AuDN4T

Why is it that I have to live up to an expectation? Set by who?

I have gone through so much shit in the last 3 years. Where my body was struggling with stress. Resulting in multiple trips to see doctors – who wouldn’t really fix the problem. And I wasn’t really seen by my partner when these things would come up. I felt like I wasn’t seen in those health situations. There was a moment where my insides felt irritated like I had a gallbladder issue, but I don’t think it was a gallbladder issue. I have no idea what it was. But my body was just screaming at me that it’s struggling. But I wasn’t seen. My struggle wasn’t seen.

So when I’m trying to take time to process the last 3 years – I’m being told I’m lazy, I’m not considering other people’s feelings. But I wasn’t considered in the first place, was I?

Am I supposed to bow to everyone and jump on command to everyone’s expectations? Find another job that burns me out again? Result in suicide?

Like am I just no one? Am I not supposed to have thoughts? Or think? Or analyze this world? Or take care of my body until I am ready to do so?

Why am I not seen for me? Why am I expected to go to sleep at a certain time? Why do people get pissed at me because I don’t fit a box? My sleep has always been delayed but I’m always punished for it.

It’s one thing to walk on eggshells but it’s another thing to not have a conversation and understanding something and accepting it. It feels like its a continual loop of yeah – I’m scared because I’m the only one with a job. Ok, but we have savings. Yes, we might dip into them. I thought we were a team? Aren’t we supposed to look out for one another? Talk without building up an idea in our head how things should work? Come to a middle ground?

This isn’t about who’s right, or who is more right.

Am I supposed to make myself small and not be a person? Not have my voice or individuality?

Am I a loser for not having a job right now? Does a job define my status as a person? Does education define that status? I’ve heard of many people stepping out of their careers and jobs because of how their job burnt them out. Are they any less than? Is it that shitty to take a fucking break? I’m holding my breath doing my work because it can be intense – maybe this is my breather.

I keep struggling with my mom with the topic of who I am. She continuously gets upset that I am not who she envisions me to be.

It’s hard when parents put these expectations on their kids. They need to play soccer or hockey or baseball or do dance lessons because it’s what the parent thinks is best for their kid. This isn’t to say I didn’t like bandura. I enjoyed it. And still do. I don’t know how to get things to be accommodating where I feel comfortable with going to practice. Every day feels exhausting. Having schedules for the gym, for therapy, go to the grocery store, go to my mom’s. The energy levels suck and I think if mentally adding on more, it sucks more energy levels. This isn’t to say that bandura doesn’t bring me joy. Just everything is a lot. Tack on kids, and I can’t imagine how people do it when you’re struggling with your mental health. They probably don’t, you don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. What social media doesn’t show. What people want to frame is what is shown. You don’t hear the upset parents who might lose it and yell at their kids or hide in the bathroom to have some quiet time.

Maybe parents send their kids to these extracurriculars to get away from their kids…lol?

I mean, you’re not technically supposed to air your laundry in public or online. But that’s the reality of the world, no? Everyone has their crap they deal with one way or another. I don’t think people have ideal family lives.

It bothers me when I see my friends struggling with their parents not accepting them as LGBTQ+. Kids just want to be accepted by their life givers. We’ll seek for that approval from them one way or another – as people of who we are as a whole. Masking who you are is very exhausting. Not being able to bring your significant other home to your parents is saddening.

I know some have it easy when their parents are open and accepting. Being kind to those who don’t have that privilege goes a longs way. Being their extended family means the world – a lot of LGBTQ+ kids end up being disowned by their families. We need to do a better job caring for each other.

I can’t imagine what it’s like being a BIPOC person and getting the double whammy of the LGBTQ+ label – discrimination not only for the heteronormative world but also within the LGBTQ+ world. These people don’t have the privilege to mask – their differences are visible …which should not be an issue to anyone but it still ends up being an issue for some.

Going from a very homogenous elementary school, to a slightly more diverse high school to a more diverse university and much more diverse workforce, you learn so much. You meet so many different people. You unlearn biases taught by parents. You realize how a city like Toronto is a world within a city.

You learn despite visible or invisible disabilities or differences, people with differences in appearance – they can excel at anything and create amazing things when supported and are found in a safe environment.

I’ve been debating street photography for quite some time now. I enjoy it – you see candid moments between people and environments. You see a glimpse into a moment of time and it’s gone in a second, a minute or an hour. It both takes me out of my comfort zone but also lets me regulate/ground me in very busy city environments.

On another hand, you have people who feel uncomfortable about it. They may argue that it may be an invasion of privacy. Label it as creepy. The idea that creepers are out there taking photos of kids or women.

When it’s a well composed photo – it’s not creepy. It can tell a story, it can be funny, it can bring up emotion, it can stir up thoughts and questions. It doesn’t always have to stir thoughts to all audience. It can be a personal thought that gets stirred for the photographer. Not all art is always understood; everyone has various perspectives and interpretations.

I think about this photo in this post – I got lucky with framing Honest Ed’s “Buy Something” and capturing these two individuals walking down the street with a plant… I don’t think Honest Ed did sell plants though lol. But it could have brought the viewer to question consumerism and an obvious paradox of the movie “They Live”. I’m glad I got this photo in time. It’s that sliver of a moment that just worked and got recorded. And now Honest Ed’s is gone and we have these memories of this place – whether we shopped there or passed by it on the sidewalk. It was a staple of this ever changing city we call Toronto.

