AuDN4T

It’s interesting when conversing with a group of people:

• A group of 4+ people – it gets harder to converse or get a word in edge-wise.
• 1:1’s are typically the gold standard, if you have ADHD that kicks in and you end up going on tangents.
• Three people might be good too because when there’s silence, another person can jump in with their thought.

It does get hard when one person dominates the conversation and you don’t have a word in edge-wise. You gotta find a good balance in that.

I think back to the past with my relationship to alcohol. It was always a contentious topic within my family. My parents fought around it. My dad always had to have beer or vodka. There was always an argument when we travelled up north to camp. My dad would always have this demeanour that feels like he’s retained over the years now when sober and it triggers me. I hear other Polish men with this demeanour and it’s triggering. I don’t know why. I think it’s that childhood trauma.

Christmas and New Years always felt depressing despite being a happy time. There was always an argument or crying about this being the last holiday. He’d never make it the following year.

I think about Ship Her Son x Palindrom - Everything is not so bad (Vse ne tak pohano) and it pretty much explains my childhood.  There's line where he talks about his childhood:

I thought everyone had the same childhood and never understood why my father screams in the kitchen alone. Time went by and I asked my friends how their world was. In their eyes I had to cry, had to explain it being a sad world. But with everything he could laugh, he could love and drink to the bottom of the barrel, eagerly taste the kisses of pot and later sing obscene songs at night and today they wipe his bedsores with disinfectant. Mom, my world doesn't laugh for a very long time, mom. My world sniffles, it's shameful to live amongst them. 

There’s probably a better translation out there but it gives you the gist of the struggles this artist goes through. This song speaks volumes to me.

Having to get between my parents when they fought. It was chaotic. Being in the car when my dad drove drunk. Having to call him out when he was drinking and driving. Having him bring drinking buddies home and having to navigate through that. One of his friends nearly setting our garbage on fire because she left a cigarette butt in our garbage can. Parenting your parents.

He went through cycles of work and not working because his drinking got bad. He had a bit of a bout of working in construction but he refused to eat and would have seizures. My mom is hypothesizing it’s related to him having low blood sugar, not eating and drinking a coffee. The second he was working at heights, he fell and that spooked his employer and he went on disability.

At one point he had gotten paranoid about my mom having an affair with a colleague at work. In reality, he was a person who was a facility manager. He had too much time on his hands, coupled with alcoholism, I think this gave him further paranoia. He’d call my mom’s workplace and yell. This could have put her job at risk. There was a point where my mom was on autopilot. Kind of like surviving. And I understand that feeling during my last relationship – being on autopilot, walking on eggshells.

The police had been call over to our place a couple of times. This was a mixture of our neighbour (who likely was schizophrenic) and my dad’s drinking. The experience with Peel Police was a mixture of positive and negative. Some went on power trips, others were in a sense understanding. He had gone to jail a couple of times. He lived in a homeless shelter at one point as well (one vivid memory was him worried about his shoes being stolen).

The one traumatic moment was when I had come back from a university summer course and my mom called me from work begging me to call the cops because he was in the bathroom threatening to kill himself with this gun he had. So I stood outside of the condo building and spoke with 911. They basically told me the swat team will be there with an ambulance. The ambulance was there just a precaution. Next thing I know he’s coming out handcuffed and drunkenly begging me to tell the cops something. I’m taken to the cop station in the back of a cop cruiser… odd feeling with no seat belts and plastic seats. Felt super unsafe. Not sure why I was treated like a criminal in this situation. At the station, they interviewed me. It was surreal, dream-like. I can’t even remember how I got back home… I think my mom picked me up?

There were many family events where there were arguments around alcohol. Someone got a bottle of alcohol as a gift and his immediate reaction was, why aren’t you sharing it?

He did AA. But it was always a cycle. He’d stay sober for a while but the friends came back with alcohol or expected him to have alcohol. When the alcohol wasn’t there, they were no where to be seen. When he was struggling with his stroke or he was homeless – they didn’t show. Many of these people – I can’t stand.

There was a period where he would “cook” or rather distil his own moonshine in the kitchen. It was a weird chemistry project with tubes and glass pipes. I’m not too familiar with the process but it sounds like it could have resulted in an explosion.

Where does this leave me with my relationship to alcohol?

I’ve tried very hard to manage my drinking. I never wanted to turn out like my father. I know the damage it creates to people and themselves.

