• RCA – again no thorough process in training – many will not know how to utilize RCA completely. PEMEP is a best practice to add onto RCA;
• Kaizen – there have been a couple of projects where the necessary stakeholders were never included and compliance issues were potentially missed;
• CIPs – topics that stakeholders need to be looped into are not; managers don’t know and don’t think to steer workers to the necessary stakeholders – the idea of CIPs can be missed and waste of time
• Lean is talked about but at times it feels like leaders use it as an excuse to get out of tasks or duties they should be performing – thinking about a QC RC leader

It feels like someone decided to slap on these different processes but never really structured them properly and their implementation became a Frankenstein of sorts.

Bringing in a HSE consultant is smart, but I think it’s also important to have people with HSE backgrounds to try to lead further. The unstructured complex vision gets messy. Having no global voice talking about safety send a message that it’s not there. Trying to implement safety committees gets confusing because of local legislation on JHSC. I’d prefer to have JHSCs for those different departments in each country but have a structured global format on HSE with stats and programs that then get further reported to each regional GM. But it is on the GM to talk about HSE with their workers. They, along with their leadership are responsible to report to their workers on HSE in their region… with transparency. If PPE purchases are taking forever to get through, they respond why. They make the shots they should have to respond to this. They talk about incidents that have occurred (keeping the worker anonymous). Incident shares would have to be shared globally ensuring all can learn from them… even if there were differences in processes… there’s something to learn from them.

Speaking with my godmother today, she brought up an incident where her son’s friend was sharing of suicidal feelings at the age of 13.

This is a tricky situation to be in. Bullying can be hard on kids. Fitting in school is also difficult because not everyone is popular. Being different can make you an outcast. This is more prominent when you are neurodivergent.

For me, bullying was a bit of an issue in elementary school – grades 3-8. Had people name call or make stupid jokes about me. Did it affect my self-esteem? Yeah. There were moments where I’d look into the mirror and think yeah, I’m not a good looking person.

High school – there wasn’t THAT much bullying, though there were situations with 2 classmates where things got weird. But boys in the neighbourhood did insinuate I was promiscuous for dating someone in the neighbourhood. Guys are not cool in that instance.

I did fall for a friend/classmate in Grade 9. I really just liked the vibe with this person. Telling her was a bad idea. She did tell some classmates about me liking her and that scared me so it put me back into the closet. It’s not quite comfortable being out as a gay person in a Catholic high school. I don’t think a lot of kids in our high school were comfortable being out. I know of maybe 3 or 4 people in our grade that are LGBTQ+. They did end up coming out later on after high school. But coming out while in high school was unheard of. I’m not sure how things are at the current moment at our high school. If kids feel comfortable about coming out. It would be interesting to find out.

I do recall one of our teacher being asked what he would do if his son came out and he said he’d disown him. Or that he could not be gay. It was upsetting that a teacher you look up to, has this view.

Anyway, I did have a hard time in grade 9 when my grandmother passed away. Also navigating questioning who I was. Not finding those people in high school so you tend to find people online. (though I’ve lost touch with those people). There was a moment where I did write a letter to someone from camp about how I was feeling and she sent it to my mom. The conversation with my mom didn’t go well.

I think we need to educate kids and schools on mental health and have open discussions on these topics. Normalize them. Girls will be more open about feelings (unless they’re not with parents). Boys will have a harder time vocalizing or articulating their feelings. Again, I’m not a professional on this topic nor am I a sociologist. I don’t know how high school kids have progressed in 20 years. Do they speak more about mental health? It could vary depending if they come from a progressive family or are first gen Canadian. A convo I had with a young male adult at CAMH talked about how his friends were very candid about mental health and were able to have these discussions. Was he and his group of friends an outlier? or is the new reality of kids these days?

I think if a parent is aware of suicide ideation of a child, they need to be careful with how they handle the situation to not further traumatize the child. Kids can really clam up and shut up about things going on at school. If they have a transparent relationship with their parents, I think they’re super lucky…. teenage years can be very volatile. They’re awkward. Kids are awkward during these years. That’s just the reality of it. Some parents are there, others are not. Parents have different parenting styles. No one is consistent because of how different everyone is. But I think one thing that needs to be consistent is talking about mental health. Educating ourselves about it. Reading various research topics on it. My fear is that misinformation and disinformation will affect how society will truly perceive it. We saw what COVID disinformation on facebook did. Science for me is the gold standard – public health professionals are the specialists on this topic. And as much I want to say that mental health professionals are the professionals on these topics – I wish they were more progressive on neurodivergence to have a better understanding on the topic and make the necessary impact that is required. I don’t mean impact from a controlling manner (here’s some drugs, we’re managing your mental health this way) but from a professional manner – listening, assessing how to communicate this information and execute it in the right manner.

