AuDN4T

Why is it that I have to live up to an expectation? Set by who?

I have gone through so much shit in the last 3 years. Where my body was struggling with stress. Resulting in multiple trips to see doctors – who wouldn’t really fix the problem. And I wasn’t really seen by my partner when these things would come up. I felt like I wasn’t seen in those health situations. There was a moment where my insides felt irritated like I had a gallbladder issue, but I don’t think it was a gallbladder issue. I have no idea what it was. But my body was just screaming at me that it’s struggling. But I wasn’t seen. My struggle wasn’t seen.

So when I’m trying to take time to process the last 3 years – I’m being told I’m lazy, I’m not considering other people’s feelings. But I wasn’t considered in the first place, was I?

Am I supposed to bow to everyone and jump on command to everyone’s expectations? Find another job that burns me out again? Result in suicide?

Like am I just no one? Am I not supposed to have thoughts? Or think? Or analyze this world? Or take care of my body until I am ready to do so?

Why am I not seen for me? Why am I expected to go to sleep at a certain time? Why do people get pissed at me because I don’t fit a box? My sleep has always been delayed but I’m always punished for it.

It’s one thing to walk on eggshells but it’s another thing to not have a conversation and understanding something and accepting it. It feels like its a continual loop of yeah – I’m scared because I’m the only one with a job. Ok, but we have savings. Yes, we might dip into them. I thought we were a team? Aren’t we supposed to look out for one another? Talk without building up an idea in our head how things should work? Come to a middle ground?

This isn’t about who’s right, or who is more right.

Am I supposed to make myself small and not be a person? Not have my voice or individuality?

Am I a loser for not having a job right now? Does a job define my status as a person? Does education define that status? I’ve heard of many people stepping out of their careers and jobs because of how their job burnt them out. Are they any less than? Is it that shitty to take a fucking break? I’m holding my breath doing my work because it can be intense – maybe this is my breather.