I remember Mrs. Dunn (Science teacher at Iona) talk about a student going to university with strict parents and just flunking university because she felt like she needed to indulge in the freedom. This to me was a great example of trying to manage my predispositions to alcohol. Not only was my father an alcohol but so had my grandparents, great grandparents. The hereditary factor throws you through a loop.

Yes, in high school we had parties – but I felt like they were safe environments. A case of Smirnoff Ice was bought and I’d limit myself to 4 bottles. Random memory – a bottle once fell out of my hands, flipped and I still managed to catch it (not bad reflexes for someone with 2 drinks). It was a good way to unmask with these people. They were fun and just …my people. Were there times where I went overboard? Yes, I threw up in one of their mom’s garden beds. But that was the extent of it at these friend parties. They also throw super fun themed parties – St. Patty’s/Bday, Halloween, going away parties, Friends Giving, Dirty Santa, baby showers, etc. Lotta silly shenanigans with these people.

University was a different breed of drinking – I still got together with friends from Iona but also had hangouts with friends from uni – mix of the gay uni club, church street “clubbing” (which included a mix of friends from uni and high school) and travels to uni towns. At one time I got upset at my BFF for leaving me… there was an argument of sorts on the GO Train lol.

Drinking at the Ukrainian festival had its stories as well… we did sneak in to the beer tent as high school kids “looking for our dad there” and ended up getting drinks from friends who were older. There was also Ukrainian New Years parties – Malanka – where you’d have friends older than you get you drinks (it was open bar). But for the most part, you stick to your limit.

University – had only one moment where I hugged the porcelain goddess and told my mom I had food poisoning from Korean Grill House, lol. In reality I mixed a large bottle of Corona and tequila. I still can’t drink tequila to this day.

Cuba weddings – that is another story – people got a bit too wasted. Again, tested my limits there and apologized for throwing up while sharing a room with my BFF. He laughed at me for apologizing, lol. Lot of drama during those trips, but they were fun. Swingers (friends of one of the families there they randomly ran into) hitting on the bride’s BFF. People calling the bride a bridezilla and the bride shot back with something more extreme. The bride and groom getting food poisoning on their wedding day. People falling into a rose bush. People’s hotel doors wide open and them laying on the bed naked…… pretty concerning. Not sure why some didn’t have a “come to Jesus” moment with that person in that moment. Maybe some of us were immature? We were probably 23 at the time?

I haven’t tried to cope with alcohol during work. On the rare occasion it has been during special events. I did once have a bit of wine after a long project work week and while on a call with my SO, I fell asleep – it was kind of embarrassing but also funny at the same time. Recently it has been a little more so with work and how things have transpired. I have noticed that some beer doesn’t make me feel great. I think the iffy ones are PBR and Guinness (when 2+ drinks are had) – one feels like it’s rough on my throat (which I think can be concerning from a carcinogen standpoint) and the other makes me feel like it gives me dry eyes – a possible allergy.

I think to my friends and it seems like many have had similar situations with their parents… all might not have the same stories but some have dealt with alcoholic parents. Some friends have navigated through alcoholism themselves; and I’m appreciative that they’ve shared those experiences. I know it’s a difficult thing to navigate and I do understand what they are going through. So I am proud how well they’ve managed it.

Having another friend go through drug addiction with an abusive partner is hard to hear about because you only want to hear great things for your friends. Having this friend come back to our group of friends was great. We also understood a little bit more on managing addictions – use of methadone and becoming an advocate for safe drug use sites. People who fall into addiction can be anyone. Your parents, friends, siblings, kids. They’re someone before the addiction. Trying to get away from that addiction requires a community and resources in mental healthcare. I do hope our friend group helped this friend feel “normal” again when things were chaotic. I know when I was struggling with my mental health, having that support network helped – having friends relate in their own ways. I think it’s that double empathy where it helps knowing others are going through it and relate. A neurotypical person might find it weird when another person shares a similar story, but they’re showing they understand, they can relate. You’re bonding on that topic.

It’s funny, I some times analyze my symptoms – so if I’ve been drinking – I can hear my ears ringing, tinnitus – more so if it’s a lot. This is an indication that the alcohol is having an impact on your hearing and could result in hearing loss. Yes – hearing loss doesn’t only occur from just noise. Other factors like alcohol, blood pressure and medications can cause hearing loss.

In the past, one thing that deterred me from drinking was the hangover. Not the super bad ones. The ones that you did a bit of drinking but it wasn’t overly the top. It some how still had an impact on your mood; causing depression. I’ve always thought maybe it was a vitamin B12 flushing out of my system and reducing your dopamine. I hated that feeling of low mood and made me feel like not drinking for a while. Same with coffee. It felt like I’d go over my threshold and I had nothing in the gas tank. I thought it was a B12 deficiency – I still think it likely was.

