AuDN4T

I’m tired. Like I want to make a change in this world but it’s hard.

The WSIB process is stupidly complicated, there’s no transparency. All documents are not listed in the claim, you have no idea where it’s at if you’re appealing it. It’s not an easy website to navigate. Through that in with other provinces having different layouts and it’s just inconsistent across the board. Don’t hear from anyone for days…. no “pending review”… just “rejected claim”.

Even filing this claim was a nightmare. My executive function was fucked up – I honestly don’t care about the f bombs now. I’m fucking tired of everything right now. I’m tired of trying to get movement on EI or WSIB. Doctors aren’t very helpful.

You want to apply for the disability credit but that makes shit more complicated when your doctor is away on a leave… what if you don’t have a doctor? 2.5 million people in Ontario don’t have one. How do you successfully get approval on a disability credit? Pay out of pocket for a Nurse Practitioner? But you might not even get it.

I’m exhausted with everything… coffee? IDK. How much can I compensate with this? I need to get a specific coffee to get me going for the day… otherwise it’s not going to hit. Even if the temperature on that coffee is going to ruin the focus.

Having my partner and mom not understand is fucking me up even more. Because they do not understand that going to the doctor will further dysregulate me after the last appointment. I don’t want to be someone driving to the doctor’s office and becoming a fucking menace or hazard on the road. Like I don’t even know what to do any more. Even with the psychiatrist appointment – I don’t even know how that will go because I don’t feel seen. Getting my Vyvanse refill has been stupid because either I call them and have to tell them I need it now but I need to get a pharmacist on the phone to get it refilled in the next 1-4 hours or if I walk in, I have to wait 30 minutes to 1 hour. The steps are too many and you just end up being frozen in place. It’s stupid. I don’t intend to make it complicated but the pharmacy also makes it complicated if you forget to call in for refill or doctors limit the refill to 1 or 2 and now you’re scrambling to get an appointment…. but what happens if your doc is away?

Can there be some sort of process to help people with burnout? Docs listen more carefully when they hear autistic burnout? Some sort of accommodation in real life…outside of work? I understand we’ve got social workers and maybe that could be something that could work? (or maybe not, they might have other things to deal with). Even then… our province doesn’t give a crap about us… why would they even provide this sort of service? They just want to take away these services, right? Everything is way too fucking hard. I remember someone at CAMH laughing at me for expecting others to help with stuff. My executive function was not there. I was fucked. Or made a comment about me walking in the corridor and that I should be walking faster? Like what? Why? I didn’t understand and still don’t understand what that even meant. There were some moments in there that were just messed up.

I typically didn’t have issues paying for bills, but I’m struggling here. I know there are some that I need to pay and I can’t get myself to do them. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I can pay rent, but when it comes to smaller things like toll highways… it’s too much of an effort.

And it’s like I don’t even wanna leave the house because things are just too much. Am I going to do something that will overwhelm me during this time? I remember having this feeling in Lviv when I got there on my own. I remember this feeling also when I moved out and was dealing with my mom being upset about moving out. I had such a hard time leaving the apartment. I can’t even explain it. My brain is just stuck and hunkering down at home – prefers the safety of indoors. Despite wanting to explore Lviv.

Making a post about the weekend FB – it felt good to have friends reach out about how they were feeling about it and their experiences. Knowing we’re not alone in this. Just sucks that we struggled on our own.

As I write this, there’s a thunderstorm brewing and the cat is oddly looking out the window. Never seen her do that. Would have expected her to hide from the noise. Wondering why she’s hanging out with me here in the living room. I mean I still need to feed her, but there are still moments where she hangs out here with me. Protector of m4rkn4t? She was glued to me last night, I moved and she moved with me. Found a way to anchor herself to me. She came over in the morning to cuddle. She also cuddled with me on the couch. I think that’s her fave cuddle spot. I know AL says she thinks she’s her fave, but IDK. I think it depends on the season. Who’s home more often?

I did miss hanging out with my friends this past weekend, but just with everything going on. I don’t think I could have trekked over to Chatham. In a weird way, the protests were therapeutic… trying to get justice when everything is difficult. I do miss my friends dearly. They’re such amazing people who are hella funny, smart and you can be yourself with them.

I know I haven’t really talked about the lay off with friends. Everything has been just a lot. Burnout was hard. Still is. Talking about it with my Coffee Roaster Friend was good. She’s super easy to talk to and you get a good insight from her on her experiences. I feel lucky I’ve been able to befriend her… she’s really taught me a bit about coffee but also we’ve had great convos about sports (like the Olympics) and the world in general. Her creating a welcoming – human space at a cafe makes the experience more home-y in a place like Toronto.

The added stress of car issues is like what else? What else is going to go wrong? I need to spend $1k~ on ball joints or shocks or control arm? Just feels like Murphy’s Law is hitting right now and I wish it didn’t.

Having a convo with my partner about me being like my father… it sucked. Why would she use this very fact to hurt me? I understand she has data points on past relationships and her sister’s relationships, but I have never asked her for money. I have never said I don’t want to return to work. I do want to return to work. But I also don’t want to get to the same point I was at earlier. I don’t want to end up at CAMH or stuck under my covers trying to recover. I have trust issues after what transpired.

Even with compensation, I’d expect specific accommodations including compensation for coffee… because I need that to focus… it can sound dumb but that is the reality of it. I’d say pre-reads for meetings or questions sent over beforehand so that I could mull over em before giving a more thoughtful response. Otherwise you’ll get something that just makes no sense or misconstrued or misinterpreted. Garbage in, garbage out data. Like using ServiceNow for safety stats LOL. Not quite the example to use but it makes sense in my head. It’s silly that we based our opinion on people based on their immediate response rather than letting them have a think over the question or topic. Not everything needs to involve speed in providing an answer to a question… and that’s fine.