AuDN4T

I reflect back on my experience as an AuDHD person and the conversations I had during my group therapy session.

Some people felt like they couldn’t fit in as children and were quiet. Or had a hard time making friends.

My experience felt a bit polar opposite. I think the ADHD kicked in hard. I was friends with people. I was a bit of a wild child. It could’ve been the violent 90s TV shows like power rangers and old school batman. I bonded with other boys over toy cars. I bounced between friend groups. There were some moments where I lost friendships around Grade 2 and I wasn’t sure why. They were girls that were a year older. It sucked. But I think it was some sort of unspoken rule that I broke?

I think I masked more in the classroom. I had to shut up because teachers were strict. They yelled. Being sent to the office was a scary thing to happen. I unmasked with friends. I have stupid photos of me with a small guitar at a friends bday party (and I had no idea how to play it)… with messy hair – a very ADHD kid. Then there’s that classic story of me ending up on a friend’s roof at another bday party… which scared the shit out of their parents.

Masking in the workplace? Yes and No during the first company. Definitely yes at the second and third. Part of it was RSD. I thought my leader and others in the CHSE team were the cool kids and one wrong move would get me disowned. They knew their shit and it was fun picking their brains.

Third workplace – again, I think it was situational – with my leader I could drop my mask but there were times where I didn’t. People I felt comfortable with, I spoke. Around others, I was an observer.

To some extent I think I’m a bit privileged that my stims and autism aren’t overly obvious for people to discriminate against me. But then I guess the rigidity around safety might be an obvious sign.

I think I am lucky to have friends that I can unmask with. My high school and university friends are hella fun people. Elementary school… I mean kinda lost touch with many but I always have that one friend that hangs around and we can message each other randomly.

I know I was surrounded by older people that were kind of those mentors. Whether it was with family or at camp. Even in the workplace, you get to pick people’s brains, look into that wealth of knowledge they have.

But it does bum me out that the people in group haven’t had those same experiences. Like I want to find them those friend groups… bring them into ours? IDK. That might weird ’em out. The conversations were very vulnerable, deep and made you feel understood, even though they had differing experiences. It felt like a very safe space.

I do wish society had a more progressive view on Autism and ADHD. That the medical community could move towards better understanding neurodivergence rather than pointing at an immediate condition like depression, schizophrenia, anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD, etc. Looking beyond the surface level…. and actually listening to patients. There’s a lot of medical trauma that happens when you undergo misdiagnosis.

Starting to talk in circles now. ANYWAY – We’ll see how much the autism comes out with the Vyavanse.

As women, we often hear it – a female tries to make a change – is assertive and is called difficult. You’re told to sit and listen to men with large egos go off on you and tell you how to do work. If they get emotionally dysregulated – they’re considered charismatic. Women emotionally dysregulated? Just emotional or a b*tch.

I’ve had a male colleague get emotionally dysregulated because I told him his team needs to clean up after themselves – this was an environment requirement. He ended up taking my work cellphone. He went through it. My manager is messaging me during this time asking me if I’m safe in this situation and he’s asking who is <insert managers name here> while he reads my messages. He’s asking for legislative requirements on where we need to clean up (local city bylaws prohibits discharge of anything that may enter the sewer drain and impact quality of water; along with Ontario EPA). Other male leaders couldn’t quite step in to get this person to regulate themselves.

Later during an investigation, HR questioned – why I didn’t call 911.

1. You do not know how people react to these situations. You do not know their personal history, what traumas they’ve gone through.
2. What are the consequences following this incident? Is his manager or his 2 level up manager going to retaliate against me?

Well that is what happened. His 2 level up manager – director retaliated against me. He accused me of being the one who caused his emotionally dysregulated team member to get a written warning – impacting his promotional future. I am the problem because a man cannot control his emotions when telling him we need to follow legal requirements to protect the environment.