Why am I getting scientific? Just how my brain works when analyzing how I’m feeling. I’ve been trying to understand my body for years. Sometimes I get it, other times not so much. Felt like this post had a lot of bouncing from one topic to another. Meeeeeeh, whatevs.

Overall, I plan on managing my alcohol intake. I do understand it is a Type 1 carcinogen.

Ok, branich.

Trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. I think talking about health and safety on LinkedIn in an unmasked manner does get some convos going. Just struggling with trying to also get some photography in.

I’m glad the posts are getting needed conversations around neurodivergence and caring for workers.

But ultimately, I’m still having a hard time figuring out that balance. What’s just about right in maintaining a happy medium of work. If I get out of the house, how much will I be tired when I get home. If I work on written piece, how much will I be tired after completion. Again, still sitting in sunglasses at home because everything is too loud.

Thought I’d take a drive up north to Nottawasaga and walk through some Niagara Escarpment canyons. Didn’t pan out since the trails are heavily snowed in and the snowshoes I got were a fail. They didn’t even stay on my feet. Why does Canadian Tire even sell this stuff if it doesn’t work?

On the way back, I took a different route. By the time I got far, it was too late to turn around. It’s primarily a summer only route and is closed off from December to April and is used by snowmobilers.

The car did fine on majority of the road. There were some parts where it was tricky, like around the hairpin turns that felt like they were going to flip my car onto its side or that I’d drive off the road into a very steep ditch or going through a creek.

She made out fine. It was the end of the road that was the issue. At the junction, the road had a huge layer of snow, the right hand side had a crazy 30deg angle so I shifted to the left. Well shifting to the left just pulled me further into the left side into the snowbank which got me stuck.

All of a sudden three snowmobilers showed up. They tried to push me out of the area but just further pushed me 2 ft into the snowbank. They ended off peacing off.

Then an Amazon driver showed up and offered to help. After a couple of minutes of struggles, we decided to hook up a chain to his pickup truck and my vehicle. Ended up working though got worried about my control arm getting damaged. Need to figure out where the GMC Terrain’s attachment point is. I guess that’s something every Canadian should learn in the event they get stuck and need help from someone.

Super thankful for this individual helping out!

I’ll have to download the video for shits and giggles and post it as a learning opportunity, ha.

Posted that LinkedIn post about my HSE burnout experiences. I think I’m mentally noting who is likely neurodivergent without asking. It’s kind of having that gay radar that’s present. Speaking with friends, it sounds like I’m able to also determine who is neurodivergent as well. It bums me out that these people who are highly intelligent are either having a hard time navigating through workplace politics, unspoken rules or social cues. I think neurodivergent leaders have a lot to bring to the table as mentors. They’re very understanding and to the point when unmasked. There’s no guessing around what is meant. What is said, is what is meant. But should you not play by the rules of neurotypical people, you don’t provide those pleasantries, you’re pushed out of your role.

On another note, departments need to just talk to one another. Stakeholders need to talk. Otherwise you’re getting garbage output work and other departments are struggling to complete work because there’s no alignment (i.e., Finance, IP, IT, Operations, etc.). I hate how I threw in bunch of corporate buzzwords in there.

Corp buzzwords without true context mean nothing. You could string a bunch of those words together and have no substance, no real life examples.

I think back to during group meetings people tend to generalize thoughts and speak in a very generalized manner. I’d always have a very specific thought in mind and would think this to be too specific to mention so I rarely brought up my thoughts. I thought it was too specific and…. unprofessional. But then I analyzed how NT vs ND people processed their thoughts. ND people tend to think from a bottom-up processing aspect (think of specific examples, data points) whereas NT people tend to think from a top-down processing aspect (generalized, big picture).

We need to make some changes – less neurotypical guessing games, more forward conversations, less games, more accommodations for ND people.

I’m trying to navigate the whole LinkedIn world. It’s like there’s a code or mask you have to have when posting on there. A lot of it is false positivity… toxic positivity? Some interactions may be very beneficial and you learn lots about different sectors and opinions. But other times it gets too positive with little diversity in thought?

One odd thing I’ve noticed is that I tend to provide specific personal experiences rather than keeping a topic or thought super generalized. Just something I’ve noticed amongst conversations. I’m not sure why it feels hard to generalize experiences into one. I find providing examples makes the conversation more …real? or true? But then I have a hard time with thinking it might be some sort of bias like recency bias? But a data point is a data point. If it happens often, it’s a stat or fact.