I think back to a photographer who took a photo of a homeless person sleeping outside of a Toronto church. One might question this ethically. Is it okay to photograph people who are struggling? But we can flip it to, is it okay to exclude them from our every day lives, pretend like they’re not there? Part of this city? We’ve had mayors who would clear the streets of homeless people for world events held at the city – what kind of message does this provide? That there is no poverty? That they are an eye sore in this city? This is the reality of this world. We have poor and rich people. We have healthy and ill people. We have young and old. We have people from all over the world. Do I hesitate about taking photos of some people? Yes, I am afraid of their reactions. They might not know my intent. I simply want to document that moment. There’s also the thought that people think I’m a tourist – but that was a thought when I initially started getting into photography – that stereotype that everyone with a camera is a tourist. The individual who took the photo of the homeless person ended up getting a thank you message from a family relative of the homeless person telling them their story. They were thankful to have some sort of last memory. This also stirs up conversations around mental health and homelessness. How are we working on these topics? What are we doing to correct these topics? What are we doing to educate ourselves on these topics and people who are impacted by mental health and homelessness?

I think about Google Maps and seeing my Great Aunt at her home without her face blurred. It’s been 5 years since she’s passed. But seeing her face was a nice surprise. It was surprising but it was a pleasant surprise. Seeing her there at her home. Showing family members this also resulted in a positive reaction. I’m glad that Google didn’t blur her face.

I think if things are done in a respectful manner, it’s ethically acceptable. I fear about showing someone in an unflattering moment, and I try my best to show them in a positive light. Though in some personal occasions candid moments are kind of funny. I think if these images are posted and the person requests to have the image taken down, this could be a fair request.

One could also argue that the person in the photo is not them. It could be their doppelganger. There are many people out there that look like others. People also change so much over the years and who knows, it could or could not be that person. I look different in the workplace in comparison to my personal life.

Trying to get a person’s permission ahead of time will defeat the purpose of the photo because now they’re aware of being photographed and will lose that candidness of the moment.

You can look at the works of Henri Cartier-Bresson and Vivian Maier and see how epic these photographers were for their time creating very candid compositions. Without them, you wouldn’t have these pieces of art. And I know some might argue if photography is art but I do think it can be.

Part of being open about my photography, I worry about being seen as a liability to an employer with the photos I take. Not that they are depicting injury to people. But rather just topics that question our current world. Politics thoughts. Thoughts criticizing our politicians. And rightfully so. We do not have affordable housing. We have people who are struggling mentally and accessing affordable housing and safe injection sites. We have genocides occurring in this world. Do we feel comfortable with all of this?

Simply taking a photograph of an empty city doesn’t really tell the true story of a city. If we’re looking for an empty space, you’re looking for a ghost town. People make that city and street photography is one way to depict that city. How people interact with that city. It’s why I avoid trying to take photos of empty space when travelling. People make that space. Without people, that space wouldn’t be what it is today.

It’s heart breaking and frustrating when my mom can’t see me for me.

I’m supposed to be this image in her head. Fit her expectations. I shouldn’t have done a degree in OHS. It wasn’t a good idea to apply for Radiation Sciences. I should have been an optometrist or a veterinarian. But then she also saw me working in some office space. So what is it? Neither of those are in an office space. Taking care of people and the environment is like being a vet or a doctor. I’ve had profs say that OHS and PH is like saving lives… proactively. Before injuries occur, before disorders and health effects develop. I think it’s that whole idea that parents want their kids to be doctors. If not a physician taking care of people, then animals. Ok, but what if I had a PhD in a topic. Would that suffice me hitting that doctor requirement or expectation? lol. I’m pretty specialized, but also very broad in the topics I enjoy; more knowledgeable in some topics than others, but many topics interest me.

I’m supposed to dress a certain way. This has been the case for majority of my life. I’ve had classmates make fun of me because of some of the clothing I wore that my mom dressed me in. I had some say in what I could wear. Some, but not always. I didn’t have that full autonomy on what I could wear. It had to be a certain way. I mean she did judge my dad for how he dressed and I could see how he didn’t fit the mould of what was expected to be worn. Was he cringe for being a Rod Stewart look alike? Yes. But at the same time, I think it’s also important to be able to express yourself in how you want to… through your clothing style, accessories, music, art, etc. Forcing someone to be something they’re not will not make them more happier. It will turn them into a shell of a person. Build resentment towards the person trying to change them, expect them to dress a certain way. Do this, not do that.

Having expectations to do this is or that …is exhausting. Having the parent expect you to do this while using guilt trips and shifting their tone of vocal. I’ve started to get triggered by the change in tone of voice. Being told that there was a moment that I distanced myself from her and we lost contact. Lost contact? In what sense? Having control over who I should be? Not trying to understand who I am? Not learning? Seeing me for who she wants me to be?

Reflecting – I unknowingly self-regulated myself during in elementary and high school where I had a lot of extracurricular commitments; volleyball, Ukrainian dancing, ballet, girls technique dancing, Ukrainian music ensemble and solo practices, Ukrainian language school (after school or on Saturdays). It was a lot. And having to quit cold turkey with some, it was upsetting to my mom. When my grandmother passed away, I just had to stop Ukrainian dancing. When I took on Ukrainian language school, I stopped volleyball. Did that upset my coach? I think so. It upset me as well. I really enjoyed volleyball, I liked the team and coach. But it was a lot. I put up boundaries unknowingly. It wasn’t that I thought through it all for a long period of time, it was just a quick abrupt end to the activity. Kind of a subconscious decision. Even when going to these practices, she’d turn on talk radio in the car – this was dysregulating. Having music and headphones in my own bubble helped regulate myself. Cars can be safe in some situations but also not comfortable… especially if the driver is jerky. My mom is a bit of jerky driver. I think the jerkiness has progressed over time? Jerky – I mean – abrupt braking, over-correction with the steering wheel. This felt uncomfortable in my body. In my back? I guess that’s why I’ve trained myself to try to be a smoother driver?