What did this director also do? Drag my name during his yearly meeting with his team because I brought up HSE issues at a different occasion – noting my concerns for his workers – something he should be concerned about. But that information didn’t bode well with him. My teams message “tone” was wrong. I had a female colleague (who attended this meeting) come up to me later to ask me when am I leaving my role. Wow. Nice. This is the second time I’ve ever spoken to this person. The first time she was overly loud during a call in the office and I never complained about it. Never said a mean thing to this person but here a male leader already killed my reputation because his ego was hurt and she’s written me off.

It’s also great when you try to bring safety standards to a product being developed following a request from a customer to follow local standards. You work with a fellow female (great colleague and she was thankful for bringing her into the conversation) on this topic to convince others – because safety is an after thought. When you bring this case up with a male coworker, what does he do? Yell at you to stay in your lane. Stay in my lane. Is it because I’m a female and how dare I influence safety standards on a product males use? How dare I keep people safe?

We can also talk about another male leader who was upset that we brought up a safety concern about transporting product (could have resulted in others injured outside of the organization). We set up a call with relevant stakeholders to find a solution. This director didn’t show up to the call and immediately ran to the CEO to complain about roadblocks. Never reached out to my colleague and I to talk through the issue. Never sought to understand. Rather than solve the problem, we had to navigate male emotions and people willing to break laws. Organizational values of integrity aren’t followed by leadership – what makes them think that their team members will follow them? What kind of double standard is that? How can you hold those front line individuals accountable if directors and CEOs can’t follow their own values? Or are they just one sided? If they’re willing to break laws, what else are they capable of? Lying to board members about the HSE department not a specific program in place? Because that also happened with another director. (The program was in place).

Now I don’t say all men are like this. I’ve had many male colleagues who have done what is right and I consider them great people. However, women have to work so much harder to do the right thing. A director could easily ask someone to get fired outside of their department and HR has to comply. It’s awkward being in a training session where this female colleague is explaining that it should be ok to make a mistake, scared for her job – and you have no idea what this whole thing is about but the tension in the room is heavy. Maybe it’s the neurodivergence of being able to pick up on these subtleties. Also during orientation they talked about it being ok to make mistakes. But it’s ok for directors to break laws. The double standards are wild and leave a bitter taste in my mouth… and not the good espresso kind.

I started my Vyavanse medication today. It felt surprisingly ok at the low dose. My partner noticed some changes where I didn’t linger around getting ready for our outing. I just got ready.

It’s hard for me to notice it. Maybe because it’s still a smaller dose? I’m not 100% certain. Taking photos felt somewhat the same? But apparently I didn’t spend a long period of time taking many photos? But was still able to get about ~40 photos that were decent and edited them in a focused way? I think. I’m not sure. I didn’t quite track my computer screen LOL. Not sure if I flipped between apps.

The aspect of taking medication wasn’t bad. But I guess the burnout part is difficult to navigate through.

Comparing this time period to my Short-Term Disability Leave in October 2024, I found getting onto Sertraline hard. There were nights where I didn’t get any sleep and the dry mouth was rough. I ended up sleeping on the couch for about a month or so. It was a terrible sleep. It’s ironic because the couch is a comfortable firmness. But generally trying to get onto the medication was difficult. In the end it did feel like it helped with the low end of depression… or is it just AuDHD? I’m not sure.

I tried to work on myself – the anxiety caused by that paliperidone and subsequent change in hormone levels with elevated prolactin levels – it was a mixture of stopping the antipsychotic medication, adding the antidepressant medication, therapy offered through work programs (which are very limited), YouTube self help videos and finding that box breathing helped. It helped in that moment, but unfortunately it was more so a band-aid solution for that moment. It didn’t get to the causal factor.

It was probably equally difficult compared to Feb/March 2024. I tried to have a schedule. But it was difficult to figure it all out. I’d go grab a coffee, sweat buckets and come back home and watch more self help videos. What’s odd is I processed thoughts and listened to podcasts while playing YouTube games (maybe to some, or just me?). Not sure why I tend to do this, but I guess it’s a way to work on your thoughts without full on, directly processing them where it could result in you getting more upset. I guess being that 5 year old philosopher scared the crap outta me – asking myself if I was a good person or a bad person or if I was a good enough person. It’s funny and dumb that my thoughts scare me.