Thinking back to my experience at CAMH – I understand it was needed. I was in a place where my mind was not in a good place. They did the best job that they could to stabilize me. Unfortunately, they are also underfunded and understaffed and misdiagnoses do happen.

Medications are upped and people become zombies. I became a zombie and I couldn’t feel music. I couldn’t feel anything for my cat, my partner, my family. I had no feelings whatsoever, no matter what I tried. I couldn’t go into Pokemon GO and feel a satisfaction. I couldn’t get a feeling of satisfaction completing a task at work. I felt like I kept needing to know what to do next; there was real anxiety because I was on edge not knowing what to do next. I had a fear that I was not contributing enough at work. I had feelings in my stomach of uneasiness. Like it was anxiety. But I think it was truly internal restlessness also known as akathisia. I’ve read others talk about akathisia online and I agree, it is a very hard thing to manage. I personally felt suicidal. That is how much it had impacted me. I spent July and August of 2024 in dark places with extreme worry of driving because I might crash the vehicle. I thought I was literally going to die the first week of July in Alberta (on top of a cold).

I took my meds like I was prescribed because I trusted my doctors. When I couldn’t take it, I went back to CAMH and it was a battle to reduce the dose from 9mg to 6mg to 3mg. My mom and godmother saw me struggle. I felt like I had no voice, I was not a person who could contribute to society. It was scary. What kept me around was a call with my mom when things got bad; even if she couldn’t do anything, she was there. Those calls feel like a dream (not a good dream). Those days were a haze. That entire year feels like a dream, nothing is vivid; everything was grey or muted. What was the solution to manage my “anxiety” or akathisia I was dealing with? More meds – lorazepam – drugs that are highly addictive.

I had a work trip in September to Montreal and it was scary travelling during this time; however, considering that work was required to be performed, the travel needed to happen.

It took another short term disability episode in October to manage this after a stint of job hunting because I didn’t think I could do my job any more. I felt guilty getting off the paliperidone – telling my physician that I’m no longer taking it. I was worried she was going to decide to not keep me as a patient. Luckily she was understanding.

The akathisia was just one aspect of the side effects. It also impacted my hormones. I didn’t have my menstrual cycle for about 3 months. This impacted my mental health even more and ended up being prescribed an antidepressant. When I got my period – I never thought I’d be so happy to get it back, though it resulted in painful cramps.

Provincial governments need to re-evaluate how mental healthcare is funded. If we’re not supporting our hospitals and specialized facilities – we’re not supporting our population. If we’re not supporting our population – we’re not supporting our local economy, we’re adding strain to other services like housing, social services and other disability credits.

We need more access to people getting diagnoses – not just DSM 5 based assessments that are based on white boys. Autism and neurodivergence varies significantly. We also need to get away from the idea that neurodivergence is a disability. It is a different way of processing the world with different needs. There’s so much more we can talk about around this topic if only we had more forums around this. Or symposiums. Whatever you want to call them. Podcasts? What would be the best medium format for these conversations to be had? I don’t think this is specifically an HR topic or HSE or provincial or federal topic. I think this is an all around society conversation. These conversations need to be had within organizations, schools, universities, medical schools – if they truly do care and want to be innovative.

Also – new rule – no more social cues. We should be done with this.

Put together an article on LinkedIn. Maybe it’s career suicide. Maybe it’s just showing the reality of how leadership doesn’t really care about health and safety and just the bottom dollar. They don’t really care about workers. If they did, they would show it.

Slept till about 11:30am today (with some breaks in between because my stomach had issues with oat milk and possibly tomatoes).

Not feeling overly productive today but had a good group therapy session. It felt good to talk about different topics around rejection sensitivity dysphoria and how different AuDHD people have experienced this in differing perspectives. Talking about your experiences can be therapeutic to others who might feel like they’re alone in this world with these topics. Just found it hard to keep track of the convo when trying to think of my own examples. n4t’s brain processing speed with AuDHD is… a jumping spider (according to AI). Starting up some therapy session this week as well. Hoping to work through somethings.

It’s funny – or not – but shows how my structure has changed wildly from mornings consisting of:

• wake up
• take off jewelry
• take off watch
• take off clothing
• shower
• dry off
• make breakfast
• eat breakfast for 15 mins while scrolling phone
• blow dry hair
• style hair
• get out of the door
• drive for 30-45 mins
• go a specific route
• maybe grab coffee
• sit down at my desk

to…

My head is a mess.