AuDN4T

I started my Vyavanse medication today. It felt surprisingly ok at the low dose. My partner noticed some changes where I didn’t linger around getting ready for our outing. I just got ready.

It’s hard for me to notice it. Maybe because it’s still a smaller dose? I’m not 100% certain. Taking photos felt somewhat the same? But apparently I didn’t spend a long period of time taking many photos? But was still able to get about ~40 photos that were decent and edited them in a focused way? I think. I’m not sure. I didn’t quite track my computer screen LOL. Not sure if I flipped between apps.

The aspect of taking medication wasn’t bad. But I guess the burnout part is difficult to navigate through.

Comparing this time period to my Short-Term Disability Leave in October 2024, I found getting onto Sertraline hard. There were nights where I didn’t get any sleep and the dry mouth was rough. I ended up sleeping on the couch for about a month or so. It was a terrible sleep. It’s ironic because the couch is a comfortable firmness. But generally trying to get onto the medication was difficult. In the end it did feel like it helped with the low end of depression… or is it just AuDHD? I’m not sure.

I tried to work on myself – the anxiety caused by that paliperidone and subsequent change in hormone levels with elevated prolactin levels – it was a mixture of stopping the antipsychotic medication, adding the antidepressant medication, therapy offered through work programs (which are very limited), YouTube self help videos and finding that box breathing helped. It helped in that moment, but unfortunately it was more so a band-aid solution for that moment. It didn’t get to the causal factor.

It was probably equally difficult compared to Feb/March 2024. I tried to have a schedule. But it was difficult to figure it all out. I’d go grab a coffee, sweat buckets and come back home and watch more self help videos. What’s odd is I processed thoughts and listened to podcasts while playing YouTube games (maybe to some, or just me?). Not sure why I tend to do this, but I guess it’s a way to work on your thoughts without full on, directly processing them where it could result in you getting more upset. I guess being that 5 year old philosopher scared the crap outta me – asking myself if I was a good person or a bad person or if I was a good enough person. It’s funny and dumb that my thoughts scare me.

The interesting thing is I missed photography a lot during my time at CAMH. But photography didn’t quite help me during the October leave. BUT it was nice to have Halloween decor and creativity within the neighbourhood hit that dopamine crave.

The wild thing about trying to wean myself off of paliperidone, there were noticeable changes in my mood (aside from the akathisia/anxiety). It wasn’t dulled and I could feel things. I don’t think I could laugh at things. I don’t think I even smiled? I could feel for my partner and my cat. That was terrifying when I had no feelings for my two constants, my loves. Music – having no feelings for it. It just made life so… blank. I was a literal zombie. I was no one. I had no thoughts. I had no words. I tried so hard to contribute at work and it frustrated me but I don’t think it even expressed how frustrating it was. I remember trying to have a conversation with someone in the office and I was spaced out like his words went over my head. Pretty sure he thought I was completely out of it. Lights on but no one was home. Trying to hold meetings was hard. Having to jot talking notes because words wouldn’t come out properly. I had no executive function. I could not think for myself. I practised my notes to make it sound natural, not robotic. It was so fucked up. I was struggling to keep my job. And I’m not even sure my manager knew how much I was struggling. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be at this job yet this very place also put me in this situation. I mean they were accommodating in that moment but I also felt like I was not worthy of that accommodation because I couldn’t contribute to the level I wanted to. That’s the high standard I have for myself unfortunately. I know my manager said, some days you’ll do great and others not so much and just focus on what you can in that moment. But the shitty thing is I couldn’t get myself to feel like I was accomplishing things. I didn’t get that satisfaction dopamine hit completing those tasks. I am fortunate for the team members who collab’d with me on getting training completed and tracking it. But man, that felt like a feat, moving a mountain. Still think more concrete hands on training is needed – internal working at heights training. Fuse modules are not effective. They’re a pencil whipping task, some where people memorize the answers because the training doesn’t make sense. It all defeats the purpose of the training.

I can see how my thoughts are now scattered at this moment. Fun times.