The interesting thing is I missed photography a lot during my time at CAMH. But photography didn’t quite help me during the October leave. BUT it was nice to have Halloween decor and creativity within the neighbourhood hit that dopamine crave.

The wild thing about trying to wean myself off of paliperidone, there were noticeable changes in my mood (aside from the akathisia/anxiety). It wasn’t dulled and I could feel things. I don’t think I could laugh at things. I don’t think I even smiled? I could feel for my partner and my cat. That was terrifying when I had no feelings for my two constants, my loves. Music – having no feelings for it. It just made life so… blank. I was a literal zombie. I was no one. I had no thoughts. I had no words. I tried so hard to contribute at work and it frustrated me but I don’t think it even expressed how frustrating it was. I remember trying to have a conversation with someone in the office and I was spaced out like his words went over my head. Pretty sure he thought I was completely out of it. Lights on but no one was home. Trying to hold meetings was hard. Having to jot talking notes because words wouldn’t come out properly. I had no executive function. I could not think for myself. I practised my notes to make it sound natural, not robotic. It was so fucked up. I was struggling to keep my job. And I’m not even sure my manager knew how much I was struggling. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be at this job yet this very place also put me in this situation. I mean they were accommodating in that moment but I also felt like I was not worthy of that accommodation because I couldn’t contribute to the level I wanted to. That’s the high standard I have for myself unfortunately. I know my manager said, some days you’ll do great and others not so much and just focus on what you can in that moment. But the shitty thing is I couldn’t get myself to feel like I was accomplishing things. I didn’t get that satisfaction dopamine hit completing those tasks. I am fortunate for the team members who collab’d with me on getting training completed and tracking it. But man, that felt like a feat, moving a mountain. Still think more concrete hands on training is needed – internal working at heights training. Fuse modules are not effective. They’re a pencil whipping task, some where people memorize the answers because the training doesn’t make sense. It all defeats the purpose of the training.

I can see how my thoughts are now scattered at this moment. Fun times.

I was looking at cooked chicken breast strips at the grocery store the other day. It triggered a bit of a flash back to when I was on paliperidone and trying to make dinner. I had recently learned how to make my partner’s quesadilla recipe in Alberta. It was a yummy quesadilla but that time period was really messed up. Trying to even eat breakfast freaked me out. I’ve told this aspect to many people and I truly don’t think they understood this.

Prior to paliperidone, I would take about 15 minutes +/- to eat breakfast… not that I timed myself or was overly strict about how long it took. During 2024 when on paliperidone, it felt like it took a lot of effort and scared the shit out of me. I cannot even explain what it did to me. Making dinner had the same effect. The effort. How can effort – the act of making breakfast, lunch or dinner scare the crap out of you? It sounds so irrational. It sounds so implausible. It makes no sense when I say it. But it was so real and terrifying.

Living was terrifying. Waking up was terrifying. Mornings were terrifying. You try to sleep in but your brain is running through thoughts despite being half asleep. I had dreams about Lock-Out Tag-Out, I literally was afraid about workers getting injured. While CEOs are worried about profits (let’s be real, many will say this is what keeps them up at night), I’m worried about people dying on the job.

Every hour, every minute was terrifying. When people say, yeah, don’t dwell on 2024; let’s not go back to that. There’s some sort of trauma that has come out of that. I think one needs to process it to get over it.

Thinking of visiting my godmother has that memory of struggling to enjoy that summer come up. Inflate a stand-up paddle board, put it away. I couldn’t enjoy being on the water because the thought of having to pack up the paddle board kept bothering me. Again, this makes no sense to the rational brain.