I think the fact of being critical of other drivers I got from my mom. Seeing her criticize other drivers also got implanted on me?

I don’t think I was always this triggered while driving. It didn’t seem people drove stupidly often. Something did get switched in my head after a certain point. Standing at a red light, I was worried I wouldn’t move fast enough when the green light hit. Something in my head triggered me to hit the gas more. I wasn’t sure if it was the car next to me or the car behind me. If someone would honk for not moving fast enough at a green light. It was weird. I can’t explain it. I’ve tried to moderate it.

Yes, I might not be working, but I am working on myself. I am processing the last three or five years of chaos… or even 15 years. Working on myself is hard. It’s hard trying to figure out what works, what doesn’t. What thoughts have been painful to acknowledge or confront head on. It’s also hard trying to work on yourself and others not understanding what you are going through. What struggles you are going through.

I think some family members do recognize that there’s a bit too much smothering… if that’s the right term to use here. But do they accept me for me? I know I have some that do. Others, I’m not sure. I know their children do, but the older generation is old school. That’s kind of the world of Slavic families. If they move to the “new world”, they cling onto the “old world” and the religious ideologies. Meanwhile, the “old world” starts to progress where it can; look at protecting human rights for all. But “old world” immigrants in “new world” countries end up being stuck in this weird twilight zone.

I’m told I’m being manipulated. In what sense? I’ve been critically thinking about this world. I’ve been trying to see different perspectives. One can argue that some religious institutions will state this is how the world should operate in these narrow confines of this box and anything else outside of it is wrong. Everyone is different. Differences exist. What was considered feminine 500 years ago is defined differently today. Pink was considered a male colour centuries ago and today is associated with femininity. We’re just being socially constructed to believe what is right and wrong, what’s acceptable and not acceptable. What’s acceptable in Canada might not be considered to be acceptable in Japan – tattoos for example. But what is acceptable? How do we define it? Are they based on superstitions or generalizations or historical artefacts? We can look at the swastika. When we see it today, we associate it with genocide, extreme hate, anti-antisemitism. But what has it represented in other cultures before WWII? It’s found on pysankas. I’ve had a teacher (of Dutch descent) lose his mind when he saw a “swastika” on a pysanka. But it represents the sun in Ukrainian ancient culture. Many other cultures had the “swastika” in their art and it represents various things.

Imposing one’s views and expectations on another person isn’t justifiable because it’s “right” or “correct”. It’s constricting, it’s suffocating. It prevents growth and innovation.

Maybe we need more people taking on philosophical courses? Learn to question things. Be curious. Consider the Enlightenment period where we had Copernicus change how the world and universe were seen.

Why should we impose stereotypes on women, men, non-binary people, BIPOC people, LGBTQ+, people with disabilities (visible and invisible), and other marginalized people that I might be missing here? They’re people. They’re individuals. Just like with autistic people – they have so many different traits. One autistic person =/= all autistic person. Generalizations and categorizations can be very hurtful and unproductive. Getting to know a person opens up the world for you. Being in a very cultural city can be eyeopening. You meet many people from different parts of the world. You hear their stories. You hear about privilege. You hear about struggles, living and surviving through war. This is where sociology can have lines blurred because you might want to categorize and generalize people and there might be some generalizations to be made but there will always be differences in views, experiences and thought. Kids growing up in suburbs vs kids growing up in the city vs affluent families vs single parent families. There are so many factors involved. A person is a person and they shouldn’t be viewed any differently from another person. Their worth, experience, thought, view is not less than anyone else.

This is why “liberal arts” courses in universities are critical. They give you tools to think outside of the box, get out of your comfort zone learning new languages, different topics outside of your core education, try out a different topic you’re curious about.

It was kind of messed up; I feel like the experiences with unpleasant individuals overshadowed a lot of the positive. This is super unfortunate because there were many positives that came out of it. Many great people and friends made.

The first day I got to the building I didn’t have much instructions on how to get in. So I messaged the person I was meeting – the HR Partner. I wasn’t sure if I needed card access to get into the elevator or on the floor. Conducting many projects in office buildings, my understanding is they all vary with security levels (some provide you an escort to walk the floors while others give you card; some required card access in the elevator, others had a foyer in the elevator lobby). In those instances I’d rather meet my site contact downstairs, which is what I ended up doing in that situation…. I even did that when visiting our Texas office. I spoke with the downstairs front desk person.

The orientation was interesting… It was a quick show of workday, the company website and the training website. Workday had a bit of an intro to the org structure. This part was overwhelming realizing how big the org was (bigger coverage in support levels in comparison to my previous organization). The HR Partner asked if I was bilingual to which I responded that I was trilingual – it’s kind of a funny question/answer situation because technically I am bilingual + 1. But not in the traditional sense of what bilingualism means in Canada. It seemed like this is where the tone shifted. I sense that this person expected the person in my position was to be bilingual but she had no control over this because she was not in the position to dictate this. Later on you end up realizing there is a control aspect in this person’s views. If it is not in their control they are upset about the situation.

