AuDN4T

I was looking at cooked chicken breast strips at the grocery store the other day. It triggered a bit of a flash back to when I was on paliperidone and trying to make dinner. I had recently learned how to make my partner’s quesadilla recipe in Alberta. It was a yummy quesadilla but that time period was really messed up. Trying to even eat breakfast freaked me out. I’ve told this aspect to many people and I truly don’t think they understood this.

Prior to paliperidone, I would take about 15 minutes +/- to eat breakfast… not that I timed myself or was overly strict about how long it took. During 2024 when on paliperidone, it felt like it took a lot of effort and scared the shit out of me. I cannot even explain what it did to me. Making dinner had the same effect. The effort. How can effort – the act of making breakfast, lunch or dinner scare the crap out of you? It sounds so irrational. It sounds so implausible. It makes no sense when I say it. But it was so real and terrifying.

Living was terrifying. Waking up was terrifying. Mornings were terrifying. You try to sleep in but your brain is running through thoughts despite being half asleep. I had dreams about Lock-Out Tag-Out, I literally was afraid about workers getting injured. While CEOs are worried about profits (let’s be real, many will say this is what keeps them up at night), I’m worried about people dying on the job.

Every hour, every minute was terrifying. When people say, yeah, don’t dwell on 2024; let’s not go back to that. There’s some sort of trauma that has come out of that. I think one needs to process it to get over it.

Thinking of visiting my godmother has that memory of struggling to enjoy that summer come up. Inflate a stand-up paddle board, put it away. I couldn’t enjoy being on the water because the thought of having to pack up the paddle board kept bothering me. Again, this makes no sense to the rational brain.

Sitting on my mom’s patio trying to enjoy the summer weather and there’s that memory where I could not sit still because everything just was too intense. My abdomen was screaming. Internal akathisia. Anxiety. I don’t even know what to really call it. It fucked me up a lot. But why was it in my core? Why wasn’t it in my legs or arms or head? Why would my core “vibrate”? I mean – it didn’t technically vibrate but it felt like it. Psychiatrists didn’t really listen. “This doesn’t cause anxiety. It’s just more of a symptom of schizophrenia. We need to up your medication.”

It’s hard being on these medications. I feel like at times they can do more harm than good. Never thought it could cause a trauma like that. It makes me very cautious about taking Vyvanse.

When work does more harm to you than good.