AuDN4T

It’s heart breaking and frustrating when my mom can’t see me for me.

I’m supposed to be this image in her head. Fit her expectations. I shouldn’t have done a degree in OHS. It wasn’t a good idea to apply for Radiation Sciences. I should have been an optometrist or a veterinarian. But then she also saw me working in some office space. So what is it? Neither of those are in an office space. Taking care of people and the environment is like being a vet or a doctor. I’ve had profs say that OHS and PH is like saving lives… proactively. Before injuries occur, before disorders and health effects develop. I think it’s that whole idea that parents want their kids to be doctors. If not a physician taking care of people, then animals. Ok, but what if I had a PhD in a topic. Would that suffice me hitting that doctor requirement or expectation? lol. I’m pretty specialized, but also very broad in the topics I enjoy; more knowledgeable in some topics than others, but many topics interest me.

I’m supposed to dress a certain way. This has been the case for majority of my life. I’ve had classmates make fun of me because of some of the clothing I wore that my mom dressed me in. I had some say in what I could wear. Some, but not always. I didn’t have that full autonomy on what I could wear. It had to be a certain way. I mean she did judge my dad for how he dressed and I could see how he didn’t fit the mould of what was expected to be worn. Was he cringe for being a Rod Stewart look alike? Yes. But at the same time, I think it’s also important to be able to express yourself in how you want to… through your clothing style, accessories, music, art, etc. Forcing someone to be something they’re not will not make them more happier. It will turn them into a shell of a person. Build resentment towards the person trying to change them, expect them to dress a certain way. Do this, not do that.

Having expectations to do this is or that …is exhausting. Having the parent expect you to do this while using guilt trips and shifting their tone of vocal. I’ve started to get triggered by the change in tone of voice. Being told that there was a moment that I distanced myself from her and we lost contact. Lost contact? In what sense? Having control over who I should be? Not trying to understand who I am? Not learning? Seeing me for who she wants me to be?

Reflecting – I unknowingly self-regulated myself during in elementary and high school where I had a lot of extracurricular commitments; volleyball, Ukrainian dancing, ballet, girls technique dancing, Ukrainian music ensemble and solo practices, Ukrainian language school (after school or on Saturdays). It was a lot. And having to quit cold turkey with some, it was upsetting to my mom. When my grandmother passed away, I just had to stop Ukrainian dancing. When I took on Ukrainian language school, I stopped volleyball. Did that upset my coach? I think so. It upset me as well. I really enjoyed volleyball, I liked the team and coach. But it was a lot. I put up boundaries unknowingly. It wasn’t that I thought through it all for a long period of time, it was just a quick abrupt end to the activity. Kind of a subconscious decision. Even when going to these practices, she’d turn on talk radio in the car – this was dysregulating. Having music and headphones in my own bubble helped regulate myself. Cars can be safe in some situations but also not comfortable… especially if the driver is jerky. My mom is a bit of jerky driver. I think the jerkiness has progressed over time? Jerky – I mean – abrupt braking, over-correction with the steering wheel. This felt uncomfortable in my body. In my back? I guess that’s why I’ve trained myself to try to be a smoother driver?

I think the fact of being critical of other drivers I got from my mom. Seeing her criticize other drivers also got implanted on me?

I don’t think I was always this triggered while driving. It didn’t seem people drove stupidly often. Something did get switched in my head after a certain point. Standing at a red light, I was worried I wouldn’t move fast enough when the green light hit. Something in my head triggered me to hit the gas more. I wasn’t sure if it was the car next to me or the car behind me. If someone would honk for not moving fast enough at a green light. It was weird. I can’t explain it. I’ve tried to moderate it.

Yes, I might not be working, but I am working on myself. I am processing the last three or five years of chaos… or even 15 years. Working on myself is hard. It’s hard trying to figure out what works, what doesn’t. What thoughts have been painful to acknowledge or confront head on. It’s also hard trying to work on yourself and others not understanding what you are going through. What struggles you are going through.

I think some family members do recognize that there’s a bit too much smothering… if that’s the right term to use here. But do they accept me for me? I know I have some that do. Others, I’m not sure. I know their children do, but the older generation is old school. That’s kind of the world of Slavic families. If they move to the “new world”, they cling onto the “old world” and the religious ideologies. Meanwhile, the “old world” starts to progress where it can; look at protecting human rights for all. But “old world” immigrants in “new world” countries end up being stuck in this weird twilight zone.

I’m told I’m being manipulated. In what sense? I’ve been critically thinking about this world. I’ve been trying to see different perspectives. One can argue that some religious institutions will state this is how the world should operate in these narrow confines of this box and anything else outside of it is wrong. Everyone is different. Differences exist. What was considered feminine 500 years ago is defined differently today. Pink was considered a male colour centuries ago and today is associated with femininity. We’re just being socially constructed to believe what is right and wrong, what’s acceptable and not acceptable. What’s acceptable in Canada might not be considered to be acceptable in Japan – tattoos for example. But what is acceptable? How do we define it? Are they based on superstitions or generalizations or historical artefacts? We can look at the swastika. When we see it today, we associate it with genocide, extreme hate, anti-antisemitism. But what has it represented in other cultures before WWII? It’s found on pysankas. I’ve had a teacher (of Dutch descent) lose his mind when he saw a “swastika” on a pysanka. But it represents the sun in Ukrainian ancient culture. Many other cultures had the “swastika” in their art and it represents various things.

Imposing one’s views and expectations on another person isn’t justifiable because it’s “right” or “correct”. It’s constricting, it’s suffocating. It prevents growth and innovation.

Maybe we need more people taking on philosophical courses? Learn to question things. Be curious. Consider the Enlightenment period where we had Copernicus change how the world and universe were seen.

Why should we impose stereotypes on women, men, non-binary people, BIPOC people, LGBTQ+, people with disabilities (visible and invisible), and other marginalized people that I might be missing here? They’re people. They’re individuals. Just like with autistic people – they have so many different traits. One autistic person =/= all autistic person. Generalizations and categorizations can be very hurtful and unproductive. Getting to know a person opens up the world for you. Being in a very cultural city can be eyeopening. You meet many people from different parts of the world. You hear their stories. You hear about privilege. You hear about struggles, living and surviving through war. This is where sociology can have lines blurred because you might want to categorize and generalize people and there might be some generalizations to be made but there will always be differences in views, experiences and thought. Kids growing up in suburbs vs kids growing up in the city vs affluent families vs single parent families. There are so many factors involved. A person is a person and they shouldn’t be viewed any differently from another person. Their worth, experience, thought, view is not less than anyone else.

This is why “liberal arts” courses in universities are critical. They give you tools to think outside of the box, get out of your comfort zone learning new languages, different topics outside of your core education, try out a different topic you’re curious about.