With respect to the bilingual aspect – the people hired in Quebec are also hired as bilingual but it’s not feasible to have every person in the organization to be bilingual (BC, SK, MB). Not everyone in the country will be bilingual unfortunately. There will be people in Montreal that are English speakers and there will be French speakers. Some may struggle in the other language; however, this is the reality of the situation. Having leadership that oversees people is not always French speaking – this is the case for the GM and the industry DM. Marketing and communication are not bilingual either. Speaking with the team members in Quebec – I have always had a positive experience. I’ve respected the French language as much as I could. I’ve always been grateful when our TM who would translate for us. I did have a situation with a contractor that did act unsafely on a scissor lift and they turned this in an awkward situation. I just want them to be safe nothing more, nothing less. But in general, I’ve had great relationships with those team members in Quebec and I do wish I was able to get them that training the industry required despite management arguing that they weren’t really workers in the construction industry. The training gave them a good basis and understanding of risks in the industry. Overall, I think there should just be a standardized training program for all of Canada. This would make it easier for a lot of employers.

Anyway back to the orientation. I was told to put in my email signature but the link provided was missing. It was weird trying to navigate branding but things were not working. We had lunch at Basil Box, we talked a bit about worker comp and her experience with an STD case. We talked about cycling and that she was into mountain biking. I thought that was cool. Told my former manager that I thought this person was cool (if only I knew what would come in the coming months and year). She did say that global was working on a global program for the system but didn’t think it was possible and how the past person put together different programs. Trying to get access to them was impossible; though I ended up getting this later from my colleague in the US.

After a certain time hit, she ended up leaving and I just sat there like… that’s it? lol. This seemed to be a typical process – coming in at 8am and leaving around 2 or 3pm. Not that I really cared but also just silly when you expect others to be in the office at a certain time but there’s an exception to others. I understand that some people want to beat traffic but the consistency.

I tried to be in the office every day at the beginning. Kind of a commitment I made because I’ve had comments from people working in facilities that there’s a double standard between those working in the field are there but others sit at home. I remember mentioning this to the GM at the time saying from an optics standpoint, I wanted to be in the office because logistics or store TMs have to be on-site. Fair is fair, right? A standard I created of sorts for myself.

Over time, my presence in the office became less. Eventually I avoided the days that the HRP and the rest of the team was there because of situations during meetings where the vibe from this person was a bit too aggressive and judgemental or controlling? The structures of the meetings were not easy to follow through because you were supposed to bring up topics what you need help with. At first I just brought up topics I was working on but she thought I needed help with this. I tried to adjust my approach the following meetings and would bring up topics I needed help with. If a topic was brought up about drug and alcohol with contractor safety at mining client facilities – I was shut down – but it was kind of an angry response. I couldn’t even explain why something needed to be done. It just got more uncomfortable.

You notice you end up being treated differently. Newly hired HR specialists get flowers and gifts… you never really got that but were considered part of this team. Not that I was asking for flowers or gift packs but it felt weird when one person asks you why you’re not really meshing with this team but then on another hand, you see you are treated differently. They end up doing a Halloween team costume and ask you if you want to be apart of it. One person ends up making the costume for everyone while you make yours and it’s completely different from everyone else’s because two people made them in two different styles – one person made 6 costumes and another one made 1 separate one. Again, you end up feeling left out. But you’re expected to fit in but you’re subtly isolated. You’re expected to sit at their table during lunch but you’re not comfortable speaking because whatever you say will be used against you. I didn’t feel comfortable sitting in that cubicle area. Having to move desks to accommodate new HR TMs was crappy and again subtly telling you you’re not really part of the team.

There was a point where I ended up just not feeling good. I ended up feeling nauseous in ’23. I had a hard time eating. I wasn’t eating properly. I couldn’t look at certain foods and I couldn’t quite figure it out. Lost a lot of weight where it was noticeable even on camera. Started to feel impact on my body. Would wake up at 2 or 3am in the morning and couldn’t sleep. My eyes felt off. Turned out it was dry eyes. But at the moment it felt like they were popping out of my head. I can’t even explain how messed up I felt. Had a lot of visits to health clinics. A couple of visits to the ER. One ended up with a kidney stone – still don’t know how that ended up happening… could it have been the one antibiotic I was on and not hydrating enough? I’m not sure.

The kidney stone was traumatic. I’ve never felt something so painful in my life. Driving myself to the hospital was a terrible idea. How they handled my pain was extremely poor. I’ve never thrown up so much bile from pain. I couldn’t look at having bananas for a while because that was the last thing I had to eat. The male nurse asking how I was doing and saying I’ve had better days, resulting in him doing a mental health check up felt a bit messed up. Not getting the pain medication and continuously throwing up in the waiting area was messed up. Being told by the same nurse to throw up in the washroom was very counter intuitive… there was a chance I’d miss hearing being pulled into getting my CT scan. I would have had to stay in the bathroom. But the solution to this should have been pain medication. Even prior to the CT scan I was throwing up in the corridor. The technician was checking in if I was ok. The heat produced by the CT scan was the best minute or so of that ordeal. The silly thing is I ended up getting pain medication after 3 or 4 hours and ended up getting to sleep on bed before getting the doctor to diagnose that I had a kidney stone. Doctors and nurses need to listen better (I’m lucky with my current family doctor).

