AuDN4T

I think back to the past with my relationship to alcohol. It was always a contentious topic within my family. My parents fought around it. My dad always had to have beer or vodka. There was always an argument when we travelled up north to camp. My dad would always have this demeanour that feels like he’s retained over the years now when sober and it triggers me. I hear other Polish men with this demeanour and it’s triggering. I don’t know why. I think it’s that childhood trauma.

Christmas and New Years always felt depressing despite being a happy time. There was always an argument or crying about this being the last holiday. He’d never make it the following year.

I think about Ship Her Son x Palindrom - Everything is not so bad (Vse ne tak pohano) and it pretty much explains my childhood.  There's line where he talks about his childhood:

I thought everyone had the same childhood and never understood why my father screams in the kitchen alone. Time went by and I asked my friends how their world was. In their eyes I had to cry, had to explain it being a sad world. But with everything he could laugh, he could love and drink to the bottom of the barrel, eagerly taste the kisses of pot and later sing obscene songs at night and today they wipe his bedsores with disinfectant. Mom, my world doesn't laugh for a very long time, mom. My world sniffles, it's shameful to live amongst them. 

There’s probably a better translation out there but it gives you the gist of the struggles this artist goes through. This song speaks volumes to me.

Having to get between my parents when they fought. It was chaotic. Being in the car when my dad drove drunk. Having to call him out when he was drinking and driving. Having him bring drinking buddies home and having to navigate through that. One of his friends nearly setting our garbage on fire because she left a cigarette butt in our garbage can. Parenting your parents.

He went through cycles of work and not working because his drinking got bad. He had a bit of a bout of working in construction but he refused to eat and would have seizures. My mom is hypothesizing it’s related to him having low blood sugar, not eating and drinking a coffee. The second he was working at heights, he fell and that spooked his employer and he went on disability.

At one point he had gotten paranoid about my mom having an affair with a colleague at work. In reality, he was a person who was a facility manager. He had too much time on his hands, coupled with alcoholism, I think this gave him further paranoia. He’d call my mom’s workplace and yell. This could have put her job at risk. There was a point where my mom was on autopilot. Kind of like surviving. And I understand that feeling during my last relationship – being on autopilot, walking on eggshells.

The police had been call over to our place a couple of times. This was a mixture of our neighbour (who likely was schizophrenic) and my dad’s drinking. The experience with Peel Police was a mixture of positive and negative. Some went on power trips, others were in a sense understanding. He had gone to jail a couple of times. He lived in a homeless shelter at one point as well (one vivid memory was him worried about his shoes being stolen).

The one traumatic moment was when I had come back from a university summer course and my mom called me from work begging me to call the cops because he was in the bathroom threatening to kill himself with this gun he had. So I stood outside of the condo building and spoke with 911. They basically told me the swat team will be there with an ambulance. The ambulance was there just a precaution. Next thing I know he’s coming out handcuffed and drunkenly begging me to tell the cops something. I’m taken to the cop station in the back of a cop cruiser… odd feeling with no seat belts and plastic seats. Felt super unsafe. Not sure why I was treated like a criminal in this situation. At the station, they interviewed me. It was surreal, dream-like. I can’t even remember how I got back home… I think my mom picked me up?

There were many family events where there were arguments around alcohol. Someone got a bottle of alcohol as a gift and his immediate reaction was, why aren’t you sharing it?

He did AA. But it was always a cycle. He’d stay sober for a while but the friends came back with alcohol or expected him to have alcohol. When the alcohol wasn’t there, they were no where to be seen. When he was struggling with his stroke or he was homeless – they didn’t show. Many of these people – I can’t stand.

There was a period where he would “cook” or rather distil his own moonshine in the kitchen. It was a weird chemistry project with tubes and glass pipes. I’m not too familiar with the process but it sounds like it could have resulted in an explosion.

Where does this leave me with my relationship to alcohol?

I’ve tried very hard to manage my drinking. I never wanted to turn out like my father. I know the damage it creates to people and themselves.

I remember Mrs. Dunn (Science teacher at Iona) talk about a student going to university with strict parents and just flunking university because she felt like she needed to indulge in the freedom. This to me was a great example of trying to manage my predispositions to alcohol. Not only was my father an alcohol but so had my grandparents, great grandparents. The hereditary factor throws you through a loop.

