AuDN4T

Going to the doctors and struggling to get paper work put together for workers comp has been difficult. There were other things I wanted to go through but I felt rushed with a timer on board and asked to fill out documentation that I’m technically not allowed to complete. This felt going against what is required.

That resulted in a meltdown on the road and subsequent need to hide under the bed covers and sleep long hours. Not that I wanted to sleep long hours but it just all felt too much. The world feels too much.

Sleeping until 1pm is not how I expected to spend my Saturday. It felt wasted.

My partner doesn’t quite understand the relapse and thinks I’m in a more darker place… or depression.

Is it depression? Maybe. It’s a mixture of burnout and just not sure how to go about things right now. I want to work but I’m also fucked up. How do I know an org will not cause this sort of burnout again? How do I know I won’t be treated like crap again? How do I not get to where I am now again. How do I advocate for myself more and actually have people listening to me? I also hate that people assume crappy things about others. I think back to JR assuming that people with damaged cars = shitty drivers. Damaged vehicles don’t necessarily mean they caused that damage but rather others could have. Just like people and trauma. They’re not inherently messed up but have some sort of CPTSD going on or are rigid based on their brain wiring.

Going to the gym was difficult. Staying in bed to regulate helped. But assumptions about me not wanting to go sucked. It felt like an automatic shut down with sass. I’m not sure where that sass is coming from but it sucks. I’m trying to communicate that burnout but I’m not being heard.

Being at the gym and trying to do my pre-workout treadmill sesh and having someone join next to me and proceed to speak loudly just really tilted me. More than tilted. I can’t explain it. It was too much. I was trying to focus on the workout and hearing someone talk.. it was like hearing news talk radio and getting triggered. I couldn’t manage in that situation and left. I rage quit. It was too much. Being on the weight machines was also not calming. It made me just more angry and caused me to cry. I was just ready to fucking leave this world. I can’t when things get this intense. It was too much.

My partner brushed up against me in a loving way and I still could not calm down. My facial expression hurt her, she felt like I had a dread in my look when I saw her… that she was causing that dread. She wasn’t. She isn’t. I just don’t know how to handle those emotions.

I didn’t have a satisfying workout unfortunately.

My mom ended up calling me back about an issue she was having. Did it calm me a bit? A bit. But I was still messed up.

Trying to have a convo about this with my partner at the gym, opened up some emotions. I understand she is struggling and feels like she’s carrying a weight things right now, financially. She’s worried that if she seeks therapy that will open up other issues and would result in her being off of work… and we can’t have her be off work. I don’t expect her to feel like the breadwinner. We have money saved. The process of getting the EI or WSIB is stupidly complex. They don’t just approve things. EI requires a doctors note but if you want to go the route of WSIB… there’s also another waiting game. Not being with an org since Dec 31… not that you burn through money, but things that attributed to this burnout and ADHD impulsivity really fucked me up. Your executive function doesn’t quite work like you want it to.

Even getting tasks done gets impossible. You want to prioritize but things just get too much. I don’t expect others to understand. If you’ve gone through this, you’ll understand. If you haven’t you won’t understand.

The convo with my partner felt more easing but I’ve asked her to seek that therapy. I think she needs to find those tools to manage her feelings and thoughts. The hurtful things said in the past suck… there are times where I think she’s ready to leave the relationship because of going 0-100 very quickly. Putting on a jacket and ready to go out the door. I don’t know what that means. But it’s also a flashback to my childhood with my parents.

We came to an understanding that things are difficult for the both of us.

Talking about my experience about my health – and not being seen – it sucked because she did admit that it was all in my head. Not sure if she sees this now? I think this is why I had a hard time believing she had health issues. Because I wasn’t seen, so I thought she was not being serious with her health issues. Weird psychological thing…I guess it’s a validation trauma – being gaslit or not believed, so it’s hard to validate her physical reality of issues with her stomach.