There was the colonoscopy because of stomach issues I had after a trip to Vancouver. Pretty sure I got food poisoning from the restaurant at the airport. I think it was the hoisin sauce. Had a similar experience with hoisin sauce at a Vietnamese restaurant. It seems like it was sitting on the table for quite some time which could be why it could have resulted in food poisoning.

There was also a point where I was having coffee and all of a sudden my coffee was tasting salty and I couldn’t figure it out. This is when my eyes were starting to feel more dry and my mouth was getting dry at night. I’d have to have water by my bed side. I’d fall asleep with water in my mouth. I’d go through different eye drops. Tears didn’t do much when it got bad. I needed to get more lubricating type eye drops. The wild thing is that the antipsychotic medication did cause my eyes to produce more tears and my mouth was not as dry. Once I got off the medication, the dry mouth was back and I had to use Xylimelts… these really helped a lot. The dry eyes and dry mouth subsided significantly but there are still moments where they do get dry. I’m not sure if it’s when I’m stressed or if I’ve had certain beers that could cause this?

The crazy thing was every time I opened up my teams, certain people would pop up when searching. To this day I don’t know if this based on an algorithm or if it was based on who had recently checked your profile in teams. But that particular HRP would come up. I remember being at a company annual meeting and spiralling. One person is talking about DEI and his son and here I am spiralling over some detail (I can’t remember what that detail was). I think this was the beginning of my mental health crisis. I remember asking a fellow colleague what she thought about the whole situation and the dynamics around this and she did say she could sense there’s some very uncomfortable moments between the two of us.

Throw in the teams message to the DM about the concerns around the set up demo equipment and people not wearing safety footwear and him lashing out. That definitely added to the stress. Having this person go to one of my managers who messaged my other manager on this and telling me to back off. The messages were not intense or problematic. I was simply stating facts. Having this person later basically have me eat crap during a hash out conversation was not fun. Saying I’m just support and mansplaining to me about health and safety. It was a really crappy conversation. This behaviour didn’t stop there. He continued the condescending tone and mansplaining in other meetings. To the point where I was questioning what am I really doing here? Do I even know what I’m doing… as I’m struggling with paliperidone and having insane akathisia and feeling suicidal. It did feel like an injury similar to the kidney stone. 11/10.

Having to go on another STD to figure this out felt like I failed or like I wasn’t worthy enough for it. I was also worried about how many sick/wellness days I had left – it was terrifying. I can’t articulate my psyche around this time period. Having that one person who attributed to this – asking my colleague what the details are around my leave. Not acceptable.

The HR development days – they didn’t feel the same when they were online – some people would leave the office halfway through. If you wanted to pay attention to the speaker, you’d have to shush people in the room who were talking and get yelled at for shushing them. Having the meeting in person with everyone in TX in ’25 felt more engaging and got people bonding; thought it felt like a lot of topics all at once. Being told the slides would be available… but not having them provided sucked. Having marketing and an DM doing the ’24 HR development day was not very memorable. I was on paliperidone, I was struggling to stay awake. I just remember the DM said to throw in some curse words during the story telling but also condescending to colleagues.

Seeing the HR team go through 2 specialists was a hit to morale. Both were really cool people and I learned a lot from them.

The food selections for meetings felt too homogeneous at times. Variety would have been nice. It was nice to have Basil Box the one time we got it in the office.

Having your workiversary not accounted for during office celebrations sucked. It was nice to have leaders celebrate it including your birthday. Unfortunately I did not feel comfortable with the local HR group teams chat. I did enjoy the original team with facilities – getting to understand their work and bonding over memes of workiversaries and bdays. Those got pretty creative.

Team Camp – HR vs. WS team… it was day and night but it should be noted that I was kinda going through it with the medication and forgetting it and having a hard time getting a prescription in the US. I think I wasted maybe ~$100CAD on Ubers to get to a walk-in clinic and hospital. I did enjoy the team in OK and the work we did to determine this we needed to work on. The HR one just had a sense of tension in the room and tack on the person leading it making a comment about me not being part of the team and suggesting I needed coaching. I’m sure it came from a good place but it just did not feel like a safe space in this moment when the HRP was caught gossiping about me with her. The dumb thing was that I was also grouped together with the HRP for determining what I thought I needed to change and she suggested I get out of H&S. Again – making me feel unsafe. I’m not sure why I was stuck having to do this exercise with her when she was continuously picking at me.

I’ll stop here for now. There’s more to be said but I’m getting sleepy.

Met up with a friend from university today. It’s funny, I initially thought I’d take the TTC, then I flip-flopped and thought maaaaaybe I’ll take the car. Then went back to taking the TTC, and back to taking the car. Went back and forth maybe a couple of times until I decided on the TTC since it would give me more opportunities for photos. I guess it was that trade off on getting a walk in, photos and dealing with noise levels on the TTC and people getting into your personal space.

Interesting to see one guy spread his legs on the seat preventing anyone sitting next to him. Another guy sat next to me but crossed his legs. Seemed more respectful about space.

Getting out of the subway, I ended up taking a walk and get some shots in with the Bloor Viaduct. Interesting to see a phone number up around suicide distress. Again, not sure how effective this is if someone is in crisis. The engineering control of having the metal rods preventing someone is more effective that what the Golden Gate Bridge has. Though there are some areas where someone could bypass the rods on the ends of the bridge. This is just really a bandaid solution because if someone really wants to commit suicide, they’ll look for another way – if it’s not bridge, it’ll be the subway. Goes back to needing to work on figuring out how we can better understand emotional dysregulation, burnout and work to prevent this. I will admit, there are some moments where the ideation still sometimes comes up. Things can feel intense.