Yes, in high school we had parties – but I felt like they were safe environments. A case of Smirnoff Ice was bought and I’d limit myself to 4 bottles. Random memory – a bottle once fell out of my hands, flipped and I still managed to catch it (not bad reflexes for someone with 2 drinks). It was a good way to unmask with these people. They were fun and just …my people. Were there times where I went overboard? Yes, I threw up in one of their mom’s garden beds. But that was the extent of it at these friend parties. They also throw super fun themed parties – St. Patty’s/Bday, Halloween, going away parties, Friends Giving, Dirty Santa, baby showers, etc. Lotta silly shenanigans with these people.

University was a different breed of drinking – I still got together with friends from Iona but also had hangouts with friends from uni – mix of the gay uni club, church street “clubbing” (which included a mix of friends from uni and high school) and travels to uni towns. At one time I got upset at my BFF for leaving me… there was an argument of sorts on the GO Train lol.

Drinking at the Ukrainian festival had its stories as well… we did sneak in to the beer tent as high school kids “looking for our dad there” and ended up getting drinks from friends who were older. There was also Ukrainian New Years parties – Malanka – where you’d have friends older than you get you drinks (it was open bar). But for the most part, you stick to your limit.

University – had only one moment where I hugged the porcelain goddess and told my mom I had food poisoning from Korean Grill House, lol. In reality I mixed a large bottle of Corona and tequila. I still can’t drink tequila to this day.

Cuba weddings – that is another story – people got a bit too wasted. Again, tested my limits there and apologized for throwing up while sharing a room with my BFF. He laughed at me for apologizing, lol. Lot of drama during those trips, but they were fun. Swingers (friends of one of the families there they randomly ran into) hitting on the bride’s BFF. People calling the bride a bridezilla and the bride shot back with something more extreme. The bride and groom getting food poisoning on their wedding day. People falling into a rose bush. People’s hotel doors wide open and them laying on the bed naked…… pretty concerning. Not sure why some didn’t have a “come to Jesus” moment with that person in that moment. Maybe some of us were immature? We were probably 23 at the time?

I haven’t tried to cope with alcohol during work. On the rare occasion it has been during special events. I did once have a bit of wine after a long project work week and while on a call with my SO, I fell asleep – it was kind of embarrassing but also funny at the same time. Recently it has been a little more so with work and how things have transpired. I have noticed that some beer doesn’t make me feel great. I think the iffy ones are PBR and Guinness (when 2+ drinks are had) – one feels like it’s rough on my throat (which I think can be concerning from a carcinogen standpoint) and the other makes me feel like it gives me dry eyes – a possible allergy.

I think to my friends and it seems like many have had similar situations with their parents… all might not have the same stories but some have dealt with alcoholic parents. Some friends have navigated through alcoholism themselves; and I’m appreciative that they’ve shared those experiences. I know it’s a difficult thing to navigate and I do understand what they are going through. So I am proud how well they’ve managed it.

Having another friend go through drug addiction with an abusive partner is hard to hear about because you only want to hear great things for your friends. Having this friend come back to our group of friends was great. We also understood a little bit more on managing addictions – use of methadone and becoming an advocate for safe drug use sites. People who fall into addiction can be anyone. Your parents, friends, siblings, kids. They’re someone before the addiction. Trying to get away from that addiction requires a community and resources in mental healthcare. I do hope our friend group helped this friend feel “normal” again when things were chaotic. I know when I was struggling with my mental health, having that support network helped – having friends relate in their own ways. I think it’s that double empathy where it helps knowing others are going through it and relate. A neurotypical person might find it weird when another person shares a similar story, but they’re showing they understand, they can relate. You’re bonding on that topic.

It’s funny, I some times analyze my symptoms – so if I’ve been drinking – I can hear my ears ringing, tinnitus – more so if it’s a lot. This is an indication that the alcohol is having an impact on your hearing and could result in hearing loss. Yes – hearing loss doesn’t only occur from just noise. Other factors like alcohol, blood pressure and medications can cause hearing loss.

In the past, one thing that deterred me from drinking was the hangover. Not the super bad ones. The ones that you did a bit of drinking but it wasn’t overly the top. It some how still had an impact on your mood; causing depression. I’ve always thought maybe it was a vitamin B12 flushing out of my system and reducing your dopamine. I hated that feeling of low mood and made me feel like not drinking for a while. Same with coffee. It felt like I’d go over my threshold and I had nothing in the gas tank. I thought it was a B12 deficiency – I still think it likely was.

Why am I getting scientific? Just how my brain works when analyzing how I’m feeling. I’ve been trying to understand my body for years. Sometimes I get it, other times not so much. Felt like this post had a lot of bouncing from one topic to another. Meeeeeeh, whatevs.

Overall, I plan on managing my alcohol intake. I do understand it is a Type 1 carcinogen.

Ok, branich.