AuDN4T

Growing up, I was the only kid amongst my family. My mom was the first to arrive in Canada between her siblings (after her uncle and his family). She had a bit of a support system with her two brothers and her cousins (my aunts and uncles as we would put it in Ukrainian culture).

My first cousins in Canada didn’t show up ’till much later (when I was 9). I did have second cousins which we did hang out with, but it was more my first cousins that I typically spent more time with or rather with their parents.

My mom was always close with her brothers. One uncle was my fave uncle, the other would parent me. Kind of a bad cop/good cop situation. The good cop uncle was like a friend. When they got married to their respective wives, dynamics did shift. I think my aunts in some form did parent me as well but also schooled me on mistakes I made. One was more strict while the other was more chill. It’s funny. Kind of like a yin yang situation with personalities. I don’t dislike any of them. They’re really amazing people and have taught me a lot. Though sometimes I do have some PTSD with the name Natalka! lol.

On Sundays, when my mom was working, they would take me to church and I’d spend time with them. I remember always grabbing some napoleon ice cream at my godfather’s house or having chocolate chip cookies from president’s choice – “The Decadent”. Those cookies always hit a certain way.

You can say that it takes a village to raise a kid and this was kind of that village with aunts and uncles and cousins – especially when you didn’t have siblings.

Having my cousins show up after 97, was an awesome time. I did bond with my first cousin when she was a baby. With my second cousin – same, but maybe not as much as my first cousin. I think this is kind of like that situation where parents have kids and all that focus is on the first kid with photos – you have a full ass album of the first kid and then half an album of the second kid, lol. IDK. It could be that there was an age gap. With the third and forth cousins, the relationship was less stronger. At one point I kinda just wanted to got to family functions less because they became intense and a lot of work with my social battery.

Thinking about how my mom and her sibling’s relationships started to change… I can understand that she has a sense of duty for her siblings but voicing her opinion can put a toll on her siblings and their spouses. Repeating it won’t change the situation but it might at the same time push the person away further. Saying person A is making this person B not pick up the phone or person A is controlling person B… they are their own person. They have their own thoughts and decisions. How they have set up their life – that is their business. It shouldn’t be something you should control. Yes, your sibling has underlying health conditions but he is his own person and can make his decisions. We don’t know what the circumstances are behind closed doors. We don’t know why someone is not working or why they are a stay at home parent. We only see the surface of this relationship.

Why they might not pick up the phone… does not mean that one person is controlling the situation. I get exhausted with constant phone rings. There was a moment where a teacher said – you know you don’t actually have to pick up the phone, right? It’s a Pavlovian dog situation where you’ve been trained to instantly pick up the phone. We might be doing something, we might be tired and just can’t talk on the phone. Being forced to speak on the phone with a family relative when you’re not feeling it is exhausting.

What my father did as an alcoholic and bitched about family members – was super shitty. Saying garbage about aunts and this garbage making its way across the Atlantic and back… Just shows how toxic this can be within a family and make them feel uncomfortable with talking to you.

I think there’s also a lot of misunderstandings on communication styles – some prefer calls and frequently. Others not so much. This would be a good convo to have if you’re not a person who likes to spend hours on the phone. I’m at a point where I can’t stand being on the phone.

Other misunderstandings within the family sucks… where an aunt just stopped communicating with some family members. You have cousins who had no idea the other existed until they sat at the same table at a wedding. It kind of sucks being in this schism family of sorts. Some talk, some don’t and it doesn’t make sense.

Family getting heavily involved and invested in aunts and uncles lives is not cool. Why someone broke up with their partner and trying to salvage it or change it can make things more difficult for that person. They have their reasons for that break down in the relationship; they don’t owe you why or needing to save it. Having family also forcing ideas on where to live or what they should be doing for a living – that isn’t something you should impose your thoughts on. They made a plan, a decision with their partner. Constantly knocking them for it or pressuring them to change it is so exhausting for everyone. They are their own person with their own life. Constantly imposing your opinions on them will only push them away. You can ask questions to better understand the situation – sure. Seek to understand. If it’s a parent-child situation – see if there could be some sort of compromise in that relationship.

As an adult, whenever I started to see my mom push her thoughts on a family relative, I had to kind of pull her back and ask, is this something they’re ok with? They might have a different parenting style.

If family relatives thought another person was gay because of a break up, makes me wonder what other family members have said about me in gossiping circles lol. Meh.

There was a moment where I decided to switch vehicles (hindsight it was probably for the best to not go through with it but the issues with the current vehicle were frustrating). Going through this process and mentioning it to my mom and uncle resulted in a bit of a blow out. My uncle called me and kept talking and lecturing me – a 31 year old. What did I do? I put my phone down and walked away as he talked to himself. I was frustrated with this whole situation. I couldn’t make my own decisions, I had to be parented at 31. This put a strain on the relationship. Going to the dealership to get an oil change was not a good idea, doing this was a bad idea. Doing that was a bad idea. Ok, so what am I supposed to do? Do this and that, jump when you say jump? I’ve had good experiences at the first dealership. The second dealership? Not great. But that was a lesson.

Being lectured to go to family functions was also kinda shitty. I wasn’t understood when I said I was tired or not feeling great. Getting the whole – you have nothing to be tired with. But also not understanding the constant control aspect of what you should and shouldn’t do.

Yes, what grandma said was listened to and was golden. But you were children and grandma was mom. You’re all adults now, us kids are adults as well and are our own people with differing functioning ways. These differences need to be understood rather than imposing our own ideas on others and expecting people to do what you say or how a household should operate.

We’re all a family – yes – to some extent tight-nit but also have so many differences. Some of us like cycling, some us like tinkering and playing with cars, some of us like medicine, some of us are huge on rock climbing or water sports, some of us like engineering, some of us like music, some of us like soccer, some us like volleyball, some of us like tennis, some of us like running, some of us like farming, some of us like gardening, some of us like art, some of us like photography, some of us like Ukrainian dancing, some of us like hiking, some of us like cooking/baking, some of us like working with our hands, etc. And we might feed off of each other on those hobbies or reach out to one another for advice. But telling each other what to do or not to do just makes things so tiring. Why can’t we just celebrate each other and the strengths we have, not judge people’s decisions.

And stop with the gossiping – have a conversation. Ask questions… in a respectful manner.