Getting to the cafe was a bit intimidating. Not that I was nervous meeting up with my friend but more so trying to find my friend in the crowd or being the first one there. It’s an odd anxiety issue I tend to deal with when entering a room. Not sure if it’s an RSD thing? Or worries about being in a loud space.

But on a positive note, it was quiet this afternoon and it was easy to find her (she was the only one there) so the anxiety definitely decreased when I was able to find her.

Typically in a busy space, I’d end up texting the friend I’m meeting up with checking in to see if they’re already at the restaurant/cafe or not.

The convo was awesome – it felt like I saw her not too long ago. I’ve always enjoyed those conversations with her. Though I was at one point worried I wasn’t asking enough questions – I’m always checking in on myself on that… Am I contributing enough?

It felt like we ended up talking about a lot – mental health, catch up on work and family. Sometimes I’m also just concerned I won’t remember all of the information spoken about because there’s so much bouncing off topics. I was a bit surprised that she remembered that I liked cycling and stand-up paddling.

It’s unfortunate that trying to get a diagnosis in ADHD, it has been impossible for her based on her responses and the DSM-5 criteria and hearing that her husband has gone through burnout from work. How are workplaces really treating people? And WSIB wouldn’t even consider workers comp on this likely because it is a workload issue. But… the employer forced this person to take on a bigger workload. How is this humanly possible? Just force people to be robots until they crap out and tap out? This isn’t something OHIP should pay for, nor should it be something that EI should pay for. This is something the employer should pay for through worker’s compensation because they are causing this – they are the causal factor in this instance.

But also how are employers accommodating invisible disabilities? Or rather, invisible differences? I look at the training provided and it’s not adequate for those with different learning abilities. I know of leaders who try to be accommodating but need more resources on how to get their workers to be more focused. Adult learning is different. Online training that barely scrapes the barrel is barely compliance. It doesn’t make a person competent. Competency requires knowledge, training and experience. If a person doesn’t have that experience (hands-on training); how will they truly know how to perform something? A computer screen training doesn’t train you how to stop a car or parallel park.

I’m feeling bittersweet for my friend – I thought she wanted to get into journalism, but realize how hard it is to get into it. It’s not something I really considered – requiring to be continuously trying to pitch stories. I can’t imagine the anxiety it would cause some who have to think about this and trying to pay for bills. Journalism has changed – comparing it from 2006 to 2026… newspapers have for the most part become obsolete. It’s unfortunate, I liked the old school days when you picked up a newspaper and read it on the train ride home or to school. It sounds like there’s ethical issues around reporting as well which is concerning.

I am happy that she has found a workplace where she can feel like she is contributing to this world. I understand abortion clinics can be a touchy topic with religious people; however, they do have a place in this world. This friend is the most open-minded person I know and that is what I love about her. She tries to understand things (though we once had an argument about transit… but that’s cool lol, no hard feelings, just differing opinions). It does bum me out that she and her partner haven’t been able to increase their income. She’s a very knowledgeable person who can make so many changes in this world. She’s also a very safe person to talk to. I do feel guilty I’ve been able to go on more trips than she has… it’s kind of unfair. People work their butts off, burnout and can’t travel as much… even travel within Canada is stupidly expensive. I love how she can be truly herself without masking on topics that can be seen too sexual in this world. What’s wrong with vagina art? Men tend to draw dick pics. Her art is actual art. It’s a very creative outlet that she can express herself.

Overall, it felt like a healthy conversation around mental health and sharing of experiences. Though I should probably avoid accidentally insinuating that someone is ASD. But we need to start normalizing and accepting neurodivergence and differences (when they are not hurting people or children).

I’m struggling a bit. Why did the org say I’m a key employee in the contract? That feels like a strong word or term to use?

Reflecting on org structures – you realize how inefficient they are when people game processes. Are they truly using them how they were built or just trying to add a notch on their belt? Are they truly good Kaizen leaders or people who managed to get enough Kaizen projects? I’m not sure but from experience it felt like people were just trying to get that notch on their belt.

It is a bit ironic that an org will try to implement lean, GEMBA, RCA, Kaizen but not really know how to implement or utilize them.

• GEMBA walks being used interchangeably as monthly inspections; GEMBA being completely misinterpreted;
• 5S is a quick online training but not actually followed;
• RCA – again no thorough process in training – many will not know how to utilize RCA completely. PEMEP is a best practice to add onto RCA;
• Kaizen – there have been a couple of projects where the necessary stakeholders were never included and compliance issues were potentially missed;
• CIPs – topics that stakeholders need to be looped into are not; managers don’t know and don’t think to steer workers to the necessary stakeholders – the idea of CIPs can be missed and waste of time
• Lean is talked about but at times it feels like leaders use it as an excuse to get out of tasks or duties they should be performing – thinking about a QC RC leader

It feels like someone decided to slap on these different processes but never really structured them properly and their implementation became a Frankenstein of sorts.