Sitting on my mom’s patio trying to enjoy the summer weather and there’s that memory where I could not sit still because everything just was too intense. My abdomen was screaming. Internal akathisia. Anxiety. I don’t even know what to really call it. It fucked me up a lot. But why was it in my core? Why wasn’t it in my legs or arms or head? Why would my core “vibrate”? I mean – it didn’t technically vibrate but it felt like it. Psychiatrists didn’t really listen. “This doesn’t cause anxiety. It’s just more of a symptom of schizophrenia. We need to up your medication.”

It’s hard being on these medications. I feel like at times they can do more harm than good. Never thought it could cause a trauma like that. It makes me very cautious about taking Vyvanse.

When work does more harm to you than good.

Transitions are hard. My dentist, that has been around since childhood, retired back in Dec 2024. It has been hard trying to find a dentist because you want to find someone that will be around for a while. Have that stability. You look at those condo spaces that have medical spaces. Some end up empty. Some change tenants often. It ends up making me nervous that the medical team or dentist will leave and you’re now stuck trying to find another dentist. I’d rather be “loyal” to a dentist than shop around. Like it shouldn’t be a business but rather someone who cares about the work they do. Felt that way about my dentist. She cared. Then I hear stories from others and it sounds like they’re trying to sell you something you might not need. Kind of what happened to my partner. Some things sold can involve a lot of risks. Or dental clinics would confuse partners… like my BFF and his former partner and they’d book them for dental appointments thinking they were one person…. how do you confuse two people as one?

Suicide ideation is frustrating. I just feel done. I feel as if I’m being toyed with.

You want to laugh about it, or smirk at me with a dumb look, but this is the reality. (You know who you are). I feel like I don’t need to be here. So laugh if you want, if you’re a psychopath.

Been “blogging” or trying to talk about pertinent topics on LinkedIn. Sometimes it just feels so corporate homogenous marketing with little philosophical discussions on issues people deal with at work. Might be hard to get those topic convos going but I’ll just try. Doesn’t hurt right? Be a bit of that different blunt thought convo starter?

I do find the suicide ideation annoying. It comes and goes. It’s not intense. But I think I’m just frustrated with how things are at the moment. Sometimes I feel like I’m my mom because of how she talks about leaving and never coming back. It’s a scary thought.

On a side note: the sweetest thing that makes my heart melt is when my cat just puts her paw on my leg. It’s like she’s telling me to stop moving it. We’re really not worthy of animals.

Having group therapy sessions has been super helpful. In some sense you feel normal when surrounded by people who understand what you are going through, and can relate to “coming out” as neurodivergent can be scary depending on the workplace. Some workplaces can have toxic masculinity personas that make stupid comments about marginalized people and you put on a mask to fit in. But deep down it sucks.

In a male dominated industry, being out as a gay female is hard. You’re not sure who will treat you differently because you’re female AND gay. They’ll make crude jokes about lesbians, have half naked women calendars on their walls, make comments about clients being attractive… it’s odd. It’s a weird cave man mentality. Dudes beating their chests. Some cross lines of kissing your neck or tell you to sit on their lap. Contractors asking you out. It can be uncomfortable and awkward.

Or having clients who make jokes about gay people and you then need to pick and choose who you can come out to or not. I remember a client making a comment about one of their colleagues being gay (they were an overly flamboyant person) and stating that they wouldn’t get into an elevator alone with them. Because you are their “type”? Straight people need to stop thinking that every LGBTQ+ person is attracted to everyone and anyone.

If you’re comfortable with your coworkers, go for it. But if you feel like putting this information out there in your workplace will cause your coworkers to alienate you and you won’t be safe, don’t. But I think there are still ways to educate them by dropping facts around neurodivergence and advocating for different people. Having constructive conversations can be very beneficial.

I remember having a convo with a colleague around kids being exposued to the existence of LGBTQ+ people. This colleague thought that she shouldn’t allow her son be exposed to the existence of LGBTQ+ people. I explained that kids are inherently accepting of everyone when they’re young. They learn hatred as they grow up. If she’s not saying something terrible about LGBTQ+ people, his friends might and they’ll have that influence on him. Turns out she did have a family friend who was gay and understood that aspect of just normalizing LGBTQ+. It removes that stigma, that unknown of something different, that perpetuation of homophobia, transphobia, etc.

