AuDN4T

April 2 was Autism Awareness Day or Autism Acceptance Day. I never really thought I was Autistic. Sure, I joked with friends about being OCD about things or having ADHD squirrel moments.

It was only recently that I started to really look deeper into the topic. But I never thought Autism looked like me or my friends. It was always that stereotypical white boy presentation of Autism. A child having a meltdown by the noise levels of the space, stimming and non-verbal. This was the image I had of the family relative I knew. That was the representation of Autism I grew up with. (Except, I’ve recently understood that sensory overstimulation does affect me, I do stim and can become non-verbal when I am in an Autistic burnout).

Decades later we’re introduced to shows like “Love on the Spectrum”… and you see a slightly less high needs Autistic type of individual being represented. Only recently we’ve had shows like CBC’s The Assembly showing different types of autistic and neurodivergent people and I start understand that non-verbal people are not “lost in their world”… as my mom would say. They just don’t have a means of communicating in a neurotypical world. But when they’re provided with the right tools, they can communicate in this world.

Going through burnout, I understood that I do experience sensory overload. Being in a loud space like the SkyDome, I’ve fawned and cried because everything was intense. I’ve cried at the gym and wanted to die because my sensory overload was too much.

Suicide ideation is huge amongst Autistics. We’re more likely to die of suicide than non-autistics. I’ve looked at a study that looked at statistical data around TTC suicides and they’ve listed mental health issues like depression and anxiety, schizophrenia, substance abuse, bipolar – these made up 68% of the deaths. However, the big number that isn’t talked about is 35.4% and it’s listed as “other” under mental health conditions. What’s interesting is that 85% never left a suicide note; 93.7% didn’t have any sort of offenses; 94.7% did not have any sort of police or legal stressors; 95% did not have any sort of recent medical/health stressors; 92.4% did not have any sort of interpersonal conflict stressors; 96.7% did not have an intimate relationship breakup; 91% did not have an employment/financial stressor; 96% did not have a bereavement in the past year and the mean age is 32-41.

Why are Autistics more likely to die of suicide? There can be various reasons including that the world is simply not built for us. We feel injustice very strongly. We also mask to fit in and when we hit autistic burnout, it really takes a toll on your.

Learning more about myself, I’ve noted that I been subconsciously accommodating myself – wearing headphones on train rides to university. As a 13 year old, wearing headphones in the car while my mom listened to news talk radio. Something about news talk radio can be triggering from a sensory standpoint. Losing friends in elementary school and not understanding how that happened. Being bullied in elementary sucked. Generally being that weird different kid… and not growing up as an adult. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t relate to people who were parents as a 20-30 year old. And there are studies that indicate that neurodivergent people have a brain that matures later. This isn’t to say that I’m entirely immature. I’m knowledgeable about a lot of various things and dabble in topics that are special interests – and there are many. I also have random facts in my head because stuff just interests me to no end.

I also noted that my brain processing speed was kind of off as a child; words and thoughts didn’t always match in speed. I’d catch myself to determine if my facial reactions were right. Also, not understanding why I had an easy way of talking to some people but not everyone. Not understanding why people would fluff up emails with nothingness but words while I just wanted to just get to the point in the email. I never understood having to read paragraphs before getting to the point of the person’s ask, need, etc. But I’ve also found myself over-explaining things because work is complex as a subject matter expert and you don’t want people to misunderstand your message because you’re frequently misunderstood.

I’ve found that photography has let me ground in very intense environments. I’ve also noted that I suck in huge social settings. I need alcohol to get through those events. One on one settings are much easier… otherwise I do get quiet.

Throw in ADHD and it covers up that Autism. But subconsciously I knew I was paradoxical in a weird way. Liking quiet spaces but also liking being around people. Liking arts, music and sports. Hyperfocussing on random things and going into rabbit holes on Wikipedia about random topics. Just being curious about random things in this world… like how things work.

I now understand why it took so much energy after the fact of being in a social setting. Or why it is hard to get out of the house some days. Or why I need to be in a dark, quiet space (sometimes with sunglasses) and simply do nothing. Sometimes sleep is the only way to recover. Sometimes coffee is needed to get a kick out of the house. I also understand why I “die” in conversations via text. This isn’t to say I’m mad at you or I’m ghosting you. I’m just struggling a bit here with thoughts and trying to communicate and everything is too much. I do still care about the people in my life very deeply.

Emotions – I’ve noted that my emotions can be delayed… or why putting words together was delayed. I’ve found myself in a room full of tearful people and I’ve struggled with showing emotions because I’m overwhelmed in that environment. I found myself sending a text after hanging out with a friend because using verbal words in that moment were hard to find. But it also explained why I got creative with words to describe something in a silly manner.

Over the years, I’ve been quiet verbally – part of it is the thought processing. Other times it was rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It just has also turned into masking myself as well. That also had led to misinterpretations about me in the workplace which was not cool. Other times it’s my own fear of having an autistic meltdown and being seen as unprofessional. Either fawn or fight (while throwing some f-bombs). lol.

The social cues are hard to follow at times and self-monitoring in a conversation and trying to figure out when to leave the convo. I just thought I was an awkward person. The wild thing is that you start reading people, their facial expressions and trying to read social cues… and this is how you just end up figuring out visual feedback but it’s exhausting. Rather having someone beat around the bush, why can’t they just say something in a respectful manner. It’s hard because I try to give feedback and the other person gets defensive. But I’ve tried my best to base things on facts.

The dumb thing is the world doesn’t understand that Autistics can look like anybody yet we don’t do anything to make this world more accessible for everyone. We make everyone try to fit a mould. It’s exhausting trying to advocate for yourself. It’s exhausting when psychiatrists don’t know how to diagnose females, trans and BIPOC during Autism Assessments. I’ve been labelled OCD personality and BPD because I’m rigid and this is triggering since you just want to be seen.

Many might ask – why do you even want a diagnosis anyway. Why? So that you know what works for you in this world not built for you and how you can make life easier for you.

I’ll end this post with one last thought – meeting one Autistic person doesn’t mean you’ve met all Autistic People. We’re all different with different experiences, thoughts, beliefs, special interests, comorbidities, strengths, weaknesses, sensory issues, etc…. just like neurotypical being different in their way. At the end of the day, it’s not a disorder but a different brain wiring, processing of this world.