AuDN4T

I’m trying to navigate the whole LinkedIn world. It’s like there’s a code or mask you have to have when posting on there. A lot of it is false positivity… toxic positivity? Some interactions may be very beneficial and you learn lots about different sectors and opinions. But other times it gets too positive with little diversity in thought?

One odd thing I’ve noticed is that I tend to provide specific personal experiences rather than keeping a topic or thought super generalized. Just something I’ve noticed amongst conversations. I’m not sure why it feels hard to generalize experiences into one. I find providing examples makes the conversation more …real? or true? But then I have a hard time with thinking it might be some sort of bias like recency bias? But a data point is a data point. If it happens often, it’s a stat or fact.

Thinking back to my experience at CAMH – I understand it was needed. I was in a place where my mind was not in a good place. They did the best job that they could to stabilize me. Unfortunately, they are also underfunded and understaffed and misdiagnoses do happen.

Medications are upped and people become zombies. I became a zombie and I couldn’t feel music. I couldn’t feel anything for my cat, my partner, my family. I had no feelings whatsoever, no matter what I tried. I couldn’t go into Pokemon GO and feel a satisfaction. I couldn’t get a feeling of satisfaction completing a task at work. I felt like I kept needing to know what to do next; there was real anxiety because I was on edge not knowing what to do next. I had a fear that I was not contributing enough at work. I had feelings in my stomach of uneasiness. Like it was anxiety. But I think it was truly internal restlessness also known as akathisia. I’ve read others talk about akathisia online and I agree, it is a very hard thing to manage. I personally felt suicidal. That is how much it had impacted me. I spent July and August of 2024 in dark places with extreme worry of driving because I might crash the vehicle. I thought I was literally going to die the first week of July in Alberta (on top of a cold).

I took my meds like I was prescribed because I trusted my doctors. When I couldn’t take it, I went back to CAMH and it was a battle to reduce the dose from 9mg to 6mg to 3mg. My mom and godmother saw me struggle. I felt like I had no voice, I was not a person who could contribute to society. It was scary. What kept me around was a call with my mom when things got bad; even if she couldn’t do anything, she was there. Those calls feel like a dream (not a good dream). Those days were a haze. That entire year feels like a dream, nothing is vivid; everything was grey or muted. What was the solution to manage my “anxiety” or akathisia I was dealing with? More meds – lorazepam – drugs that are highly addictive.

I had a work trip in September to Montreal and it was scary travelling during this time; however, considering that work was required to be performed, the travel needed to happen.

It took another short term disability episode in October to manage this after a stint of job hunting because I didn’t think I could do my job any more. I felt guilty getting off the paliperidone – telling my physician that I’m no longer taking it. I was worried she was going to decide to not keep me as a patient. Luckily she was understanding.

The akathisia was just one aspect of the side effects. It also impacted my hormones. I didn’t have my menstrual cycle for about 3 months. This impacted my mental health even more and ended up being prescribed an antidepressant. When I got my period – I never thought I’d be so happy to get it back, though it resulted in painful cramps.

Provincial governments need to re-evaluate how mental healthcare is funded. If we’re not supporting our hospitals and specialized facilities – we’re not supporting our population. If we’re not supporting our population – we’re not supporting our local economy, we’re adding strain to other services like housing, social services and other disability credits.

We need more access to people getting diagnoses – not just DSM 5 based assessments that are based on white boys. Autism and neurodivergence varies significantly. We also need to get away from the idea that neurodivergence is a disability. It is a different way of processing the world with different needs. There’s so much more we can talk about around this topic if only we had more forums around this. Or symposiums. Whatever you want to call them. Podcasts? What would be the best medium format for these conversations to be had? I don’t think this is specifically an HR topic or HSE or provincial or federal topic. I think this is an all around society conversation. These conversations need to be had within organizations, schools, universities, medical schools – if they truly do care and want to be innovative.

Also – new rule – no more social cues. We should be done with this.