Outside of school – as a society we need to do better. Educate the public on these topics – neurodivergence, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, addiction, etc. There’s a lot of stigma around these. I still stand by doing right by schizophrenia. I feel like this is a very heavily stigmatized diagnosis. I’ve had a doctor say to not tell anyone this is my diagnosis (when I was misdiagnosed). He was an older person. But even then. You expect doctors to continuously develop professionally and better understand new topics and research coming out.

I find conversations around mental health can feel very hollow. Bell Let’s Talk Day – What are we really talking about? I don’t think a lot of people really know. They might know of a person struggling or had a person suddenly commit suicide. I’ve seen both. But I never really understood these topics until I started researching myself.

I think we also need to look at our psychiatric facilities. Determine if they’re really suitable for those struggling. I remember (while my mind was in a haze), hearing a young woman being brought to CAMH talk about feeling triggered… being brought there. Is the psychiatric hospital well equipped to bring people in and keep them safe? or are they further triggering and traumatizing patients?

I think having a phone available helps keep patients available to friends and families. Having short phone cables is critical as well (though I was paranoid at the time that they were tapping into my phone; I really struggled with trust during that time period).

I remember one instance where a patient set their bed on fire years ago… When I was there, I think they did a good job ensuring all personal belongings were free of items that would contribute to injuries. Though there was an instance where they provided clothing that had a string in a hoodie or pants that could result in someone using this to commit suicide.

Design of the hospital or psychiatric unit is also critical. I recall one hospital where a psychiatric unit had a death because a patient was able to find a plan… could be stalls, clothing, door handles, etc. I think that’s the last place a hospital/psychiatric unit wants to be in. Having a patient they’re trying to keep alive – end up dead. It’s not only traumatizing for the family but also the staff. I’m not sure if there’s some sort of standard out there on how to design a psychiatric unit. But I think this would be beneficial.

Not sure why I’m huge on standards but I think it helps with getting other facilities be up to speed if they aren’t already.

Conversations

I reflect back on having conversations with people. I think back to when my uncle (technically my cousin, but in Ukrainian culture, he would be considered my uncle) driving me to a Ukrainian event I was performing at with my Ukrainian Dance Ensemble.

During the car ride, it felt like he was pulling teeth. I struggled with having a conversation with him. Not that I wasn’t interested in having a convo with him, I just didn’t know how to have a convo with him? I struggled with topics to bring up or ask questions. Today – I think the conversation would go better? He’s a very smart person and I guess that is a bit intimidating? Likewise with my godmother – she wasn’t around during my childhood – she travelled, taught English in South Korea… Gen X-ers had a hard time with finding jobs and that was kind of the case for her. Though, I am grateful for having her around now and we can have convos about anything.

Reflecting back on having conversations with others – the flow varies on the person. Some will make it easy to talk with. I don’t know if it’s the expectation of having a neurodivergent convo where you say a fact and the other person shares their experience. Like this pinging vibe of back and forth… I never found it offensive to relate on a similar topic or provide a different perspective… though with one friend it felt like he was a challenge? or one-upping? Oddly remembered those MSN convos. I mean I get sharing topics but it felt like his side had to be better in those convos? lol, a bit of a turnoff because why would one topic be better than the other?

I still have to remind myself to ask questions in a convo so that it doesn’t sound self-centred. It’s like I’ve had to train myself this but there are times where I forget.

I look back at my female leaders and they taught me about building report with colleagues… as if I unknowingly was unaware that I didn’t do this?

Though I have sensed hierarchies and hated when departments would group together and not mingle with others.

It’s a weird mix of various conversation styles. Being brought up with adults (aunts and uncles), I was used to conversing with adults because that’s who I was surrounded with. Cousins came later. The ones in Poland were too far to hang out. Immediate cousins were 7+ years younger. I had one cousin who was my age but we didn’t spend a ton of time like I did with my immediate first cousin.