Bringing in a HSE consultant is smart, but I think it’s also important to have people with HSE backgrounds to try to lead further. The unstructured complex vision gets messy. Having no global voice talking about safety send a message that it’s not there. Trying to implement safety committees gets confusing because of local legislation on JHSC. I’d prefer to have JHSCs for those different departments in each country but have a structured global format on HSE with stats and programs that then get further reported to each regional GM. But it is on the GM to talk about HSE with their workers. They, along with their leadership are responsible to report to their workers on HSE in their region… with transparency. If PPE purchases are taking forever to get through, they respond why. They make the shots they should have to respond to this. They talk about incidents that have occurred (keeping the worker anonymous). Incident shares would have to be shared globally ensuring all can learn from them… even if there were differences in processes… there’s something to learn from them.

Speaking with my godmother today, she brought up an incident where her son’s friend was sharing of suicidal feelings at the age of 13.

This is a tricky situation to be in. Bullying can be hard on kids. Fitting in school is also difficult because not everyone is popular. Being different can make you an outcast. This is more prominent when you are neurodivergent.

For me, bullying was a bit of an issue in elementary school – grades 3-8. Had people name call or make stupid jokes about me. Did it affect my self-esteem? Yeah. There were moments where I’d look into the mirror and think yeah, I’m not a good looking person.

High school – there wasn’t THAT much bullying, though there were situations with 2 classmates where things got weird. But boys in the neighbourhood did insinuate I was promiscuous for dating someone in the neighbourhood. Guys are not cool in that instance.

I did fall for a friend/classmate in Grade 9. I really just liked the vibe with this person. Telling her was a bad idea. She did tell some classmates about me liking her and that scared me so it put me back into the closet. It’s not quite comfortable being out as a gay person in a Catholic high school. I don’t think a lot of kids in our high school were comfortable being out. I know of maybe 3 or 4 people in our grade that are LGBTQ+. They did end up coming out later on after high school. But coming out while in high school was unheard of. I’m not sure how things are at the current moment at our high school. If kids feel comfortable about coming out. It would be interesting to find out.

I do recall one of our teacher being asked what he would do if his son came out and he said he’d disown him. Or that he could not be gay. It was upsetting that a teacher you look up to, has this view.

Anyway, I did have a hard time in grade 9 when my grandmother passed away. Also navigating questioning who I was. Not finding those people in high school so you tend to find people online. (though I’ve lost touch with those people). There was a moment where I did write a letter to someone from camp about how I was feeling and she sent it to my mom. The conversation with my mom didn’t go well.

I think we need to educate kids and schools on mental health and have open discussions on these topics. Normalize them. Girls will be more open about feelings (unless they’re not with parents). Boys will have a harder time vocalizing or articulating their feelings. Again, I’m not a professional on this topic nor am I a sociologist. I don’t know how high school kids have progressed in 20 years. Do they speak more about mental health? It could vary depending if they come from a progressive family or are first gen Canadian. A convo I had with a young male adult at CAMH talked about how his friends were very candid about mental health and were able to have these discussions. Was he and his group of friends an outlier? or is the new reality of kids these days?

I think if a parent is aware of suicide ideation of a child, they need to be careful with how they handle the situation to not further traumatize the child. Kids can really clam up and shut up about things going on at school. If they have a transparent relationship with their parents, I think they’re super lucky…. teenage years can be very volatile. They’re awkward. Kids are awkward during these years. That’s just the reality of it. Some parents are there, others are not. Parents have different parenting styles. No one is consistent because of how different everyone is. But I think one thing that needs to be consistent is talking about mental health. Educating ourselves about it. Reading various research topics on it. My fear is that misinformation and disinformation will affect how society will truly perceive it. We saw what COVID disinformation on facebook did. Science for me is the gold standard – public health professionals are the specialists on this topic. And as much I want to say that mental health professionals are the professionals on these topics – I wish they were more progressive on neurodivergence to have a better understanding on the topic and make the necessary impact that is required. I don’t mean impact from a controlling manner (here’s some drugs, we’re managing your mental health this way) but from a professional manner – listening, assessing how to communicate this information and execute it in the right manner.

Outside of school – as a society we need to do better. Educate the public on these topics – neurodivergence, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, addiction, etc. There’s a lot of stigma around these. I still stand by doing right by schizophrenia. I feel like this is a very heavily stigmatized diagnosis. I’ve had a doctor say to not tell anyone this is my diagnosis (when I was misdiagnosed). He was an older person. But even then. You expect doctors to continuously develop professionally and better understand new topics and research coming out.

I find conversations around mental health can feel very hollow. Bell Let’s Talk Day – What are we really talking about? I don’t think a lot of people really know. They might know of a person struggling or had a person suddenly commit suicide. I’ve seen both. But I never really understood these topics until I started researching myself.

I think we also need to look at our psychiatric facilities. Determine if they’re really suitable for those struggling. I remember (while my mind was in a haze), hearing a young woman being brought to CAMH talk about feeling triggered… being brought there. Is the psychiatric hospital well equipped to bring people in and keep them safe? or are they further triggering and traumatizing patients?

I think having a phone available helps keep patients available to friends and families. Having short phone cables is critical as well (though I was paranoid at the time that they were tapping into my phone; I really struggled with trust during that time period).

I remember one instance where a patient set their bed on fire years ago… When I was there, I think they did a good job ensuring all personal belongings were free of items that would contribute to injuries. Though there was an instance where they provided clothing that had a string in a hoodie or pants that could result in someone using this to commit suicide.