Same goes with normalizing neurodivergence. I think I’ve really opened up my eyes to what ASD is; I don’t think I’m any different from who I was last year. I know 3 languages; I love music, sports, art, photography; I deep dive into random topics; I finished university; I’ve held jobs for the majority of my career; I have amazing people in my life and I deeply care about them; I love animals; I like to tinker with things, etc. Neurodivergence, just like my sexual orientation, is just a fact, a sliver of my identity.

And people bullying others who are different – high needs autistic people, people with down syndrome, people with physical disabilities – really tells us what kind of people they are. Are these the people you strive to be? The example you want to give to your children and family? or do you want to do and be better?

I think back to this individual in group and it was interesting, he could relate because his sibling came out as trans. For someone who grew up on a farm, this was unheard of for him and here he was learning more about his sibling being trans. He loved and supported his sibling so he educated himself. And I think this is that approach we need in life. People meeting us halfway. If you truly care about your friends, colleagues, family members, you will try to understand and support them – whether it’s through self-education and having conversations while asking questions. Seeking to understand. It removes that fear of the unknown, that phobia, that judgement.

I do think if we are informed on other stigmatized topics (I think back to mental health and schizophrenia), we need to advocate for those individuals and make things right where the media and culture have “made many wrongs”.

Just when I thought the suicide ideation was gone, it hit today. I’m on a tread mill and these thoughts just don’t leave. It comes in waves. I just want to leave my phone at home and not be found. I’m just done with these games. Like I’m done. What do people want from me.

I’m exhausted. I’m confused about everything. I’m exhausted from being exhausted. I’d rather go out there and get some shots but there is no energy. I couldn’t even get around to making a coffee even though I really wanted one. Ended up just having a Red Bull but that didn’t even hit like a coffee does.

I got nothing. That’s it.

Never really thought about the different unspoken rules in different cultures. I do understand that there are differences in English and Polish culture during greetings – one you’re expected to say you’re good and the other says shit’s terrible.

Add the fact that a neurodivergent person has to further navigate through these cultures and unspoken rules. Do we just end up being sociologists? lol.

Trying to also analyze my mom and her friend talking – they’re pretty direct and I think it’s a great thing to be able to be direct and to the point rather than beat around the bush on the topic. I think there’s also the mixture of being Ukrainian which might beat around the bush and Polish culture that’s direct.

Though I think back to a Polish classmate at Iona telling me her dad was opening up a firm. Funny that I remember it was Grade 9 Geography class. (She had recently immigrated from Poland). And I asked “oh what kind of firm?” She just said a firm. LOL, bruh, I’m curious what kinda business he was opening up… but never found out. Not being weird about it just curious like how do people get into entrepreneurship or determine what business they want to get into. I’m not a business person, the logistics of it all is too much. Anyway – was she masking? or was I being too direct and curious and that was too weird for her?

I did find business university courses too dry. Doing a minor in HR was dry as heck. OHS was a good balance that attracted my curiosity with applied science. Not sure what it would be like now. If business courses would gain my attention or not.

Side thought – why are companies so archaic?

• Huge on paper or excel
• No or missing process
• Manual processes
• Expect workers to do more but don’t want to invest in resources that don’t work or expect them to not do the admin work but the processes don’t work
• You give them input but they say we don’t have the money or they implement something without your input and it doesn’t even work; garbage input; garbage output
• SharePoints that make no sense; either don’t have the necessary information or you can’t find their SharePoint
• or obsessed with PowerBI; PowerBI can do so much, but basing all of your content into it, it gets messy

I think about a worker comp company implemented and it was supposed to be a very innovative company supporting US and Canada but based in the US. What wasn’t disclosed was they didn’t even have personnel in Canada and outsourced this service to a third party. Their software? Not intuitive. Didn’t give the data you wanted. And those who would have needed to use this weren’t even included as stakeholders.

Quintessentially exhausted of inefficiencies.