There was a moment when clinginess or something irritated me and I needed to take a break from the cousins. Some were loud with their shrieks. Some poured sand from a wedding decorative martini giveaway and decided to play in the sand on my bedroom carpet LOL.

There have been moments where I wanted to just bow out of family functions because they could get intense and loud. Don’t get me wrong – I love my family. My aunts, uncles and cousins are great people. But sometimes it can get overwhelming. Funny enough, as a kid I’d ask if we could go over for tea – kind of a very Ukrainian thing to do – invite people over for tea or coffee. Perks of an only child before my aunts and uncles started having kids? Was I part of the adults?

I think about friends and convos with them – I feel like they’ve embraced my weirdness or me being me.

Though, what I’ve noticed is I always followed-up with a text message after hanging out with friends thanking them for the hang out. During the goodbyes following the hangout I feel like I forget to say thanks for the hangout or just can’t find the right words? Not sure if this is a neurodivergence thing that others do? or Neurotypicals also do? AI says it’s the why behind the text message. Curious how many people actually do send out a thanks text message after a hangout. We should do a survey on this.

I understand every autistic person will have varying experiences based on their traits. So I don’t want others to think I am exactly what an autistic person should look or act like. Everyone is different. Everyone has different preferences and traits.

Still blows my mind that this is something that I didn’t catch earlier… and it really has opened up my mind on neurodivergence and autism. I think we have such a far way to go on education. If my knowledge on this topic was so skewed.

Universe Tests

There have been moments where I felt like the universe or the workplace was testing me. When I attended camp for the first time… I had a hard time being away from home. I would call home often; sometimes no one picked up and I thought my parents died or something. Or died on the 401. When they came to pick me up, I thought they were robots that the government sent over. The entire drive from London to Toronto on the 401, I was giving the side eye to my parents.

In the workplace – for some odd reason, i felt like the projects I did were way too easy and they were a test of sorts by my employer to see if I could do them properly. Like they were a trick question – a trick project? It honestly makes no sense when I write this; but that was the thought. Maybe my brain was already screaming to me that this is too easy. I need a challenge or a change. The ironic thing is changes in the workplace were hard.

Changing organizations is difficult. Learning the workplace, the different departments, the people. It was in a sense refreshing getting changing over the second org. I think my leader did a good job getting me onboarded; what my scope of work was.

The third workplace needed a more structured onboarding process. Could have been an issue with transitioning leadership, clearer instructions on completing training (I had to do my online theoretical training before getting into the instructor led online training… but this wasn’t streamlined so I got to the first day confused as to what the instructors were talking about and scrambled to complete the theoretical training that night. It was not pleasant… though it was a more extensive orientation I’ve ever been through). It wasn’t great feeling like I failed but really the org failed me in that instance. Navigating through fuse is complicated; no one tells you what training you need to complete. Others travel for the hands-on training and we never did because it was the cusp of COVID shut downs.

I think navigating through 700 people… or ~4,000 people with 6 different departments you support plus different stakeholders that would require collaboration. It was a lot. Add in global personnel and departments and you’re struggling to find the right person to problem solve an issue. It can be intense.

I reflect back on my experience as an AuDHD person and the conversations I had during my group therapy session.

Some people felt like they couldn’t fit in as children and were quiet. Or had a hard time making friends.

My experience felt a bit polar opposite. I think the ADHD kicked in hard. I was friends with people. I was a bit of a wild child. It could’ve been the violent 90s TV shows like power rangers and old school batman. I bonded with other boys over toy cars. I bounced between friend groups. There were some moments where I lost friendships around Grade 2 and I wasn’t sure why. They were girls that were a year older. It sucked. But I think it was some sort of unspoken rule that I broke?

I think I masked more in the classroom. I had to shut up because teachers were strict. They yelled. Being sent to the office was a scary thing to happen. I unmasked with friends. I have stupid photos of me with a small guitar at a friends bday party (and I had no idea how to play it)… with messy hair – a very ADHD kid. Then there’s that classic story of me ending up on a friend’s roof at another bday party… which scared the shit out of their parents.

Masking in the workplace? Yes and No during the first company. Definitely yes at the second and third. Part of it was RSD. I thought my leader and others in the CHSE team were the cool kids and one wrong move would get me disowned. They knew their shit and it was fun picking their brains.

