AuDN4T

The Atlantic had an article about gaps in relationships… or rather differences. Reading the comments section, many focused on age being a gap – for some reason this was the only difference they only saw.

You can find gaps or differences in relationships on many different levels. This can include:

• education level
• race
• style/individualism
• music preferences
• hobbies
• political beliefs
• ethnicity
• nationality
• job positioning (white collar vs blue collar)
• employment status
• financial
• intelligence
• health – active lifestyle, alcohol, drug use
• religion

Seeing how Canada can be very diverse – I’ve seen couples who have differing job positioning (white collar vs blue collar) and they make it work, financial status – you see who get into relationships with older people who pay for their companionship (sugar mamas and sugar daddies) – this can be oftenly seen in the gay community at bars. You can find interracial relationships (and I kind of smile when I see this, because it feels like we’ve come such a long way for this to be embraced… though I know there are still people who disapprove of this).

I’ve seen high school couples with varying music preferences and styles which was pretty interesting to see from a sociological perspective.

Even with religion you see this across the world with varying couples of religions and they somehow make it work. I think back to my mom and she talked about having SO’s who were primarily of the same religion just a different denomination (Orthodox Christian vs Ukrainian Catholic) and ending those relationships because of a minor difference. Having an SO who was Jewish was kind of a no-no as well. But it’s not something I even wanted to make aware to anyone because why give that heartache to that SO at the time.

My dad would talk about how he would disown me if I brought home a Black bf… this is a very common belief in many EE families and Greek (from conversations I’ve had with a manager). It’s odd because he did say he found Black Women attractive, so why the double standard? Making those sort of comments just perpetuates racism. I think I’m lucky that I didn’t share that same opinion as my parents. Is lucky the word I’m looking to use here? I’m not sure. Like I hope I don’t hold biases towards BIPOC people. I don’t think we should be treating people different from us any different (directly) nor should we systemically (including through healthcare) treat them less than or differently.

Parent’s beliefs are so BS. Even with stringency around ethnicity – seeing kids getting scrutinized for not dating or marrying a partner that is of the same ethnicity as them is so archaic. The heart break of disowning your child because they’re dating someone who is not of your ethnicity is so garbage. They were treated like they were gay… and for what? Turning their siblings against them? Why?

Even with my parents – being of differing ethnicities is chaotic because of historical conflicts. There’s also irony because my Polish father also had a Ukrainian grandmother but sided with the more dominant ethnic background – Polish. While my Ukrainian mom’s family was deported at gun point by the Soviet Polish army and experienced xenophobia. It’s paradoxical. My mom always said it’s difficult being in a relationship where there are differences because they will come up during arguments. If you truly love that person, those differences shouldn’t be an issue. For me, I’ve never used my partner’s ancestry or any sort of difference against her during an argument. That shouldn’t be weaponized. You accept them fully as they are.

Did I use an age difference against a past partner? I did at the end of the relationship realizing that maybe age was an obstacle. It could have also been their rigidness. This person did also get frustrated with my opinions around my experience and thought I tried to use it against her? I don’t think it was ego but rather experience from life and knowledge? I can’t remember the exact examples now. I don’t think what I said was anything non-factual.

One thing I think I sometimes struggle with is being factual when my partner is looking to me to be supportive. This might have been something that came up in that 2nd relationship and my relationship with AL.

I know friends who have struggled with intelligence level differences. Though you can also connect on other levels when intelligence levels vary.

From a financial difference standpoint – I think you need to be very strong in that decision and agreement of making it work. Remove any sort of egos. I feel like creating pre-nups removes that trust. I know some might feel they need to protect themselves but if you’re truly in love with a person who you know you can make this work… a pre-nup would be kind of a slap in the face. But that’s just my opinion. Money wasn’t an issue with AL and I. I trusted her. I still trust her. I hope she trusts me. Her making less than me was never an issue for me. I always saw it as a partnership. I always tried to coach her that we’re in different stages of our careers but it doesn’t matter. If need be, I’ll take on more of the costs if need be to make it more equitable. There was a point where she was paying less for rent than I was… and I was ok with that because I wanted her here by my side. I also wanted to make sure she had enough money she could save up. Seeing her grow in her roles over the last 6 years has been amazing to see. I know she’s a very talented, intelligent person who can excel at anything she does. What bothers me is that organizations will limit her because of her unfinished degree. A degree doesn’t truly state if a person is capable of excelling in their career.

Without her, I don’t think I’d be where I am. Being that support person who had my back during interviews and cheered me on. My financial and professional success is also intertwined with her support. She gets that credit in being there along the way.

I’ve had friends marry differing family financial backgrounds and this didn’t seem to be an issue. Does this impact their relationship? I don’t think so? Maybe their other differences in opinions on parenting?

With respect to food and health lifestyles – this might get tricky – unless both people know how to cook for each other. I’m sure there are partners out there that are vegetarian or vegan while others are not and still make it work. There are couples with differing body sizes and activity level that make it work as well.

I’m sure there are more differences you can touch on but I’ll just leave it at that here.