AuDN4T

I’ve been trying to explain autistic burnout to my mom. I now avoid using the word autism. I’ve explained to her that things trigger me. The trigger at the gym. The voices, the sounds. This stemming from the doctor’s appointment.

I spoke about circling on the roundabout for 30 minutes. How police was called. I can’t exactly remember how the convo went around this but it was less traumatic than with my partner. She in some sense understood but also didn’t. She said she thought I was stronger than her psychologically but apparently not. She told me to not to do this in the future, that the police will have marked me in some sense. I hope not in a negative manner. I understand I as a “white” person was treated differently (and others who are marginalized) would have been treated much more negatively. (I don’t know why I have such a hard time identifying as a “white” person…*)

I do believe we need to educate our police force on autistic meltdowns. Though I now worry that individuals who are not ND could use this as an excuse to perform shitty things and use the autism card. I’ve seen this in the HSE world where someone has used the safety card. Then we get into the whole topic of status cards and disability statuses. It gets complex. Visible and invisible disabilities or differences or needs.

Being at my mom’s was difficult. She would talk and this would just trigger me more. I have to ask her to speak more softly, more quietly, more calmly. I’m not sure if this is something to do with getting more triggered? Looks like AI does state that it impacts you:

• Loud speaking can be painful
• Speed of the speech creates a backlog of info
• Emotive speech can cause you to mirror that speech in your head as a hyper-empath… I feel that so much; I can feel it while driving and it’s frustrating
• Rhythm, speed and intonation of speed – is a lot to process

Sounds like it does lead to a meltdown – a system reset – too much at once, and you can’t handle it all.

I’ve tried to steer the speed and emotive speech when I’m finding I’m getting overstimulated. I need to communicate this to her. I just didn’t understand it at the moment – completely. But subconsciously I’ve tried to to steer the speed of convos in the past. Noticed this is something EC would bring up from her experience. Trying to slow down the speed of speech.

* Thinking more about the topic of identity and not feeling a strong presence around identifying as “white”… I don’t like it. I don’t want to be categorizing people based on skin colour or their stereotypes. You also have the historical aspect of “WASPs” oppression BIPOC. But you also had WASPs oppressing other ethnicities like Italians, Greeks, Ukrainians, Romanians… people who were generally not English. You had Ukrainians trauma bonding with Indigenous People, creating special relationships. You had Taras Shevchenko bonding with Ira Aldridge over slavery and serfdom. Like I have a hard time identifying with “white”. Maybe growing up in Toronto, you’re used to diversity. Having family members surprised by differences in ethnicities might have made them stop and look on with curiousity? My mom has told a story about my grandma seeing a Black Person for the first time and being confused and curious. I don’t know if that’s really the wording to use here because I truly don’t know how to explain how she truly processed that experience coming from a country or a place in the world where diversity was based on just religion, ethnicity and hair and eye attributes… maybe some skin complexions varying slightly but not significantly as you would observe in a diverse city like Toronto. I think that might be another post to further talk about.

I also think about parents with adopted children or children with different skin colour or ethnicity. How do you make that child feel accepted or feel like they truly have experienced their culture. That’s one thing I struggle with. If you adopt a child of another ethnicity – how do you support them in bringing them up in a culture they are biologically tied to. I’ve read articles of people feeling upset that they weren’t raised in the culture that they were biologically tied to and were in some sense upset with their adoptive parents. Raising a kid can get so complex. Like how do you not pressure them into an extracurricular but also want them to experience a culture or tradition you think is important? And how do you ensure that kid is not upset with the decisions made? I got frustrated with Ukrainian dancing after a certain point because it felt like a clique. There’s so much to unpack on this topic – i.e., parents not looking like their biracial child and others making crazy assumptions.