Third workplace – again, I think it was situational – with my leader I could drop my mask but there were times where I didn’t. People I felt comfortable with, I spoke. Around others, I was an observer.

To some extent I think I’m a bit privileged that my stims and autism aren’t overly obvious for people to discriminate against me. But then I guess the rigidity around safety might be an obvious sign.

I think I am lucky to have friends that I can unmask with. My high school and university friends are hella fun people. Elementary school… I mean kinda lost touch with many but I always have that one friend that hangs around and we can message each other randomly.

I know I was surrounded by older people that were kind of those mentors. Whether it was with family or at camp. Even in the workplace, you get to pick people’s brains, look into that wealth of knowledge they have.

But it does bum me out that the people in group haven’t had those same experiences. Like I want to find them those friend groups… bring them into ours? IDK. That might weird ’em out. The conversations were very vulnerable, deep and made you feel understood, even though they had differing experiences. It felt like a very safe space.

I do wish society had a more progressive view on Autism and ADHD. That the medical community could move towards better understanding neurodivergence rather than pointing at an immediate condition like depression, schizophrenia, anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD, etc. Looking beyond the surface level…. and actually listening to patients. There’s a lot of medical trauma that happens when you undergo misdiagnosis.

Starting to talk in circles now. ANYWAY – We’ll see how much the autism comes out with the Vyavanse.

As women, we often hear it – a female tries to make a change – is assertive and is called difficult. You’re told to sit and listen to men with large egos go off on you and tell you how to do work. If they get emotionally dysregulated – they’re considered charismatic. Women emotionally dysregulated? Just emotional or a b*tch.

I’ve had a male colleague get emotionally dysregulated because I told him his team needs to clean up after themselves – this was an environment requirement. He ended up taking my work cellphone. He went through it. My manager is messaging me during this time asking me if I’m safe in this situation and he’s asking who is <insert managers name here> while he reads my messages. He’s asking for legislative requirements on where we need to clean up (local city bylaws prohibits discharge of anything that may enter the sewer drain and impact quality of water; along with Ontario EPA). Other male leaders couldn’t quite step in to get this person to regulate themselves.

Later during an investigation, HR questioned – why I didn’t call 911.

1. You do not know how people react to these situations. You do not know their personal history, what traumas they’ve gone through.
2. What are the consequences following this incident? Is his manager or his 2 level up manager going to retaliate against me?

Well that is what happened. His 2 level up manager – director retaliated against me. He accused me of being the one who caused his emotionally dysregulated team member to get a written warning – impacting his promotional future. I am the problem because a man cannot control his emotions when telling him we need to follow legal requirements to protect the environment.

What did this director also do? Drag my name during his yearly meeting with his team because I brought up HSE issues at a different occasion – noting my concerns for his workers – something he should be concerned about. But that information didn’t bode well with him. My teams message “tone” was wrong. I had a female colleague (who attended this meeting) come up to me later to ask me when am I leaving my role. Wow. Nice. This is the second time I’ve ever spoken to this person. The first time she was overly loud during a call in the office and I never complained about it. Never said a mean thing to this person but here a male leader already killed my reputation because his ego was hurt and she’s written me off.

It’s also great when you try to bring safety standards to a product being developed following a request from a customer to follow local standards. You work with a fellow female (great colleague and she was thankful for bringing her into the conversation) on this topic to convince others – because safety is an after thought. When you bring this case up with a male coworker, what does he do? Yell at you to stay in your lane. Stay in my lane. Is it because I’m a female and how dare I influence safety standards on a product males use? How dare I keep people safe?

We can also talk about another male leader who was upset that we brought up a safety concern about transporting product (could have resulted in others injured outside of the organization). We set up a call with relevant stakeholders to find a solution. This director didn’t show up to the call and immediately ran to the CEO to complain about roadblocks. Never reached out to my colleague and I to talk through the issue. Never sought to understand. Rather than solve the problem, we had to navigate male emotions and people willing to break laws. Organizational values of integrity aren’t followed by leadership – what makes them think that their team members will follow them? What kind of double standard is that? How can you hold those front line individuals accountable if directors and CEOs can’t follow their own values? Or are they just one sided? If they’re willing to break laws, what else are they capable of? Lying to board members about the HSE department not a specific program in place? Because that also happened with another director. (The program was in place).

