AuDN4T

I’ve tried my best to avoid shouting during conflicts. It’s something I’ve seen as a child with my parents.

I’ve tried my best to work on myself to not be that person. Not shout when things get intense or emotional. Speaking with AL, it sounds like I haven’t raised my voice with her. I think I may have raised my voice with my mom but it’s a boundary that I haven’t made yet? I don’t know how I’ve created a line in the sand or rule of not yelling with AL but somehow it still comes out with my mom.

But the issue now is I sometimes shut down and cry with AL.

With the 2nd relationship, I don’t think I yelled. But she tried to get a raise out of me. When she didn’t get it out of me, she would make a comment about expecting me to do something harmful to her. I don’t get it? Like that’s the one thing I tried to get away from because it’s something I grew up with. Makes me wonder how many female relationships have physical conflict or abuse? AL’s past relationship resulted in her being punched. That’s scary and sad. Like it makes me sad she had to endure that.

I remember having boundaries in the 2nd relationship like locking up my gym stuff in a locker or generally securing something because of my past childhood experience of things being stolen from our apartment. My ex questioned why secure something, that I should have faith or trust in people that they are not going to steal my stuff. When I disagreed, I was made to be a shitty person. It did feel like my boundaries were pushed often. If I didn’t want to do something, I was a problem. If I did do something or agreed with her, I wasn’t authentic in that thought or decision. I couldn’t figure it out. It was confusing. And I remained in that relationship longer than I should have. I thought it would work? But maybe I was just dumb at that time? Is it the AuDHD dumbness; brain maturity was delayed?

I just don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore. So working on being that communicator even when people won’t like what they hear and try to talk through the topic. If they still don’t see it, I guess it’ll be up to them if they want to or not.

It’s hard jumping and saying yes to things when I’m not listened to or seen… or just being able to be me.

It’s also stupidly hard being in my brain. Creating structures around things. Showering a specific time, getting home at a certain time to make sure I’m not sitting in traffic, making dinner a specific time, going to the gym a certain time. If it’s not done, things get harder to process the day. But also fear that my partner will be mad that we’re not in that structure. I think I need to talk about flexibility with AL if the day doesn’t go as planned.

It feels like I’m also stuck with my mom’s structure. If I explain I need to do something, she gets frustrated that I’m not accommodating her.

In a work setting – thinking about having convos with coworkers stepping on toes was hard. Because they say they are a big boy, but when they do over step and you try to explain it, they still get defensive. Or they don’t listen. When there’s a typo in a document that is supposed to be official and you’re not listened to, how do you end up getting it fixed? aaaaaaaaand that’s a tangent lol.

It’s funny because I had focus earlier but focus is totally gone. I need coffee or something. IDK. I’m just exhausted from everything. I know I have been saying this for so long. It’s like I’m got writer’s block but in life in everything I do. Can’t get up in the morning. Can’t have a schedule. Can’t do appointments at the doc’s. Can’t be ok. Bleh. And apparently EC is in my car? I HAVE NO IDEA what anything even means.

My current concern is my cat. She’s not feeling well today and I’m worried about her. I don’t like seeing her struggle.