Design of the hospital or psychiatric unit is also critical. I recall one hospital where a psychiatric unit had a death because a patient was able to find a plan… could be stalls, clothing, door handles, etc. I think that’s the last place a hospital/psychiatric unit wants to be in. Having a patient they’re trying to keep alive – end up dead. It’s not only traumatizing for the family but also the staff. I’m not sure if there’s some sort of standard out there on how to design a psychiatric unit. But I think this would be beneficial.

Not sure why I’m huge on standards but I think it helps with getting other facilities be up to speed if they aren’t already.

Conversations

I reflect back on having conversations with people. I think back to when my uncle (technically my cousin, but in Ukrainian culture, he would be considered my uncle) driving me to a Ukrainian event I was performing at with my Ukrainian Dance Ensemble.

During the car ride, it felt like he was pulling teeth. I struggled with having a conversation with him. Not that I wasn’t interested in having a convo with him, I just didn’t know how to have a convo with him? I struggled with topics to bring up or ask questions. Today – I think the conversation would go better? He’s a very smart person and I guess that is a bit intimidating? Likewise with my godmother – she wasn’t around during my childhood – she travelled, taught English in South Korea… Gen X-ers had a hard time with finding jobs and that was kind of the case for her. Though, I am grateful for having her around now and we can have convos about anything.

Reflecting back on having conversations with others – the flow varies on the person. Some will make it easy to talk with. I don’t know if it’s the expectation of having a neurodivergent convo where you say a fact and the other person shares their experience. Like this pinging vibe of back and forth… I never found it offensive to relate on a similar topic or provide a different perspective… though with one friend it felt like he was a challenge? or one-upping? Oddly remembered those MSN convos. I mean I get sharing topics but it felt like his side had to be better in those convos? lol, a bit of a turnoff because why would one topic be better than the other?

I still have to remind myself to ask questions in a convo so that it doesn’t sound self-centred. It’s like I’ve had to train myself this but there are times where I forget.

I look back at my female leaders and they taught me about building report with colleagues… as if I unknowingly was unaware that I didn’t do this?

Though I have sensed hierarchies and hated when departments would group together and not mingle with others.

It’s a weird mix of various conversation styles. Being brought up with adults (aunts and uncles), I was used to conversing with adults because that’s who I was surrounded with. Cousins came later. The ones in Poland were too far to hang out. Immediate cousins were 7+ years younger. I had one cousin who was my age but we didn’t spend a ton of time like I did with my immediate first cousin.

There was a moment when clinginess or something irritated me and I needed to take a break from the cousins. Some were loud with their shrieks. Some poured sand from a wedding decorative martini giveaway and decided to play in the sand on my bedroom carpet LOL.

There have been moments where I wanted to just bow out of family functions because they could get intense and loud. Don’t get me wrong – I love my family. My aunts, uncles and cousins are great people. But sometimes it can get overwhelming. Funny enough, as a kid I’d ask if we could go over for tea – kind of a very Ukrainian thing to do – invite people over for tea or coffee. Perks of an only child before my aunts and uncles started having kids? Was I part of the adults?

I think about friends and convos with them – I feel like they’ve embraced my weirdness or me being me.

Though, what I’ve noticed is I always followed-up with a text message after hanging out with friends thanking them for the hang out. During the goodbyes following the hangout I feel like I forget to say thanks for the hangout or just can’t find the right words? Not sure if this is a neurodivergence thing that others do? or Neurotypicals also do? AI says it’s the why behind the text message. Curious how many people actually do send out a thanks text message after a hangout. We should do a survey on this.

I understand every autistic person will have varying experiences based on their traits. So I don’t want others to think I am exactly what an autistic person should look or act like. Everyone is different. Everyone has different preferences and traits.

Still blows my mind that this is something that I didn’t catch earlier… and it really has opened up my mind on neurodivergence and autism. I think we have such a far way to go on education. If my knowledge on this topic was so skewed.

Universe Tests

There have been moments where I felt like the universe or the workplace was testing me. When I attended camp for the first time… I had a hard time being away from home. I would call home often; sometimes no one picked up and I thought my parents died or something. Or died on the 401. When they came to pick me up, I thought they were robots that the government sent over. The entire drive from London to Toronto on the 401, I was giving the side eye to my parents.

In the workplace – for some odd reason, i felt like the projects I did were way too easy and they were a test of sorts by my employer to see if I could do them properly. Like they were a trick question – a trick project? It honestly makes no sense when I write this; but that was the thought. Maybe my brain was already screaming to me that this is too easy. I need a challenge or a change. The ironic thing is changes in the workplace were hard.

Changing organizations is difficult. Learning the workplace, the different departments, the people. It was in a sense refreshing getting changing over the second org. I think my leader did a good job getting me onboarded; what my scope of work was.

The third workplace needed a more structured onboarding process. Could have been an issue with transitioning leadership, clearer instructions on completing training (I had to do my online theoretical training before getting into the instructor led online training… but this wasn’t streamlined so I got to the first day confused as to what the instructors were talking about and scrambled to complete the theoretical training that night. It was not pleasant… though it was a more extensive orientation I’ve ever been through). It wasn’t great feeling like I failed but really the org failed me in that instance. Navigating through fuse is complicated; no one tells you what training you need to complete. Others travel for the hands-on training and we never did because it was the cusp of COVID shut downs.

I think navigating through 700 people… or ~4,000 people with 6 different departments you support plus different stakeholders that would require collaboration. It was a lot. Add in global personnel and departments and you’re struggling to find the right person to problem solve an issue. It can be intense.