Now I don’t say all men are like this. I’ve had many male colleagues who have done what is right and I consider them great people. However, women have to work so much harder to do the right thing. A director could easily ask someone to get fired outside of their department and HR has to comply. It’s awkward being in a training session where this female colleague is explaining that it should be ok to make a mistake, scared for her job – and you have no idea what this whole thing is about but the tension in the room is heavy. Maybe it’s the neurodivergence of being able to pick up on these subtleties. Also during orientation they talked about it being ok to make mistakes. But it’s ok for directors to break laws. The double standards are wild and leave a bitter taste in my mouth… and not the good espresso kind.

I started my Vyavanse medication today. It felt surprisingly ok at the low dose. My partner noticed some changes where I didn’t linger around getting ready for our outing. I just got ready.

It’s hard for me to notice it. Maybe because it’s still a smaller dose? I’m not 100% certain. Taking photos felt somewhat the same? But apparently I didn’t spend a long period of time taking many photos? But was still able to get about ~40 photos that were decent and edited them in a focused way? I think. I’m not sure. I didn’t quite track my computer screen LOL. Not sure if I flipped between apps.

The aspect of taking medication wasn’t bad. But I guess the burnout part is difficult to navigate through.

Comparing this time period to my Short-Term Disability Leave in October 2024, I found getting onto Sertraline hard. There were nights where I didn’t get any sleep and the dry mouth was rough. I ended up sleeping on the couch for about a month or so. It was a terrible sleep. It’s ironic because the couch is a comfortable firmness. But generally trying to get onto the medication was difficult. In the end it did feel like it helped with the low end of depression… or is it just AuDHD? I’m not sure.

I tried to work on myself – the anxiety caused by that paliperidone and subsequent change in hormone levels with elevated prolactin levels – it was a mixture of stopping the antipsychotic medication, adding the antidepressant medication, therapy offered through work programs (which are very limited), YouTube self help videos and finding that box breathing helped. It helped in that moment, but unfortunately it was more so a band-aid solution for that moment. It didn’t get to the causal factor.

It was probably equally difficult compared to Feb/March 2024. I tried to have a schedule. But it was difficult to figure it all out. I’d go grab a coffee, sweat buckets and come back home and watch more self help videos. What’s odd is I processed thoughts and listened to podcasts while playing YouTube games (maybe to some, or just me?). Not sure why I tend to do this, but I guess it’s a way to work on your thoughts without full on, directly processing them where it could result in you getting more upset. I guess being that 5 year old philosopher scared the crap outta me – asking myself if I was a good person or a bad person or if I was a good enough person. It’s funny and dumb that my thoughts scare me.

The interesting thing is I missed photography a lot during my time at CAMH. But photography didn’t quite help me during the October leave. BUT it was nice to have Halloween decor and creativity within the neighbourhood hit that dopamine crave.

The wild thing about trying to wean myself off of paliperidone, there were noticeable changes in my mood (aside from the akathisia/anxiety). It wasn’t dulled and I could feel things. I don’t think I could laugh at things. I don’t think I even smiled? I could feel for my partner and my cat. That was terrifying when I had no feelings for my two constants, my loves. Music – having no feelings for it. It just made life so… blank. I was a literal zombie. I was no one. I had no thoughts. I had no words. I tried so hard to contribute at work and it frustrated me but I don’t think it even expressed how frustrating it was. I remember trying to have a conversation with someone in the office and I was spaced out like his words went over my head. Pretty sure he thought I was completely out of it. Lights on but no one was home. Trying to hold meetings was hard. Having to jot talking notes because words wouldn’t come out properly. I had no executive function. I could not think for myself. I practised my notes to make it sound natural, not robotic. It was so fucked up. I was struggling to keep my job. And I’m not even sure my manager knew how much I was struggling. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be at this job yet this very place also put me in this situation. I mean they were accommodating in that moment but I also felt like I was not worthy of that accommodation because I couldn’t contribute to the level I wanted to. That’s the high standard I have for myself unfortunately. I know my manager said, some days you’ll do great and others not so much and just focus on what you can in that moment. But the shitty thing is I couldn’t get myself to feel like I was accomplishing things. I didn’t get that satisfaction dopamine hit completing those tasks. I am fortunate for the team members who collab’d with me on getting training completed and tracking it. But man, that felt like a feat, moving a mountain. Still think more concrete hands on training is needed – internal working at heights training. Fuse modules are not effective. They’re a pencil whipping task, some where people memorize the answers because the training doesn’t make sense. It all defeats the purpose of the training.

I can see how my thoughts are now scattered at this moment. Fun times.

I was looking at cooked chicken breast strips at the grocery store the other day. It triggered a bit of a flash back to when I was on paliperidone and trying to make dinner. I had recently learned how to make my partner’s quesadilla recipe in Alberta. It was a yummy quesadilla but that time period was really messed up. Trying to even eat breakfast freaked me out. I’ve told this aspect to many people and I truly don’t think they understood this.

Prior to paliperidone, I would take about 15 minutes +/- to eat breakfast… not that I timed myself or was overly strict about how long it took. During 2024 when on paliperidone, it felt like it took a lot of effort and scared the shit out of me. I cannot even explain what it did to me. Making dinner had the same effect. The effort. How can effort – the act of making breakfast, lunch or dinner scare the crap out of you? It sounds so irrational. It sounds so implausible. It makes no sense when I say it. But it was so real and terrifying.

Living was terrifying. Waking up was terrifying. Mornings were terrifying. You try to sleep in but your brain is running through thoughts despite being half asleep. I had dreams about Lock-Out Tag-Out, I literally was afraid about workers getting injured. While CEOs are worried about profits (let’s be real, many will say this is what keeps them up at night), I’m worried about people dying on the job.

Every hour, every minute was terrifying. When people say, yeah, don’t dwell on 2024; let’s not go back to that. There’s some sort of trauma that has come out of that. I think one needs to process it to get over it.

Thinking of visiting my godmother has that memory of struggling to enjoy that summer come up. Inflate a stand-up paddle board, put it away. I couldn’t enjoy being on the water because the thought of having to pack up the paddle board kept bothering me. Again, this makes no sense to the rational brain.

Sitting on my mom’s patio trying to enjoy the summer weather and there’s that memory where I could not sit still because everything just was too intense. My abdomen was screaming. Internal akathisia. Anxiety. I don’t even know what to really call it. It fucked me up a lot. But why was it in my core? Why wasn’t it in my legs or arms or head? Why would my core “vibrate”? I mean – it didn’t technically vibrate but it felt like it. Psychiatrists didn’t really listen. “This doesn’t cause anxiety. It’s just more of a symptom of schizophrenia. We need to up your medication.”

It’s hard being on these medications. I feel like at times they can do more harm than good. Never thought it could cause a trauma like that. It makes me very cautious about taking Vyvanse.

When work does more harm to you than good.

Transitions are hard. My dentist, that has been around since childhood, retired back in Dec 2024. It has been hard trying to find a dentist because you want to find someone that will be around for a while. Have that stability. You look at those condo spaces that have medical spaces. Some end up empty. Some change tenants often. It ends up making me nervous that the medical team or dentist will leave and you’re now stuck trying to find another dentist. I’d rather be “loyal” to a dentist than shop around. Like it shouldn’t be a business but rather someone who cares about the work they do. Felt that way about my dentist. She cared. Then I hear stories from others and it sounds like they’re trying to sell you something you might not need. Kind of what happened to my partner. Some things sold can involve a lot of risks. Or dental clinics would confuse partners… like my BFF and his former partner and they’d book them for dental appointments thinking they were one person…. how do you confuse two people as one?

Suicide ideation is frustrating. I just feel done. I feel as if I’m being toyed with.

You want to laugh about it, or smirk at me with a dumb look, but this is the reality. (You know who you are). I feel like I don’t need to be here. So laugh if you want, if you’re a psychopath.

Been “blogging” or trying to talk about pertinent topics on LinkedIn. Sometimes it just feels so corporate homogenous marketing with little philosophical discussions on issues people deal with at work. Might be hard to get those topic convos going but I’ll just try. Doesn’t hurt right? Be a bit of that different blunt thought convo starter?

I do find the suicide ideation annoying. It comes and goes. It’s not intense. But I think I’m just frustrated with how things are at the moment. Sometimes I feel like I’m my mom because of how she talks about leaving and never coming back. It’s a scary thought.

On a side note: the sweetest thing that makes my heart melt is when my cat just puts her paw on my leg. It’s like she’s telling me to stop moving it. We’re really not worthy of animals.